Partner and Friend issues

caprikid1

OP , it won't get better and it is far too late for her to change.


This is learned behaviour and will progress to financial control and so much more.


If you stay and bring children into this toxicity you will be continuing the cycle.


If you think you are punching above your weight, its a complete package and she will eventually destroy you.


You know exactly what to do, listen to your mind ,friends and family. Anyone who controls you in this way loves themselves not you.

Runningfast

Thanks everyone the message is clear and it's what I know to be the right decision also.

It has broken down further between us today and is probably the worst it has ever been .

I was given further ultimatums and today I finally bit back hard (on telephone), I'm at the end of my tether. I'm upset with myself but the constant goading and emotional abuse including her using a certain term (that I believe to be just aimed at emotional control) pushed me over the edge and I cracked including crying in public. The taxi driver will need a week off after that drive!!

Primrose

That is sad that you were exposed to this kind of pressure, but when your head has cleared clock up that this is the kind of behaviour she would continue to inflict on you. You can now see the sort of effect it will have on your wellbeing and your ability to lead a normal well balanced life.

Now is the time to block her ohone and permanently walk away.
And then be kind to yourself and slowly start to rebuild your life.

Pollycat

Why are you still in contact with her?
She's an ex.
Why is she still giving you ultimatums?
She's toxic (and won't change).
Block all means of communication between you.

How did you leave the last contact with her?
If it was 'it's over between us', leave it at that.
Move on.
You deserve better.

spirit

Runningfast wrote: »

Thanks everyone the message is clear and it's what I know to be the right decision also.

It has broken down further between us today and is probably the worst it has ever been .

I was given further ultimatums and today I finally bit back hard (on telephone), I'm at the end of my tether. I'm upset with myself but the constant goading and emotional abuse including her using a certain term (that I believe to be just aimed at emotional control) pushed me over the edge and I cracked including crying in public. The taxi driver will need a week off after that drive!!

She's got you hooked like a goodun. cut that cord.

Skiddaw1

Runningfast, this is one of those times when playing Gloria Gaynor 'I will survive' on a permanent loop is the best thing you can do. You CAN and WILL make a life for yourself- a much better one- that doesn't include your ex. All you have to do is take that first step and mean it....

Abbafan1972

I haven't read through the whole thread but I don't know why you're even in contact with her?

This is the start of an abusive relationship - next she'll be telling you what to wear and how to have your hair.

Have you ever seen "My Abusive Girlfriend"? it was a documentary on BBC. This poor bloke was even being starved by his girlfriend, as she wouldn't let him eat.

Good luck - I hope you'll make the right decision.

Happier_Me

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 3 years. He isolated me from friends and family and controlled everything. I would do anything... agree to anything... to avoid a confrontation because I couldn't cope with the fall out.

The hardest thing I have ever done was tell him it was over. You know this relationship MUST end! Now find the strength to end it... and do it now!

The next few months will be really hard... you will want to contact her, see her, get back with her... but please don't! I promise it gets easier and there is better out there for you!

A year after I broke up with my ex I met my now husband and we are still going strong 23 years later. But threads like this remind me of a very bad time in my life. I'm thankful I walked away when I did and learnt from my mistakes. Do your future self a massive favour and do the same.... please!

System

OP - I'm afraid you are just as much a problem in this relationship as her.

Runningfast wrote: »

My now ex (recently gf/partner) has a history of ultimatums and wanting things her way including expecting others

What you're really trying to say is people have let her get her may for so long it's now the norm. A book I can recommend you in dealing with people like this 'When I Say No I feel Guilty' by Manual Smith.

Runningfast wrote: »

There is a long running history of skirmishes between my gf and this one particular friend (she accused us of cheating because we once went away for a weekend together before I started dating my gf). Doesn't matter what I do I can't seem to get my gf to even meet my mates. I have tried arranging days out as two couples, I have tried arranging a big group weekend away (at least 5 couples invited) more than once etc. I have tried encouraging my gf to meet my friend for a coffee etc. She either says yes and then cancels last minute or just goes to war.

Not normal behaviour. This is BPD stuff. But ask yourself, why are you bothered if she doesn't want to meet them. So what? Carry on with your life and meet them without her. If you were together she'd soon not like that either and I'm willing to believe she'd rather be there than not then considering the controlling behaviour. Read No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover and get your spine back.

Runningfast wrote: »

My gf has given me the ultimatum

No normal person would do this to another human being without reasonable grounds. She is being unreasonable, but you're letting her because you're not being strong enough with her.

Runningfast wrote: »

I'm at a loss, nothing I can do or say seems to get a satisfactory outcome. It's horrific between us right now!!

I love her but I don't see why I need to push out my long standing mates and isolate myself.

You don't. You either stand up for yourself and put your foot down and she falls in line or she leaves. Either works on the surface considering the issues she's causing. Trouble is, your lack of leadership (and others around her) have lead her to take control of everything. She's a product of weak people letting her get her own way. Now you can't go introducing a firm hand immediately and expect results - these things take time. I have more resources at my disposal - PM me.

BrassicWoman

andydownes123 wrote: »

I have more resources at my disposal - PM me.

Andy, do you have a coaching or mentoring qualification? Are you supervised, like a professional coach?