Partner and Friend issues

Runningfast

So, in a complete mess at the moment and have no idea how to sort this as it just keeps escalating.

My now ex (recently gf/partner) has a history of ultimatums and wanting things her way including expecting others (i.e. not directly related) to show her loyalty. Example below.

My now ex (due to this situation) doesn't like several of my friends and has fallen out with them.

There is a long running history of skirmishes between my gf and this one particular friend (she accused us of cheating because we once went away for a weekend together before I started dating my gf). Doesn't matter what I do I can't seem to get my gf to even meet my mates. I have tried arranging days out as two couples, I have tried arranging a big group weekend away (at least 5 couples invited) more than once etc. I have tried encouraging my gf to meet my friend for a coffee etc. She either says yes and then cancels last minute or just goes to war.

My gf has given me the ultimatum that we can only get back together if I cut contact with my friend because she doesn't trust them or our friendship plus she also wants nothing to do with another friend (one of my closest and long standing mates) because they meet up with the other friend occasionally. My gf believes that my close friend should be showing loyalty to her and not interacting with the friend she doesn't like. Honestly, this is from a mid 30's professional woman, I feel like I am back at school!!!

The issues for me is, I just don't get it, I have a small circle of friends 5 male 2 female (the 2 females are in relationships and children with their partners). I see all my mates occasionally as we are all busy in life and when we do meet up its usually in group meets etc. For example I have seen the 2 female friends about 5 times combined in 2019 and always been in group settings. I don't see why I should start isolating myself from my friends.

My now ex also has a history of trying to cause a wedge between myself and a number of other friends including male friends. An example being one of my closest male friends lives a few hours away so I only see him occasionally through the year she has put many blocks on me trying to arrange catchups with him. One of my other mates now lives abroad so I see him every couple of years or so and she has questioned my friendship with him etc. She has also caused issues between myself and family members.

I'm at a loss, nothing I can do or say seems to get a satisfactory outcome. It's horrific between us right now!!

I love her but I don't see why I need to push out my long standing mates and isolate myself.

Anyone have advice on this childish and school yard boll**ks!

spadoosh

Shes a douchebag, wish her well and say goodbye.

LilElvis

It doesn't sound as though she is likely to change and, no matter how much you love her now, her behaviour will eventually turn that love to resentment. Unless she acknowledges that she has a problem and is prepared to accept professional help too address her issues then you should walk away. Even if she does seek help I wouldn't restart the relationship until she is able to demonstrate a genuine change in her behaviour as opposed to just saying that she will and then back-sliding once she feels that she has appeased you.

kangoora

Sounds like she has trust issues, control issues and possibly, is slightly (maybe more) paranoid. She needs professional help.

If she won't seek professional help then imagine what it would be like in 10 years time. She will successfully ostracise you from all your friends - unless they are very forgiving no-one will put up with continual hassle every time you get together and, likely, you will all just drift apart. You'll have no friends apart from ones she deems OK and it sounds like she doesn't think anyone is OK!

The fact she is also affecting family members is a complete no-no.

Find someone else who accepts your friends and family who you can be happy with for the next 40 years, not someone who will make you miserable for the next 40 years.

Personally, for me, life is too short too put up with this schoolyard bulls**t (which you recognise it is). I'd not be reconciling with her and just let her go her own way and make someone else's life miserable.

Gavin83

This is the start of an abusive relationship. Isolating the person from their friends/relatives is a common initial tactic most abusers use. It'll start out like this, then you won't be allowed to go out at all, then she'll "manage" your money, then it might well start getting physical...

You're WAY better out of this. Whatever you do don't get back with her, you'll grow to regret it.

unholyangel

Runningfast wrote: »

My gf has given me the ultimatum that we can only get back together if I cut contact with my friend because she doesn't trust them or our friendship plus she also wants nothing to do with another friend (one of my closest and long standing mates) because they meet up with the other friend occasionally. My gf believes that my close friend should be showing loyalty to her and not interacting with the friend she doesn't like. Honestly, this is from a mid 30's professional woman, I feel like I am back at school!!!

No, she doesn't trust you. She doesn't need to trust anyone else. She just needs to trust that even if someone else is attracted to you and even if someone else throws themselves at you, that you'll say no.

You say you love this woman yet have only spoke about her negatively. Isolating from friends & family is a common trait of an abuser. Is that the only trait she has or others? What I'm getting at is: do you really love her as a whole or are you in love with the version of her she projected to lure you in?

Whats the time line here? How long have you been broken up and how much contact have you had since then? Sometimes you need a few weeks completely void of their influence to see things as they are.

Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with this sort of drama? In my experience, people reach emotional maturity around 25 - maybe 30 at a push. Beyond that, changes are usually minor save for some traumatic or life altering event.

Runningfast

Just to give some additional information.

About a year ago she contacted this friend and told them to basically back off and get out of my life. My friend contacted me to ask what it was about and of course I told them not to back off because they weren't doing anything wrong. This is a friend not an ex, not a love interest even this friends partner was confused by it all.

My ex also has male mates who she hangs out with (even during the relationship) but apparently that is different...How I don't know!! She kissed her long standing male mate since we split up so when I questioned if she would be giving up his friendship if I asked (to try show the hypocrisy in her attitude, I would never ask her to drop anyone she feels is a friend etc). she said no because they are mates and it is different to the friendship I have. I'm lost with that one because I have never kissed any mate of mine!!!!

She also doesn't want a partner who is comfortable with her having male friends but wouldn't give them up because 'I trust her' but she doesn't trust me. Quotes the example of me telling my friend that they didn't need to get out of my life as proof of putting them ahead of her. I wasn't that at all I m just not in to pushing away people I consider a friend for no real reason.

The whole relationship was based on one rule for her an ever changing set of rules for me. I could never do anything right. Her and her mate set me rules about interacting with mates and foolishly I stuck to it to show that she could trust me, problem is the rules have now changed again to a place I can't accept. Not sure where it would stop, ultimatums to me have no place in a relationship what happens next if she doesn't like the fact I work with women in an office do I have to leave my job??

It's just school yard crazy bullsh**

Sea_Shell

If she's currently your ex, keep it that way. Move on. Don't give the situation any more headspace.

Mojisola

Runningfast wrote: »

The whole relationship was based on one rule for her an ever changing set of rules for me. I could never do anything right.

So why are you having any contact with her, let alone thinking of getting back into a relationship?

spadoosh

I made it very clear to my now wife very early on that i will never react well to an ultimatum. Im all for having grown up discussions and airing our grievances of each other but the moment someone turns around and says 'its me or.....' they lose.

Its a simple argument. I want both, i feel i can have both, if they dont like it, its their problem and their choice. Nothing to do with me deciding, my choice is 'you and xyz'. Your choice is 'xyz or me'. So no, you decide what you want.

I think most relationships have what could be considered unreasonable demands within that relationship (personal sacrifice for mutual benefit kind of thing). They key is both complying with those demands. If youre a couple that is down for playing away, its not a problem if both parties are happy with the arrangement. Its only when unreasonable demands apply to one party in the relationship that issues are caused.

Pollycat

Do you want to live your life dealing with ultimatums?
Do you want to cut your friend out of your life because your ex insists you do?

If the answer to either question is 'no', run for the hills.
You are right about childish and school yard boll**cks.
Do you really want to play this game for the next 40+ years?