Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism 5 January at 7:27PM edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families 1.7K replies 430.3K views

thorsoak

Children are expert "broken records" - we just have to remember and be the same!

Savvy_sewing

hb2 said:

Savvy, I hope you managed to catch up on some sleep last night.

Thank you to Beanie (I think it was) for explaining my comment about not giving in. She was correct, I was talking about giving in to demands for tech etc. I remember being told 'If you think you will end up saying "Yes" after hours of pestering, you might as well say it straight away. Otherwise all you are teaching the child/ren is that they will get what they want if they pester enough!'

It was me who corrected Onwards.
sometimes reading things out of context can mix it up rather.
 I had a decent night sleep, woke early, rolled over and went back to sleep. It was about 8.30 when emails started pinging into my phone.
Biggest came over and helped me sort out my workspace ready for a wedding fitting next week.
Dad had to bring the boys home earlier than planned as the gf needed the car.
 I had a conference call with the Post Adoption team for about an hour, and then she is calling again tomorrow.
when I said that I thought he had an attachment disorder she told me they don't call it that. Right what do they call it then? Because I don't care what the name is, there are problems and they need help.
interestingly she wanted to know why Mums contact was as high as 2 hours a week, and I said that it was nothing to do with me. She then accessed the court order ( a copy of which I don't have), and said that it was up to me if I wanted it to happen 
I explained that Mum comes with granny and returns with granny so I know for a fact she is there longer. So that's an issue she wants changing. I said that I cannot do it or I am liable to have my tyres deflated or something. ! 

So they are going to contact them on my behalf! Ha I will still get the fall out.
it looks like my plans to let them have sleepovers with anyone is going to be vetoed. As apparently that is causing the problem more recently. 

elisamoose

Well it is called attachment disorder across the border in Cambridgeshire!

Savvy_sewing

elisamoose said:

Well it is called attachment disorder across the border in Cambridgeshire!

It's called it in all the books and the Facebook group that I am in as well. 

The school and Nursery use the term as well.
when I said I was studying it she wanted to know if I had a certificate in it. I said no I am reading about it, and studying on my own to try to learn about what I am dealing with. She looked down her nose at me and said that wasn't the same as doing a course. Well whoopie I know that, but it's the best I can do from here at the moment.
She was very quick to vilifie my Sons changes of leaving home, and of his issues before. so he was damned for staying originally, when they wanted him to go and we said if he did it suddenly it was impact on them, and that it was agreed a phased change would be better, now he's damned for going. He cannot win.
 I felt like I was in the witness box being cross examined about my attempt to get the contact regularily and consistent with both him and Mums family.
 She asked me why I agreed with the sleepover, and I said because I was trying to help strengthen the relationship and I also needed respite. But as the lad is disruptive and worse at school after contact then I am not putting their best interest at heart. I said that all I am doing is to try to put their interests first. Keeping bonds with the nanny and Aunty. She asked my opinion on them, and I said that I don't know, I didn't agree with them having contact originally but it was their case workers that assessed them not me. I said that the boys seem to love Nanny and Aunty, never really mention Mum by name but that I cannot rely on nanny only allowing Mum 2 hours. I am not there so what they do is not know to me. All I know is Mum turns up to collect and drop off. She's not supposed to be doing that. Right they can tell them I am not. I will get the fallout from that.
so it looks like I am going to have to stop the idea of sleeping over once a month, and also with Dad.
so as I get help it is going to be whipped out from under my feet. 

With school and nursery threatening to exclude Dgs1 it looks like I really am left at sea.
 I cannot see how I will be able to do any work if I cannot access the school, family or Dads care?? 

Maybe I am over reacting, but I am not so sure. 

Cairn

I am not a social worker. 

However, I know of a family placement that was refused as carer was assumed to not be able to control level of access to certain individuals. 

It’s hard on you because you will lose respite, but it’s quite possible that social services may decide that placement with you will be halted if they are not happy with access to other family/DS because of the impact on the children. 

I’m surprised you have no opinion of other gran and auntie are they capable of looking after the boys properly? 

I’m very sorry that you have all this on your plate. As your neighbour said, what a life your DS/kids have left you 😢

thorsoak

A phrase I remember from a long time ago, Ss - when it comes to your child, you are the expert.   You are the one with the child for 90% of the time and you know what buttons are pushed when a meltdown happens, and you know - to a point - how to deflect them.   But you still need help from the so-called "experts" who have read the books, got the certificates - but not the hands-on experience.   xxx

Savvy_sewing

Cairn said:

I am not a social worker. 

However, I know of a family placement that was refused as carer was assumed to not be able to control level of access to certain individuals. 

It’s hard on you because you will lose respite, but it’s quite possible that social services may decide that placement with you will be halted if they are not happy with access to other family/DS because of the impact on the children. 

I’m surprised you have no opinion of other gran and auntie are they capable of looking after the boys properly? 

I’m very sorry that you have all this on your plate. As your neighbour said, what a life your DS/kids have left you 😢

I cannot judge someone that I don't really know. All I see is Nanny collecting them and dropping them off. 

I don't see the Aunty. I never knew the Nanny when the parents were together so I have to accept the social did their assessment correctly.
My Personal opinion is biased by stories, from DS and rumour. That is secondhand so I can not base my opinion as I don't have the facts.
what I have seen is the boys go willingly to her, and seem content enough when they come back.
 I doubt that they will remove the boys, certainly cannot without a court order, because I tell them that if I tell them without evidence or authorities back up it will cause issues. ( remember last year on contact they didn't return them). Working with the nanny has been better and removed the tension and the stress all around. But If actually the interaction with them is why he is not functioning then I will of course stop the contact even if they do protest or cause Agro. 

beanielou

I just dont know what to say to be honest.
Do you feel that DGS1's behaviour is much worse after he has seen the other family?

Savvy_sewing

beanielou said:

I just dont know what to say to be honest.
Do you feel that DGS1's behaviour is much worse after he has seen the other family?

Before lockdown I wouldn't be able to say. However after him not seeing them for 10 weeks he was improving at school, and as soon as he had seen them, the Monday he was noticeably worse. The school noticed it at school, and they believe that he gets worse after he has seen them. 

I think he gets worse when ever there is a considerable change in his routines.  daddy not being around as much, also has seemed to have affected him.
 I am trying to understand how his subconscious is affecting him, his jealousy of his brother, his inability to share.
his constant wanting food but inability to eat his dinner. 

There are so many things that if I step back and analyse I see can be because of his bad start to life. 

onwards&upwards

I very much doubt that contact with a nanny and an aunty who love them and are committed to maintaining a relationship with them is the cause of the behaviour.  

The meltdowns and unwanted behaviours seem to happen on any and all days, whether they've had contact or not, don't they?

These kids need all the loving adults they can get, with parents who've let them down so badly.