Partner and Friend issues

gomer

Way too high maintenance & far too damaging. Fack her off and thank your lucky stars.

thorsoak

Runningfast wrote: »

She has lots of good points and this thread is concentrating on one part that I find unacceptable.

The problem for me is I am in love with her, I do has an intense emotional connection that I can't seem to switch off etc. The issue is that some of her actions and demands are not compatible with my outlook and stress me out. She is a very insecure person (and I believe all of this stems from her insecurity) and there are many parts of her needs where to settle her anxiety etc. (for a short while) requires me to change and give things up. Over that past few years I have changed as much as I can, I have compromised (in my mind) on the things I can but that only ever gets me short term relief and then the rules change again.

An example being, She backed up by her mate set a rule that I can only see my female friends in group settings, I stuck to that (foolish I know). There has been times when friends have invited both of us to parties and bbqs etc. and I have declined the offers to keep her happy etc.

To be honest pretty much all the catch ups with my mates (male and female) this year have been since we split up, too much hassle when we were together!!. Unfortunately, the rules she set are no longer valid she wants complete removal of those friends now and I'm worried were that would end up going forward if we were to get back together. Not just in this situation but in others such as kicking off the other christmas about me having to buy a £5 secret santa gift in work for a woman (we just pull names out of a hat the whole office takes part). The rules are becoming more demanding and I can't keep bending and changing I'm at my limit.

There was a situation last year when we bumped in to a mate of mine my gf then made an issue saying that my friend had disrespected her. It was only for another mate being 2 feet away who told m nothing happened to be worried about was I able to so stop that argument dead.

You may be "in love" with her at the moment - but if she continues to act in this way (which she will - you will never, ever change her) you will finish up hating her - and you will have no friends left.

For your own mental health, drop her now. Block her phone no, block her social media access, tell your friends that you no longer wish to deal with this narcissist (for this is what she is) so neither should they. If she persists in pursuing you, then you may have to get an injunction against her.

Poppy1984

Sadly this is an unhealthy and unhappy relationship. I understand why she's behaving like that if she has a lot of insecurities, however just because I understand it, it doesn't make it right. The problem with that kind of behaviour is, it will never help her feel better (less insecure) it might initially when she first makes the demands and you agree to them she will get a bit of false security but then that will wear off and her demands will get bigger and more u reasonable. The issues are within her and until she deals with these (through seeking therapy) nothing you do will help. She will also be like this whoever she is with.

I understand you love her and that's why you're finding it difficult to stay apart but if you get back together with her and stay in a relationship you will continue to have this cycle of behaviour for the rest of your time together. It will not make you happy and it will not make her happy.

This article is very good for those struggling to break away from an unhealthy relationship.

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-stop-feeling-consumed-by-your-fear-of-being-alone/

mattpaint

She's abusive and controlling. Run, don't walk.

ska_lover

I hope you are OK , OP

I do hope, in the couple of days since you posted on this, you are asserting your new found singledom

This Ex of yours - is nothing but trouble. I understand anxiety, but that is not an excuse to make you pay for it. Her anxiety is not your fault. You do not have to pay the price for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life.

I hope you are sticking to your guns, and when in times of wobble, re-read this thread.

I understand you love her, but don't go making long term decisions based on these emotions

It is really hard when you are with an A-Hole, and all your friends and family can see it, even you agree with them - but you are the one with the feelings who has to live with it

But trust me, even if you go back now, this will never go away and will cause a split at some point, in six months or six years, who knows but eventually her lack of trust and demands will erode your feelings away

Primrose

You say she has lots of good points. Most of our partners have lots of good points which make them easy to live with.

The problem In relationship is when people have lots of BAD points which you CANT live with, and this unfortunately is the situation in which you find yourself.

When somebody is deliberately emotionally abusive they eventually destroy the heart and soul of the person they are abusing, destroy their self confidence and drive away all the support systems they have with their friends and family.

THIS IS WHERE YOu ARE NOW. Please step back and be honest with yourself . You don,t love her. You may have a very complicated ,relationship with her but it is not love. Emotional dependency perhaps where she may seem strong and you are weak but she is not supporting you in your weakness.. She has been systematically destroying you.

I think when you have been away from her for a while some of the scales will slowly drop from your eyes. Only when you have been free long enough to enter into another more healthy relationship will you realise what a narrow escape you have had.

badmemory

I don't actually think you are now in love with her. I think you are addicted to her/her behaviour. There is only one way to deal with this & that is to go cold turkey. You really do not want to be that man who is too embarrassed to go to the police because he has been injured because he merely said hello to the wrong person.

Mojisola

badmemory wrote: »

I don't actually think you are now in love with her. I think you are addicted to her/her behaviour. There is only one way to deal with this & that is to go cold turkey. You really do not want to be that man who is too embarrassed to go to the police because he has been injured because he merely said hello to the wrong person.

I know someone whose brother is in a relationship like this - his partner totally controls his life and has beaten him so badly that he's ended up in hospital three times but she convinces each time that 'she wouldn't have done it if he hadn't done X, Y or Z' and he goes back to her and thinks it's all his fault.

hazyjo

Totally agree with everything the others have said. I'd definitely stay away from her.


But... the thing that niggled me too was the whole coupley thing. I have quite a lot of friends in different circles, and I will only take my OH along if it's something like a wedding, christening or similar function. I'm dragging him (kicking and screaming lol) to one of their daughter's 18th party (on a Sun afternoon - family affair, not for all her mates). I do remember in my 20s and early 30s feeling like we had to do coupley things all the time. Gawd, the amount of dinner parties around that time!


My mum and dad used to always go out with other couples or round their houses or on holiday. I don't think they ever went out just the two of them. My sister is the same. I guess I'm just not that sort of person. Maybe your GF isn't either which can't be helping.

snilloct1957

OP, please read again the advice of barbiedoll at post number 49. This is the pinnacle of all the sound advice that has been written about your situation. Your ex's behaviour will never improve until she accepts she has done something wrong and gets help. Walk away now before she drags you down into her pit of despair.