Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

Savvy_sewing

I have considered all aspects. I went to hell and back agonising over it.
 I have grieved for my life plans and dreams lost.
 I have mind mapped, brain stormed, talked with family, friends, teachers, social workers, court guardians, doctors and health visitors.
 I think I took a long hard look and I had to grieve first in a strange way. I have accepted it now, and I am moving forward. I may be wearing L plates but I am learning.

boracic_lint

No, I’m afraid thorsoak not everyone does applauded the OP her hard work, and many take the view  of onwards and upwards. If this was a random incident in an otherwise stable family, most people would believe the boys would be far better off remaining within that family than farmed out. How anybody reading this can for one minute believe these boys are ever going to flourish in this environment is beyond me. OP, do the decent thing, and give these children a chance to break free of this cyclical disfunction by placing them with someone who has both the time, and more importantly the skill needed to guide these young boys to a prosperous future. 

gizmo111

boracic_lint said:

No, I’m afraid thorsoak not everyone does applauded the OP her hard work, and many take the view  of onwards and upwards. If this was a random incident in an otherwise stable family, most people would believe the boys would be far better off remaining within that family than farmed out. How anybody reading this can for one minute believe these boys are ever going to flourish in this environment is beyond me. OP, do the decent thing, and give these children a chance to break free of this cyclical disfunction by placing them with someone who has both the time, and more importantly the skill needed to guide these young boys to a prosperous future. 

And how exactly do you propose that SS finds someone to place them with???
The Children have been through the court process once and a plan of permeance was agreed by the court giving SS, Special Guardianship and over riding Parental Responsibility.  Alongside this was a support plan from social services who seem to be very slow to implement this, they should be offering relevant assessments, therapeutic parenting training (not standard parenting classes), respite and anything else that is deemed necessary to keep the children in the placement they asked the court to make permanent..................

thorsoak

The county in which Ss lives is notorious for the tardiness (and lack of financial support) for the Social Services Department.   It has been condemned by CQC on many occasions.

Savvy_sewing

Hopefully the Post Adoption team will now start to follow through with the support plan instead of leaving me high and dry at the court door and not returning my calls or emails.

As I said earlier just because my head is on the roller coaster it doesn't mean that is what the children see all the time.
My Personal meltdowns, are more my letting off steam here and tearing my hair out figuratively speaking. I am functioning properly Thankyou.
Yes I get emotional, hormonal and depressed. But It is better for me to put it down here in my journal/diary and regroup, then it would be to keep it all in my head and swamp me.
If I come across as unstable as you think then I am sorry. 

Perhaps you don't have to read it then you won't be worried about us.

NeilCr

thorsoak said:

onwards&upwards said:

Savvy_sewing said:

Not all of the time, I have had a lot of good times.  Yes it's been a rollercoaster. But that does not mean I am overwhelmed and struggling every day.
granted I let off steam and my thoughts here, but that's how I turn my negative thoughts and feelings back into positive ones, it's how I actually do cope, get respite, find a friend that is in worse situations than me. How I am able to actually mentor other people on some of the same journeys.
I find the calm in the( chaos to you), storms. I give love and hugs, I listen, and I do my best. That's all anyone can do. 

Sometimes we have to say enough is enough, realise that a bad situation has gone on too long and will not get better, and make hard decisions for the benefit of the people we love, even though its incredibly painful. 

I'll leave it there for today. 

onwards&upwards said:

Savvy_sewing said:

Not all of the time, I have had a lot of good times.  Yes it's been a rollercoaster. But that does not mean I am overwhelmed and struggling every day.
granted I let off steam and my thoughts here, but that's how I turn my negative thoughts and feelings back into positive ones, it's how I actually do cope, get respite, find a friend that is in worse situations than me. How I am able to actually mentor other people on some of the same journeys.
I find the calm in the( chaos to you), storms. I give love and hugs, I listen, and I do my best. That's all anyone can do. 

