Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

elisamoose

Well it is called attachment disorder across the border in Cambridgeshire!

Savvy_sewing

elisamoose said:

Well it is called attachment disorder across the border in Cambridgeshire!

It's called it in all the books and the Facebook group that I am in as well. 

The school and Nursery use the term as well.
when I said I was studying it she wanted to know if I had a certificate in it. I said no I am reading about it, and studying on my own to try to learn about what I am dealing with. She looked down her nose at me and said that wasn't the same as doing a course. Well whoopie I know that, but it's the best I can do from here at the moment.
She was very quick to vilifie my Sons changes of leaving home, and of his issues before. so he was damned for staying originally, when they wanted him to go and we said if he did it suddenly it was impact on them, and that it was agreed a phased change would be better, now he's damned for going. He cannot win.
 I felt like I was in the witness box being cross examined about my attempt to get the contact regularily and consistent with both him and Mums family.
 She asked me why I agreed with the sleepover, and I said because I was trying to help strengthen the relationship and I also needed respite. But as the lad is disruptive and worse at school after contact then I am not putting their best interest at heart. I said that all I am doing is to try to put their interests first. Keeping bonds with the nanny and Aunty. She asked my opinion on them, and I said that I don't know, I didn't agree with them having contact originally but it was their case workers that assessed them not me. I said that the boys seem to love Nanny and Aunty, never really mention Mum by name but that I cannot rely on nanny only allowing Mum 2 hours. I am not there so what they do is not know to me. All I know is Mum turns up to collect and drop off. She's not supposed to be doing that. Right they can tell them I am not. I will get the fallout from that.
so it looks like I am going to have to stop the idea of sleeping over once a month, and also with Dad.
so as I get help it is going to be whipped out from under my feet. 

With school and nursery threatening to exclude Dgs1 it looks like I really am left at sea.
 I cannot see how I will be able to do any work if I cannot access the school, family or Dads care?? 

Maybe I am over reacting, but I am not so sure. 

Cairn

I am not a social worker. 

However, I know of a family placement that was refused as carer was assumed to not be able to control level of access to certain individuals. 

It’s hard on you because you will lose respite, but it’s quite possible that social services may decide that placement with you will be halted if they are not happy with access to other family/DS because of the impact on the children. 

I’m surprised you have no opinion of other gran and auntie are they capable of looking after the boys properly? 

I’m very sorry that you have all this on your plate. As your neighbour said, what a life your DS/kids have left you 😢

thorsoak

A phrase I remember from a long time ago, Ss - when it comes to your child, you are the expert.   You are the one with the child for 90% of the time and you know what buttons are pushed when a meltdown happens, and you know - to a point - how to deflect them.   But you still need help from the so-called "experts" who have read the books, got the certificates - but not the hands-on experience.   xxx

Savvy_sewing

Cairn said:

I am not a social worker. 

However, I know of a family placement that was refused as carer was assumed to not be able to control level of access to certain individuals. 

It’s hard on you because you will lose respite, but it’s quite possible that social services may decide that placement with you will be halted if they are not happy with access to other family/DS because of the impact on the children. 

I’m surprised you have no opinion of other gran and auntie are they capable of looking after the boys properly? 

I’m very sorry that you have all this on your plate. As your neighbour said, what a life your DS/kids have left you 😢

I cannot judge someone that I don't really know. All I see is Nanny collecting them and dropping them off. 

I don't see the Aunty. I never knew the Nanny when the parents were together so I have to accept the social did their assessment correctly.
My Personal opinion is biased by stories, from DS and rumour. That is secondhand so I can not base my opinion as I don't have the facts.
what I have seen is the boys go willingly to her, and seem content enough when they come back.
 I doubt that they will remove the boys, certainly cannot without a court order, because I tell them that if I tell them without evidence or authorities back up it will cause issues. ( remember last year on contact they didn't return them). Working with the nanny has been better and removed the tension and the stress all around. But If actually the interaction with them is why he is not functioning then I will of course stop the contact even if they do protest or cause Agro. 

beanielou

I just dont know what to say to be honest.
Do you feel that DGS1's behaviour is much worse after he has seen the other family?

