Partner and Friend issues

Pollycat

BrassicWoman wrote: »

Andy, do you have a coaching or mentoring qualification? Are you supervised, like a professional coach?

I thought the same.
It's not the first time I've read Andy asking a poster to PM him.
I'm not sure if it is within MSE rules.

I'm just feeling a tad uncomfortable.

keith969

PO, please run, as fast as you can., I was in a toxic relationship for 25 years, it did no end of damage, we stayed together because of the the kids but in reality it would have done them and us better to split early .

Only when out I realised it was possible to love and be loved (and what a revelation was that) , to have a normal life, have normal relationships with my kids. I'ts never too late, JFDI.

Hectors_House

OP I am now going to share some very personal stuff about my self.

I’ve done this because it will be an illustration for you of what your life could become if you don’t break free of this toxic woman.

My mother ruled those in her immediate family completely.

Dad could never do anything right. It didn’t matter how hard he worked he could never celebrate his successes in his advancement in his career cus she wouldn’t let him. Nothing he did was good enough. She even picked fault with his DIY. One house we lived in had a wood burner and she would often tell him he didn’t chop the wood up the right way. WTAF??!!!

Unfortunately Dad was born into a very dysfunctional family himself and was abused by his mother so knew no different.

Then children came along. Twins. My mother loved that cus it got one up on her sisters who (according to her) had wanted to be the one from their generation to bring twins into the family).

What few photos we have from our childhood shows us always dressed the same like a pair of dolls. This wasn’t cus it was cheaper to buy multiples. Dad made all our clothes from patterns Mum had sent out and he did what she said.

That’s another aspect of it. Mums control only spread to her own family unit because we lived overseas most of our lives. I saw her try to control others outside the family and she would always drive away any friends they had eventually.

As to twins. Her philosophy there was divide and conquer. My sister grew up as the golden child who could do no wrong. She was told to watch me because apparently I was trouble. This was when we were six!

Dad didn’t bother to argue with her because you could never win. She didn’t know how to debate. She just shouted him down and had to have the last word and that last word could be unbelievably nasty.

I eventually broke free in my forties when I realised something was very wrong. I bought a house with my sister that needed a lot of work. My mother created arguments constantly until we had to tell Dad we didn’t want her in the house anymore because everything we looked at around us reminded of an argument she had caused. To this day I watch adverts of happy family situations and think that’s made up. No family is really like that. I’m wrong.

And here is the really sad thing. I got my wish about 18 months ago when she died before Dad. He has found it hard to cope but he as also started to see for himself what his children are really like and I’m beginning to see my Dads real personality now he feels safe to express it.

Get counselling to find out why you attracted this kind of partner and make sure another doesn’t reel you in.

Don’t let your life mirror my fathers.

spirit

Hectors_House wrote: »

OP I am now going to share some very personal stuff about my self.

I’ve done this because it will be an illustration for you of what your life could become if you don’t break free of this toxic woman.

My mother ruled those in her immediate family completely.

Dad could never do anything right. It didn’t matter how hard he worked he could never celebrate his successes in his advancement in his career cus she wouldn’t let him. Nothing he did was good enough. She even picked fault with his DIY. One house we lived in had a wood burner and she would often tell him he didn’t chop the wood up the right way. WTAF??!!!

Unfortunately Dad was born into a very dysfunctional family himself and was abused by his mother so knew no different.

Then children came along. Twins. My mother loved that cus it got one up on his sisters who (according to her) had wanted to be the one from their generation to bring twins into the family).

What few photos we have from our childhood shows us always dress’s the same like a pair of dolls. This wasn’t cus it was cheaper to buy multiples. Dad made all our clothes from patterns Mum had sent out.

That’s another aspect of it. Mums control only spread to her own family unit because we lived overseas most of our lives. I saw her try to control others outside the family and she would always drive away any friends they had eventually.

As to twins. Her philosophy there was divide and conquer. My sister grew up as the golden child who could do no wrong. She was told to watch me because apparently I was trouble. This was when we were six!

Dad didn’t bother to argue with her because you could never win. She didn’t know how to debate. She just shouted him down and had to have the last word and that last word could be unbelievably nasty.

I eventually broke free in my forties when I realised something was very wrong. I bought a house with my sister that needed a lot of work. My mother created arguments constantly until we had to tell Dad we didn’t want her in the house anymore because everything we looked at around us reminded of an argument she had caused. To this day I watch adverts of family situations and think that’s made up. No family is really like that.

And here is the really sad thing. I got my wish about 18 months ago when she died before Dad. He has found it hard to cope but he as also started to see for himself what his children are really like and I’m beginning to see my Dads real personality now he feels safe to express it.

Get counselling to find out why you attracted this kind of partner and make sure another doesn’t reel you in.

Don’t let your life mirror my fathers.

classic narcissistic personality disorder https://www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/about-mental-illness/learn-more-about-conditions/personality-disorder/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwh8jrBRDQARIsAH7BsXeBeqywYft9SsuKCYzuH4N5508KhRkmlrefwmnDCHBYu0nUaJneb5saAixpEALw_wcB

Hectors_House

spirit wrote: »

classic narcissistic personality disorder https://www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/about-mental-illness/learn-more-about-conditions/personality-disorder/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwh8jrBRDQARIsAH7BsXeBeqywYft9SsuKCYzuH4N5508KhRkmlrefwmnDCHBYu0nUaJneb5saAixpEALw_wcB

Yes. And sadly another aspect of the dysfunction is playing out now my mother is dead. My sister is taking on a lot of her traits.

Thankfully I no longer live with her.

I will always love her. But I won’t let her control me.