Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

onwards&upwards

Do you think there might be people who will find it easier than you because they do not have so many other stressors in their life?  Because they don't also have a struggling and vulnerable 12 year old who needs them?  Because they aren't connected to the boy's father?  Because they desperately want the chance to care for a child or children, whatever their struggles may be, and are actively seeking the opportunity to do that, rather than having the children just keep landing in their lap?

You did not choose or want to have to care for two small and troubled young boys,  I 100% absolutely don't blame you for that!  Its too much!  There are people out there who want nothing more. 

pollyanna_26

Savvy_sewing said:

onwards&upwards said:

Still just getting through one day at a time.  Each good day you think you can do this till they grow up, but can you, really?  That's a very long time. 

Is just about surviving and getting through each day the best that these three children can hope for?  Is that all they deserve?

No it's not 
that's why I am searching for the answers.
Wands don't wave magically and everything comes up roses.
Their life is a whole lot better than it was.
It is mostly better than when they first arrived.
 I don't have bad days every day.
Fobing them off elsewhere is not necessarily going to improve their life.
working at it might just.
once the powers that be actually follow through with their plans things might be better.
dealing with a child with traumatic stress disorder will not be easy for anyone. 

I've felt all along Ss that the powers that be aren't following through on the promises they made when you agreed to take the boys into your home.

IIt's why I asked if you felt supported yesterday. I don't believe the boys would be better off elsewhere. DGS1 has lived in four homes since birth. One with mum and dad, then with mum until ds went back to her , a move to another house then foster cares and now with you. For one so you young that's a lot of disruption even without ASD and traumatic stress disorder.

If he was sent elsewhere the effects on him would wipe out all the your efforts to try to help him.

It's one thing for people to suggest placing him somewhere else but it would not be the answer.

It's nigh on impossible now to move two siblings together to another home for someone else to try again to try and heal the trauma of the past.

As you know you need proper support from services as promised a long time ago. It's physically impossible to carry on without a degree of respite and support.

One thing that iis a problem is your early morning wake ups , arguements over getting in granny's bed , demanding gadgets etc.

If the room changeover takes place today although you sound more in need of a rest than swapping two rooms over and hoping to paint a room tell the boys they are now big boys with a big room to play and sleep in. Start focusing on that's their space and your room is yours.

I know I've mentioned it before but your room is meant to be your sanctuary where you can read ,plan or hopefully sleep.Instead it's been invaded and there's been too much shouting , throwing of your things etc going on.

If one or other child is ill or upset it's better to take them downstairsas you were doing with DGS2 and deal with things there.

I hope today goes well and DGD went to school without too much dragging of the feet.

pollyx

pollyanna_26

LadyHarris said:

So many damaged and labelled children in one family with one common denominator so sad that they can't just have a happy carefree childhood .

When people post about Savvy's older chldren and blame her they never take into account the fact those children had fathers as well as a mother. None were an immaculate conception.

No one chooses to have a child with mental or physical health problems or sometimes both. It's wrong to refer to them as " Damaged and labelled children" and say one common denominator.

As it was she found herself trying to care for the twins,twin 1s babies then DGD too.

Only one of my four chidren had physical and mental health conditions thankfully now under control after many years of fighting for the correct mental health diagnosis and a brilliant GP controlling her physical health problems.

If even one other of my children had had severe problems too I don't know if I'd have coped . I don't believe judgements or critisisn are helpful unless you have walked in those shoes.

The only time I've though Ss was wrong was not focusing more on what was going on with DS when they were living together in the cottage. Early intervention and action then may have avoided his drifting through the days and following the wrong path. All the enabling and leaving him to do his own thing and over recent years constantly get in debt coulld have been prevented.

Apart from Dyslexia it's possible he is also on the spectrum.

polly

.

Vintage47

I am a new poster on the Forum  but Savvy, you have  finally driven me to it.
I have been following this thread for some time, sometimes with exasperation but always with respect and admiration. I am a woman of very mature years, only recently retired when well over 70, having held a demanding senior position and leading a large team of people . I do understand  and have seen the devasting physical and mental damage done by work stress, albeit not the domestic and emotional stress that Savvy suffers daily.
I am always impressed by Pollyanna26's very wise counsel  and her last comment of "supporting, rather than digging up the past" touched me deeply as somebody who speaks with both sympathy and empathy. Therefore I am going to throw my two pennorth in.
I would ask Savvy to look back to her first posting on this new thread where she realised that she could not do everything and domestic life would have to come first. Since then there have been periods when she put herself under stress again on the sewing front, taking orders as well as volunteer sewing. Whilst that was commendable I worried that the additonal commitments she made again diluted her already fragile life balance.
Savvy, you had a real period of such bad health some months ago which I am sure was exacerbated by too much to do, no real support and no proper rest.
I am therefore asking you to please, pace yourself, particularly trying the achieve jobs in the house and garden. They are nice to have,might make life a little easier but they are not the core of your problems.  
You may have to wait a bit longer for the proper professional support from the Social Agencies that  you desperately need. So try to take your time and not crowd too much into your days. In the corporate world I lived in there were some days that were complete "write offs".  When we were project planning any major event we even factored in a  write off days as we knew they would happen and if they weren't allowed for the whole project would fail.
I still do that in my life now. Just  knowing that I can accept a completely non productive day when all I've done is just the basics means there are fewer of those days.
Whatever happens to you and your family, however bad it gets there are a lot of us thinking of you and knowing that we could not do what you do and probably would not have even tried . Good luck - but think about what some of your wellwishers are advising . Nobody but real detractors wants to be writing  in the future  "told you so."