So, onwards and upwards - what would you think would happen to these three children if Ss were to "give them up"?   A rosy, Walt Disney happy ever after family suddenly appearing and whisking all three children away, and Mary Poppins to turn up with a "spick spack spot" and make everything wonderful?   
Ss is doing a great job - and unless you've been in her shoes, it is, in my opinion, wrong to tell her what to do and what not to do.   Yes, we advise her, but we respect her decisions - and applaud her hard work - and thank the lord that we are not in her position.    There, but for the Grace of God, goes a large number of people. x

As regular readers will know my partner is in a somewhat similar situation. She is rather older than SS and has her six year old granddaughter living with her. Her son is there but is a key worker and works long hours. In effect, my partner does all the parenting - the mother is around and the granddaughter does spend time with her - but she is unreliable. There is a court order in place

First up my partner would agree with what Ss has done. If two more came along she would take them. I am in awe of what she does - she is very practical and just gets on with it. This last week her son has been off and we have spent the entire time together and meeting friends. The relief of time to herself is palpable. The biggest thing for me - as her partner- is the loss of much of her social life - she has lost touch with friends because of her inability to get away and I see her get more and more tired. She is acutely aware of the age gap between her and her granddaughter - the older the child gets the bigger this is. We talked about going forward today and I know what her life is for the next five years or so until the granddaughter can go to school by herself etc etc

For me - looking at SS's situation (I hope dispassionately) it often feels like Groundhog Day. Things go wrong - there is a determined effort to start again which works well and then drifts away. And, so it starts again. It's also a bit chaotic - will the son be there - will sewing  start again? One thing I notice with my partner is that she is pretty ruthless with routine. Since the granddaughter has been there she's been clear about how things go (a bit different when she goes to her mums but hey ho). I'd also add that - while my partner only has one child with her - she provides regular support to another son who has a disabled wife and four (very boisterous) boys - one of who has ADHD and another who is likely to be tested for Aspergers soon. She sometimes has all the kids over to give her son a break

I, also, would agree with onwards and upwards that different views on this thread are good - most seem to me to be given with the best of intentions even if they are disapproved of by some. And, cheerleading is good, too - we all need support but it has to be done with care

Long post! We all know that SS is in this for the long haul whether or not we think that is wise. It's natural to her (and would be to many others). But it is going to be very hard and it really needs a regular routine that varies little in the years ahead. My biggest concern is that this will return to Groundhog Day. I, sincerely, hope that doesn't happen

Good luck SS

Savvy_sewing

It shouldn't Neil if I get the support social had told me that I would get.
 The routine is coming back in to place, differently because I am not currently working. I am learning different ways of distracting DGS when he has one of his controversial moments.
 I actually managed to sideswipe two episodes today, and the worst he managed was to turn into a ball and gerr at me. He would have hit me and hit his head on anything close or hit himself with his fists before. So I am learning how to deal with it without getting emotional, angry or frustrated with him. 

I have learned from the therapeutic parenting I am reading. 

It is not a magic wand. He will still try to control and manipulate the situations.
He will push the boundaries every day, several times. The rules will stay the same. The countdown reminders will still be in place. The mealtime rules will be the same, as bedtime is. 

The warnings about what is going to happen tomorrow, today, later will still be in place. The requests for help with the education plan, therapy play, diagnosis's etc But a diagnosis is just a label, it won't change him, it will just possibly mean that he gets assistance through life. 

DS backing off somewhat is necessary for all of us.
 The meetings with Mum and the other family will have to continue unless the post adoption team think it is making things worse. It felt like it was after 10 weeks of not seeing them then seeing them, we had terrible reactions. But now I understand how he could be trying to process things, and it is important that I am consistent with telling him that this is home, theirs is a visit, and that he will be coming home.
last visit went well, and we didn't have any nuclear fallout the next day either.
 I am under no illusions that that won't be the case all of the time. But I am grateful for the good days.

gizmo111

thorsoak said:

The county in which Ss lives is notorious for the tardiness (and lack of financial support) for the Social Services Department.   It has been condemned by CQC on many occasions.

It is indeed, but the CQC covers adults.
OFSTED cover children's. 

Savvy_sewing

boracic_lint said:

No, I’m afraid thorsoak not everyone does applauded the OP her hard work, and many take the view  of onwards and upwards. If this was a random incident in an otherwise stable family, most people would believe the boys would be far better off remaining within that family than farmed out. How anybody reading this can for one minute believe these boys are ever going to flourish in this environment is beyond me. OP, do the decent thing, and give these children a chance to break free of this cyclical disfunction by placing them with someone who has both the time, and more importantly the skill needed to guide these young boys to a prosperous future. 

For some one who has been a member since 2006 and only visited the site 2 times, and only posted twice, you know me well enough to comment?
very unusual.

thorsoak

Sorry gizmo - I stand corrected.   I know that the county council has been castigated about the way that they have allowed the Social Services dept to run (or run down).