Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

Savvy_sewing

onwards&upwards said:

Savvy_sewing said:

I expect the social will require me to go on parenting courses again ( even though the problem is more pre guardianship).

I genuinely don't mean this to be cruel, but I do think it needs saying, so I apologise but also don't apologise. 

I think its important that you don't keep believing that the children you are caring for only have issues because of what happened before they came to you.  Yes things improved after they came to you but they still haven't been fantastic.  You have struggled, and you have just been getting through the week a lot of the time, there has still been inconsistency, periods of chaos and sporadic contact with parents etc.  

Also, as regards the parenting classes.  I know you did your best with your adult children as every parent does, but being brutally honest with yourself was there nothing you could have done better that might have meant that the situation as it is now would never have arisen?  Don't you want support and guidance to avoid making the same mistakes again with a new generation?

Who couldn't say that if given the chance you would have done things differently?
 I fought for help for 11 years before I finally got help with and for the twins.
 I had to deal with the best of a turbulent life as I could. 

Hind sight is a wonderful thing. 

Knowing what I know now about trauma, about Learning Disabilities and about the loop holes in the system that is meant to support families I am a completely different "parent". I went on parenting courses, fostering courses, health and safety courses. I studied twins, I studied adhd, dyspraxia and deslexia.
 I engaged with all the professionals that I could.
 I asked for my girls to be put on the pill or the implant because I knew they were vulnerable but I was told that it was against their human rights.
 I asked what would happen if they became pregnant and I was right.
 I have been overwhelmed lately, what with lockdown, having to stop working, dealing with a broken and now deformed hand, the loss of my dearest friends, and lack of sleep.
yes I have struggled.
But I have risen to the challenges again and again. I have had sleep and a break and I have picked myself up and carried on.
its what I have to do.
 I don't expect miracles, I don't expect life to be easy. There are no Rose tinted glasses here, I knew in the beginning that it was going to be challenging.
 I just needed to keep looking for the best way I could. 

The boys deserve the best I can give, and so does Dgd. 

I am doing that. It may be hap hazard to you. I have routine and structures, but they have been upset by outside influences as well. 

All I can do is keep trying 

Savvy_sewing

thorsoak said:

Savvy_sewing said:

Savvy 1- rats 0:-

Oh bl**dy h*11 !    Not  a nice peaceful tranquil start to your day - but at least it was a dead one!   Hopefully all clothes can be washed & dried and put away again by tonight.     
Edited to add:  If it were me, I know that I would be bleaching/disinfecting - and having to be held back from flame-throwing at the drawer ! :-D

Yes drawers all pulled out. Disinfected with Zoflora. And back after cleaning the carcus and floor beneath it.
 I have stopped for a cup of tea and because the boys are due back in 10 minutes.
when I get them in bed tonight I will be pulling out the bookcases, etc and the toy box unit and cleaning behind/in/ etc all of them.
 I will be decluttering as I go as well.
 I was going to challenge myself to a decluttering August anyway.
Also pick up again on some other MSE challenges. 

Once decluttered I plan on redecorating, changing my soft furnishings etc too.
But it will be a slower process because of my hand. 

onwards&upwards

Savvy_sewing said:

onwards&upwards said:

Savvy_sewing said:

I expect the social will require me to go on parenting courses again ( even though the problem is more pre guardianship).

I genuinely don't mean this to be cruel, but I do think it needs saying, so I apologise but also don't apologise. 

I think its important that you don't keep believing that the children you are caring for only have issues because of what happened before they came to you.  Yes things improved after they came to you but they still haven't been fantastic.  You have struggled, and you have just been getting through the week a lot of the time, there has still been inconsistency, periods of chaos and sporadic contact with parents etc.  

Also, as regards the parenting classes.  I know you did your best with your adult children as every parent does, but being brutally honest with yourself was there nothing you could have done better that might have meant that the situation as it is now would never have arisen?  Don't you want support and guidance to avoid making the same mistakes again with a new generation?