hb2

It's easy to imagine a bucolic future for the boys, in the loving arms of an adoptive family. However, we all know that the reality is likely to be very different. Let's be honest - how many prospective parents dream of taking on 2 boys with 'issues'? In addition, anyone who did take on the boys would likely face the same problems as Savvy with lack of support from the statutory authorities.

I'll be honest, I could never have done what Savvy has. I take my hat off to her for her determination to look after her grandchildren and hope she can get the help and support she needs to continue doing so.

NeilCr

hb2 said:

It's easy to imagine a bucolic future for the boys, in the loving arms of an adoptive family. However, we all know that the reality is likely to be very different. Let's be honest - how many prospective parents dream of taking on 2 boys with 'issues'? In addition, anyone who did take on the boys would likely face the same problems as Savvy with lack of support from the statutory authorities.

I'll be honest, I could never have done what Savvy has. I take my hat off to her for her determination to look after her grandchildren and hope she can get the help and support she needs to continue doing so.

I am not sure we all know that. There is a lady who goes to my gym who has "taken on" two difficult girls and they have improved immeasurably. I suspect many of us will have examples one way or the other. And, even if they didn't have the support, they might well not have the other calls on their time Ss has - including having her granddaughter living with her

This is not to say that I think the boys should be adopted or that Ss is doing a bad job. To the contrary I am in awe of what she does. Knowing what it is like for my partner with one child and having her son living with her I am well aware just how much Ss has taken on. Having said all that there really doesn't seem much progress and I do worry everyone concerned is stuck in a never ending loop

onwards&upwards

Savvy_sewing said:

onwards&upwards said:

pollyanna_26 said:

LadyHarris said:

So many damaged and labelled children in one family with one common denominator so sad that they can't just have a happy carefree childhood .

When people post about Savvy's older chldren and blame her they never take into account the fact those children had fathers as well as a mother. None were an immaculate conception.

The father was just as responsible as the mother, but he isn't currently repeating history with the grandchildren, so its irrelevant to the current situation.  

And its not about blame anyway, its about what is the right thing to do for two very small children who are young enough that they can recover and still lead happy lives if the right path is taken. 

A friend of mine adopted a 7 year old with an incredibly troubled background.  Its not been easy but three years later the change is incredible.  That child has unconditional love, stability and their future looks bright. 

Lucky you.
the letters I get about my two grandsons that were adopted are full of issues, mental health problems, Autistic issues and all the things I am dealing with. 

The woman sounds as frazzled as me.
the 100,000 members on the Trauma stress disorder support group I am in are all struggling with lack of support, with aggressive children, some placements 10 years later are collapsing.

how dare you say it is my fault that my children were born with learning disabilities.
 I am not going to respond to you again 
Your comments are evil. 

I'm sorry, but where did I ever say their learning disabilities were your fault?

I'm just trying to say that there is another option, I honestly don't see how you can go on like this, and if you do how that is the right thing for these children. 

onwards&upwards

hb2 said:

It's easy to imagine a bucolic future for the boys, in the loving arms of an adoptive family. However, we all know that the reality is likely to be very different. Let's be honest - how many prospective parents dream of taking on 2 boys with 'issues'? In addition, anyone who did take on the boys would likely face the same problems as Savvy with lack of support from the statutory authorities.

But they wouldn't also be dealing with DGD, and DS and the twins, they wouldn't be caring for the boys because of unfortunate circumstances, but because they had chosen to. 

Savvy_sewing

Also, I am truly sorry to say it, but she was not a fantastic parent to her own children and did not do the best job raising them, as can be seen by the current fallout and their ongoing struggles. 

Your words onwards and upwards 

you are blaming my parenting!
shall we hop back another generation and blame my parents for being in the RAF and all my travels,
my going to boarding school causing me trauma? Being chased by massi warriors with spears, oh or was it going to school with royalty and having staff ???
shall I blame my husband because he was dyslexic and a pathological liar??


ok BLAME who and what the heck you like.
 I am done here!
done because it appears that I am a waste of space so just don't take an interest and critisize, if you can't say anything nice, or helpful to others you don't need to accuse them for everything that you see as their fault.
life is just not like that.
go throw stones at someone else who wants to vent.

pollyanna_26

I was the responding to the post I quoted . Ss was married twice but each time was left to struggle with the three younger children's difficulties. How on earth the poster decided Ss was the common denonnator defeats me.

polly