Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

Savvy_sewing

We had a late night because Dgs2 wouldn't settle. It was well after 10pm!
so I didn't get to bed until just after 11pm
which is late for me. I wasn't expecting him to wake much but I was so wrong.
12.45, 3.30 and up at 5.30!
Dgs1 joined the party at 6.15
By 6.20 we had the first fight with wooden trains being the weapon of choice. Dgs1 wound Dgs2 up and he retaliated with hitting his brother in the head with said train. First on the step then, with the use of railway track to bash the door. (copied behaviour). Sadly.
dgs1 then screamed, through an angry tantrum and launched everything within reach.
its going to be a long morning! 

We are going to Dover today. The boys are going to Holiday Club until 3pm
so I can pack and load the car and buy the family platter meals from Aldi so I just have to shove it in the oven.
A trip to Tesco to the alcohol free drinks isle for my lagers. Aldi don't do them very often.

hb2

I hope the Kent visit goes smoothly.

Savvy_sewing

It is a bit fraught.

Savvy_sewing

Good day but very tiring.
however I am concerned about the way my daughter is being treated by the family. Her BF went to work and left her here from 9 this morning until 7.15
We had a long time to talk!
 I am worried about her. When he collected her we had an incident where the baby upturned a drink and my daughter grabbed the nearest thing to mop it up, baby wipes. ( not ideal but better than nothing, and I would have done the same). He spoke so harshly and derogatory to her.
as I got the kitchen towel I said that he didn't need to speak to her that way. Well he showed his true colours. Stood up saying nobody tells him how to speak to his..... 
I just sat there dumbfounded. 

There was a scene between them where she said actually he didn't need to speak to her that way. But sit down finish his coffee. But he stormed out and left her to gather up their things and the children.
He just sat the car, and didn't help her to get the children in the car. 

After her tales of things through the day I think that they are degrading her, verbally abusing her, and telling her if she goes that she can't have or see her children.
 I am worried.

beanielou

Oh dear.
Sorry that it just keeps coming   

Savvy_sewing

beanielou said:

Oh dear.
Sorry that it just keeps coming   

Looks like lockdown has really shown people's true selves to others.
 I obviously don't know what if anything I can do. Except tell her that if she needs support etc then I am here. I have told Biggest who was ready to drive down tomorrow and get her and the children.
 I said that she wouldn't come as they have conditioned her to believe that she is incapable of anything and that if she leaves she cannot have her children.
so she is not likely to leave unless they force her out. The conversation a few weeks ago and why I came down to see her.
 I am going to call her more often and just check up on her. 

gizmo111

Savvy_sewing said:

beanielou said:

Oh dear.
Sorry that it just keeps coming   

Looks like lockdown has really shown people's true selves to others.
 I obviously don't know what if anything I can do. Except tell her that if she needs support etc then I am here. I have told Biggest who was ready to drive down tomorrow and get her and the children.
 I said that she wouldn't come as they have conditioned her to believe that she is incapable of anything and that if she leaves she cannot have her children.
so she is not likely to leave unless they force her out. The conversation a few weeks ago and why I came down to see her.
 I am going to call her more often and just check up on her. 

Its not a good situation for either her or the children to be raised in.  Was thre some suggestion previously that she and the BF were going to get their own place?

Savvy_sewing

gizmo111 said:

Savvy_sewing said:

beanielou said:

Oh dear.
Sorry that it just keeps coming   

Looks like lockdown has really shown people's true selves to others.
 I obviously don't know what if anything I can do. Except tell her that if she needs support etc then I am here. I have told Biggest who was ready to drive down tomorrow and get her and the children.
 I said that she wouldn't come as they have conditioned her to believe that she is incapable of anything and that if she leaves she cannot have her children.
so she is not likely to leave unless they force her out. The conversation a few weeks ago and why I came down to see her.
 I am going to call her more often and just check up on her. 

Its not a good situation for either her or the children to be raised in.  Was thre some suggestion previously that she and the BF were going to get their own place?