 I have been overwhelmed lately, what with lockdown, having to stop working, dealing with a broken and now deformed hand, the loss of my dearest friends, and lack of sleep.
yes I have struggled.

But you've been overwhelmed and struggling since your first thread on here 12 years ago.  

How long can you and these children go on struggling from one crisis to the next?

Savvy_sewing

As long as it takes

onwards&upwards

Savvy_sewing said:

As long as it takes

Is that the right thing to do?  Are you sure?

Savvy_sewing

Not all of the time, I have had a lot of good times.  Yes it's been a rollercoaster. But that does not mean I am overwhelmed and struggling every day.
granted I let off steam and my thoughts here, but that's how I turn my negative thoughts and feelings back into positive ones, it's how I actually do cope, get respite, find a friend that is in worse situations than me. How I am able to actually mentor other people on some of the same journeys.
I find the calm in the( chaos to you), storms. I give love and hugs, I listen, and I do my best. That's all anyone can do. 

onwards&upwards

Savvy_sewing said:

Not all of the time, I have had a lot of good times.  Yes it's been a rollercoaster. But that does not mean I am overwhelmed and struggling every day.
granted I let off steam and my thoughts here, but that's how I turn my negative thoughts and feelings back into positive ones, it's how I actually do cope, get respite, find a friend that is in worse situations than me. How I am able to actually mentor other people on some of the same journeys.
I find the calm in the( chaos to you), storms. I give love and hugs, I listen, and I do my best. That's all anyone can do. 

Sometimes we have to say enough is enough, realise that a bad situation has gone on too long and will not get better, and make hard decisions for the benefit of the people we love, even though its incredibly painful. 

I'll leave it there for today. 

Savvy_sewing

onwards&upwards said:

Savvy_sewing said:

Not all of the time, I have had a lot of good times.  Yes it's been a rollercoaster. But that does not mean I am overwhelmed and struggling every day.
granted I let off steam and my thoughts here, but that's how I turn my negative thoughts and feelings back into positive ones, it's how I actually do cope, get respite, find a friend that is in worse situations than me. How I am able to actually mentor other people on some of the same journeys.
I find the calm in the( chaos to you), storms. I give love and hugs, I listen, and I do my best. That's all anyone can do. 

Sometimes we have to say enough is enough, realise that a bad situation has gone on too long and will not get better, and make hard decisions for the benefit of the people we love, even though its incredibly painful. 

I'll leave it there for today. 

You and I will never agree. 

These children are not going anywhere else unless Social Services think they are and then it would go back to court.
Looking for and getting them the care and support for their traumatic start, amongst family that love and know them is actually better for them then going from one foster home to another, or going to a failed adoption when the trauma that they have been through is too much for them as well.
after having found over 100,00 people on line going through the same, similar and worse situations it appears that adoption is not a quick Fix or a happy ever after.
Sadly.
Because I write about how I feel and how inadequate I feel at the time, doesn't mean that the routine is not here. That I present to the children in the way I feel.
That we don't play Playdough and build lego and train tracks. That we don't read stories, have giggles and lots of love and laughter. 

I am not going to give up on them, Dgd, or myself. 

I may feel like giving up on DS, but apart from cutting the purse strings and getting him to leave, he is welcome to visit and I hope that he gets a better life, job, and stability. Then when he comes the family will see the Dad they should have been able to see sooner if he hadn't gone down the wrong path with the family from hell and their associates. Or met the Mum with all her issues. But then we wouldn't have such beautiful boys. 

There is hope for their future. There is a chance for them. 

We all do what we think is best for our family. You are not in my position so you couldn't begin to understand. 