Savvy_sewing

beanielou said:

I just dont know what to say to be honest.
Do you feel that DGS1's behaviour is much worse after he has seen the other family?

Before lockdown I wouldn't be able to say. However after him not seeing them for 10 weeks he was improving at school, and as soon as he had seen them, the Monday he was noticeably worse. The school noticed it at school, and they believe that he gets worse after he has seen them. 

I think he gets worse when ever there is a considerable change in his routines.  daddy not being around as much, also has seemed to have affected him.
 I am trying to understand how his subconscious is affecting him, his jealousy of his brother, his inability to share.
his constant wanting food but inability to eat his dinner. 

There are so many things that if I step back and analyse I see can be because of his bad start to life. 

onwards&upwards

I very much doubt that contact with a nanny and an aunty who love them and are committed to maintaining a relationship with them is the cause of the behaviour.  

The meltdowns and unwanted behaviours seem to happen on any and all days, whether they've had contact or not, don't they?

These kids need all the loving adults they can get, with parents who've let them down so badly. 

thorsoak

But when you do not know what is being said to them, when they are with other aunty and nanny, when you do not know what they are allowed to do - and what they are not allowed to do - it raises uncertainties.    Little ones' brain processes can sometimes throw up random memories at odd times - at odd triggers. 

pollyanna_26

Sorry things are difficult. The person from the post adoption team has to remain neutral and check history through the boys lives. When concerns are raised by school and others they have to consider everything. DGS1 had a lot of dispruption and uncertainy before he finally came to you . Two homes , dad leaving dad coming back as another baby was on the way.

I've never been able to imagine how he must have felt to be taken by police to social services while mum and dad were crashed out unaware he had wandered outdoors.

Living with the foster carers was good as they were capable kind and caring. His little brother was too young for the situation to cause too much damage.

Then they were back living with mum and dad he saw the arguments etc. I remember you buying food both for the baby and the household , nappies etc and constantly  bailing them out of debt cleaning their mess etc.

I feel those experiences have lodged somewhere inside him and coupled with the Autism he's an anxious little boy.

I notice things have worsened since visiting dad at the gfs . He seems keen to go but there's often fallout afterwards.

I know you like the GF but it seems as though he's struggling to adapt to different households and routines. The A Word TV series showed that conflict in I think the second series.

No idea what the answer is at the moment but although legally mum and grandma have rights at the moment maybe dad and gf visiting your house at the moment taking the boys outdoors for a few hours rather than to gfs house would be worth trying to see if he reacts better afterwards.

Both you and him need much more support from services than you're getting. You can learn a lot with study but not everything. I could tell you loads about Aspergers because I read every book  availabe on the subject over 20 years ago when it was just being considered by child psychiatrists. As the initial diagnosis was wrong I wasted a lot of time and money but was able to help other families whose children did have it.

Some professionals can talk down to you ,critisise etc but keep on with your way and accept any support you may be offered. You didn't give birth to those two boys but I thnk you know and understand them better than anyone else.

I hope everyone is well here . I'm in agony with Sciatica. It's been on and off lately but yesterday I had to move a large and very heavy sofa so I could access the cupboard under the stairs and read the gas meter.

This house was newly built when I moved in in  the mid 70s . Why the architects or whoever thought it was a good plan to put the electric meter on the side of the house outdoors but the gas meter in the main room which has two sets of double glass doors and a very wide  window with a small bit of wall then a smaller window defeats me. The sofa is too big to go in front of the windows so no moving around impossible. It cost me a fortune so not likely to get rid of it but needs shifting to open the full size door, kneel on the floor it's standing on and attempt to read it without ending up in traction.

Take care all

pollyx