They have been on a waiting list 5 years. Apparently he doesn't earn enough for the houses in the area. To have a house apparently they need to be able to afford it. She has lost her DLA on the last assessment as well I believe.
( or pip these days is it?).
 I have asked her if she has a health visitor and she said not anymore.
 I suggested as she doesn't go anywhere on her own, that even if she goes to the doctors he goes with her.
she is not allowed a shower everyday because of the water bills, they are not allowed to flush the loo unless " it is brown "!
 She suffers from BO and really needs a shower daily. 

She has to keep the children up in the bedroom, and quiet, says they shout at the kids to be quiet a lot. 

She doesn't have a single friend.
 I feel guilty that I didn't know all of this before.
she was definitely attentive to the children today, and although she picked up her crochet she put it down and didn't let the children out of her sight. She engaged well with them and ours. She even helped the kids build the train track, and engage with the other children playing with ours fRom the chalet adjacent.
we are supposed to be going to visit one of the castles tomorrow. We have a booked time slot. I think that we are likely to see him cancelling as he is not going to be able to look at me I shouldn't think. 

I suggested she emails her doctors and tries to access some help for her and the children if she can, but I really don't think she will.
dgd has also highlighted her concerns and talked about the situation and why she doesn't like going there.
 I realise that her words were not very appropriate for a 12 year old, ( soon to be 13), but I agree with her, when she came back in from helping her Mum take the children to the car she came walking back through the door and said" He is a D. ( Richard's nick name)"
 

pollyanna_26

You've already got a lot on your plate S Ss. By all means keep in contact with Twin 1. I don't know if you look at Mellys thread anymore. but she made the move from the many years of abuse and isolation.

There's some useful advice on her thread over recent times.

As you've witnessed the situation yourself it may be worth having a look.

It sounds a very controlling and verbally abusive situation. No mention of physical, financial  or other abuse. The way he spoke to both her and yourself doesn't bode well and with young children in the home I'd be getting out asap.

my ex never showed his true colours in front of witnesses so her OH must be beyond caring.

I intervention of his family is a red flag to me.

It sounds as though they're on a mission to strip her of her already low confidence.

Even without other forms of abuse which may or not be happening it is abuse.

Unless there is some sort of SS involment for the children which may lead to a custody battle- no idea if he is both childrens father -

He can't just say she can't have them.

Poor Melly spent months questioning whether she was misreading situations and she really wasn't. All those years of abuse and isolation and she is now free from what can only be described as a lying, viscious excuse of a human being. All those wasted years.

She posted a picure recently and the dead eyes and gaunt face are gone. Best for me is she's eating and enjoying food.

Is Twin1 able to speak to advisors etc? I know Twin 2 struggles . Just stay in contact with her as you've said. Point her in the right direction for advice and support.

With the pandemic advice services have been overwhelmed as many staff were shielding  or unwell. This situation is a bit easier now.

There are contact numbers on Mellys thread. Some will speak to a concerned family member but many wont.

I'm so sorry to read that your break was not so good. But now she's talking keep talking yourself. Melly was going to leave many times and he manged to convince her everything was her fault not his.. She now knows the amount of lies , control and messing with her head was to keep her running after him.

Her eyes are well and truly open now.

Moving in with Biggest isn't the answer. It may impact any housing benefit etc Biggest may be recieving and if Twin 1 has any benifits likewise.

I'm aware housing is the holy grail but with two young children she may get help once one of the aid agencies is aware of the situation.

You never seem to get a break to clear your head.  Things looked promising after your recent calls re DGD and DGS1. it seems dealing with them brings another challenge.

At least you were aware things weren't good so it's better witnessing a situation first hand and judge for yourself.

Don't push yourself too hard Ss. Your head is probably full of stuff so I hope you can sleep and the boys do too.

pollyx

badmemory

I'm pleased that DGD realises that his behaviour is not acceptable.  It is all to easy when they see an adult accepting that behaviour to believe that it is normal & it becomes "catching" down the generations.  Thankfully you have been able to show her better.