I appreciate your thoughts, your following my life for 12 years. One day I might surprise you when it is a smooth path and not a rollercoaster.

thorsoak

onwards&upwards said:

Savvy_sewing said:

Not all of the time, I have had a lot of good times.  Yes it's been a rollercoaster. But that does not mean I am overwhelmed and struggling every day.
granted I let off steam and my thoughts here, but that's how I turn my negative thoughts and feelings back into positive ones, it's how I actually do cope, get respite, find a friend that is in worse situations than me. How I am able to actually mentor other people on some of the same journeys.
I find the calm in the( chaos to you), storms. I give love and hugs, I listen, and I do my best. That's all anyone can do. 

Sometimes we have to say enough is enough, realise that a bad situation has gone on too long and will not get better, and make hard decisions for the benefit of the people we love, even though its incredibly painful. 

I'll leave it there for today. 

onwards&upwards said:

Savvy_sewing said:

Not all of the time, I have had a lot of good times.  Yes it's been a rollercoaster. But that does not mean I am overwhelmed and struggling every day.
granted I let off steam and my thoughts here, but that's how I turn my negative thoughts and feelings back into positive ones, it's how I actually do cope, get respite, find a friend that is in worse situations than me. How I am able to actually mentor other people on some of the same journeys.
I find the calm in the( chaos to you), storms. I give love and hugs, I listen, and I do my best. That's all anyone can do. 

So, onwards and upwards - what would you think would happen to these three children if Ss were to "give them up"?   A rosy, Walt Disney happy ever after family suddenly appearing and whisking all three children away, and Mary Poppins to turn up with a "spick spack spot" and make everything wonderful?   
Ss is doing a great job - and unless you've been in her shoes, it is, in my opinion, wrong to tell her what to do and what not to do.   Yes, we advise her, but we respect her decisions - and applaud her hard work - and thank the lord that we are not in her position.    There, but for the Grace of God, goes a large number of people. x

onwards&upwards

thorsoak said:

onwards&upwards said:

Savvy_sewing said:

Not all of the time, I have had a lot of good times.  Yes it's been a rollercoaster. But that does not mean I am overwhelmed and struggling every day.
granted I let off steam and my thoughts here, but that's how I turn my negative thoughts and feelings back into positive ones, it's how I actually do cope, get respite, find a friend that is in worse situations than me. How I am able to actually mentor other people on some of the same journeys.
I find the calm in the( chaos to you), storms. I give love and hugs, I listen, and I do my best. That's all anyone can do. 

Sometimes we have to say enough is enough, realise that a bad situation has gone on too long and will not get better, and make hard decisions for the benefit of the people we love, even though its incredibly painful. 

I'll leave it there for today. 

onwards&upwards said:

Savvy_sewing said:

Not all of the time, I have had a lot of good times.  Yes it's been a rollercoaster. But that does not mean I am overwhelmed and struggling every day.
granted I let off steam and my thoughts here, but that's how I turn my negative thoughts and feelings back into positive ones, it's how I actually do cope, get respite, find a friend that is in worse situations than me. How I am able to actually mentor other people on some of the same journeys.
I find the calm in the( chaos to you), storms. I give love and hugs, I listen, and I do my best. That's all anyone can do. 

So, onwards and upwards - what would you think would happen to these three children if Ss were to "give them up"?   A rosy, Walt Disney happy ever after family suddenly appearing and whisking all three children away, and Mary Poppins to turn up with a "spick spack spot" and make everything wonderful?   
Ss is doing a great job - and unless you've been in her shoes, it is, in my opinion, wrong to tell her what to do and what not to do.   Yes, we advise her, but we respect her decisions - and applaud her hard work - and thank the lord that we are not in her position.    There, but for the Grace of God, goes a large number of people. x

I don't think the granddaughter should go anywhere, but yes, I admit I do think it might be better for all three if the two boys were with a new family.  And I don't say that lightly because actually I have seen first hand, several times, how adoption is not a magic fix. 

I also post because I think its important that the OP doesn't just get responses from her 'fan club' but also from people who challenge and make her perhaps consider different sides.  Also that if she ever does feel able to make that decision I want her to feel able to do it and not think that she will be judged or that everybody will see it as 'giving up', that there will always be people who will wholeheartedly support that decision.