We're aware that some users are experiencing technical issues which the team are working to resolve. See the Community Noticeboard for more info. Thank you for your patience.
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!

Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

Options
1145146148150151193

Comments

  • Savvy_sewing
    Savvy_sewing Posts: 11,580 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic Rampant Recycler
    Well it is called attachment disorder across the border in Cambridgeshire!
    It's called it in all the books and the Facebook group that I am in as well. 
    The school and Nursery use the term as well.
    when I said I was studying it she wanted to know if I had a certificate in it. I said no I am reading about it, and studying on my own to try to learn about what I am dealing with. She looked down her nose at me and said that wasn't the same as doing a course. Well whoopie I know that, but it's the best I can do from here at the moment.
    She was very quick to vilifie my Sons changes of leaving home, and of his issues before. so he was damned for staying originally, when they wanted him to go and we said if he did it suddenly it was impact on them, and that it was agreed a phased change would be better, now he's damned for going. He cannot win.
     I felt like I was in the witness box being cross examined about my attempt to get the contact regularily and consistent with both him and Mums family.
     She asked me why I agreed with the sleepover, and I said because I was trying to help strengthen the relationship and I also needed respite. But as the lad is disruptive and worse at school after contact then I am not putting their best interest at heart. I said that all I am doing is to try to put their interests first. Keeping bonds with the nanny and Aunty. She asked my opinion on them, and I said that I don't know, I didn't agree with them having contact originally but it was their case workers that assessed them not me. I said that the boys seem to love Nanny and Aunty, never really mention Mum by name but that I cannot rely on nanny only allowing Mum 2 hours. I am not there so what they do is not know to me. All I know is Mum turns up to collect and drop off. She's not supposed to be doing that. Right they can tell them I am not. I will get the fallout from that.
    so it looks like I am going to have to stop the idea of sleeping over once a month, and also with Dad.
    so as I get help it is going to be whipped out from under my feet. 
    With school and nursery threatening to exclude Dgs1 it looks like I really am left at sea.
     I cannot see how I will be able to do any work if I cannot access the school, family or Dads care?? 
    Maybe I am over reacting, but I am not so sure. 
    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • Cairn
    Cairn Posts: 39 Forumite
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Posts
    I am not a social worker. 

    However, I know of a family placement that was refused as carer was assumed to not be able to control level of access to certain individuals. 

    It’s hard on you because you will lose respite, but it’s quite possible that social services may decide that placement with you will be halted if they are not happy with access to other family/DS because of the impact on the children. 

    I’m surprised you have no opinion of other gran and auntie are they capable of looking after the boys properly? 

    I’m very sorry that you have all this on your plate. As your neighbour said, what a life your DS/kids have left you 😢
  • Savvy_sewing
    Savvy_sewing Posts: 11,580 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic Rampant Recycler
    Cairn said:
    I am not a social worker. 

    However, I know of a family placement that was refused as carer was assumed to not be able to control level of access to certain individuals. 

    It’s hard on you because you will lose respite, but it’s quite possible that social services may decide that placement with you will be halted if they are not happy with access to other family/DS because of the impact on the children. 

    I’m surprised you have no opinion of other gran and auntie are they capable of looking after the boys properly? 

    I’m very sorry that you have all this on your plate. As your neighbour said, what a life your DS/kids have left you 😢
    I cannot judge someone that I don't really know. All I see is Nanny collecting them and dropping them off. 
    I don't see the Aunty. I never knew the Nanny when the parents were together so I have to accept the social did their assessment correctly.
    My Personal opinion is biased by stories, from DS and rumour. That is secondhand so I can not base my opinion as I don't have the facts.
    what I have seen is the boys go willingly to her, and seem content enough when they come back.
     I doubt that they will remove the boys, certainly cannot without a court order, because I tell them that if I tell them without evidence or authorities back up it will cause issues. ( remember last year on contact they didn't return them). Working with the nanny has been better and removed the tension and the stress all around. But If actually the interaction with them is why he is not functioning then I will of course stop the contact even if they do protest or cause Agro. 

    When I die I will know that I have lived, loved, mattered and made a difference, even if in a small way.
  • beanielou
    beanielou Posts: 95,489 Ambassador
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Academoney Grad Mortgage-free Glee!
    I just dont know what to say to be honest.
    Do you feel that DGS1's behaviour is much worse after he has seen the other family?
    I am a Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on Mortgage Free Wannabe & Local Money Saving Scotland & Disability Money Matters. If you need any help on those boards, do let me know.Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any post you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button , or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. All views are my own & not the official line of Money Saving Expert.

    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/14.**Credit card debt free 30/06/10~** MFW. Finally mortgage free O2/ 2021****
    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.

    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    ***Keep plodding*** Out of debt, out of danger. ***Be the difference.***
    One debt remaining. Home improvement loan.
  • I very much doubt that contact with a nanny and an aunty who love them and are committed to maintaining a relationship with them is the cause of the behaviour.  

    The meltdowns and unwanted behaviours seem to happen on any and all days, whether they've had contact or not, don't they?

    These kids need all the loving adults they can get, with parents who've let them down so badly. 
  • thorsoak
    thorsoak Posts: 7,166 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    But when you do not know what is being said to them, when they are with other aunty and nanny, when you do not know what they are allowed to do - and what they are not allowed to do - it raises uncertainties.    Little ones' brain processes can sometimes throw up random memories at odd times - at odd triggers. 
Meet your Ambassadors

🚀 Getting Started

Hi new member!

Our Getting Started Guide will help you get the most out of the Forum

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 351K Banking & Borrowing
  • 253.1K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 453.6K Spending & Discounts
  • 244K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 598.9K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 176.9K Life & Family
  • 257.3K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
  • 37.6K Read-Only Boards

Is this how you want to be seen?

We see you are using a default avatar. It takes only a few seconds to pick a picture.