Debt, debt and more debt.

MalMonroe

Hello. You sound as if you need a break. But also some therapy. And I don't mean CBT, which isn't really effective when people are depressed. 

Your daughter is 13, the worst age. Try not to be too angry with your kids, or stop speaking to them if they do something you feel is wrong. I'm also a single parent and it's a big responsibility but your children need you and to know that they can talk to you too if they feel scared or worried. Which kids do when their parents split because it doesn't just affect the couple, it affects everyone. I know it's been a while but your daughter has been acting out because of puberty and also she's obviously wanting your attention but you can't give it because you're feeling depressed. Like when you went out walking every day. Couldn't she have gone with you a couple of times so you could have had a chat?  It's not surprising that she laps up the attention from your mum and dad, it's what she's craving - and it isn't abnormal or wrong. 

You're an adult woman with children of your own now, why is it so important for you to have your parents' approval? What does it matter if they phone around all the family telling tales about you? Or that your mother's ashamed of you because you left your marriage? So what? That says more about them than you, and it's not good. If you don't like the way your parents are with you and your children, why do you keep going there so much? It doesn't make sense. Before your mother had a chance to actually make that bacon sandwich, you could have told your daughter it's rude to ask, you have plans to eat at home, and left. Especially after the way your mother acted. Although the fact that she snapped and you cried indicates that you're tired and depressed and need help. You're not the only one who's suffering from your understandable depression though, your children are as well. You need to get some help, very soon.

Obviously you can just ignore me at will but I have been through similar things and have managed to come out the other side. A bit battered and bruised, maybe but my daughter is now an adult and we have a really good relationship. It has not always been smooth sailing but we can talk about anything and we do argue, of course but we can always talk things through. I don't think we'd have been half as close had her dad and I stayed together though. Weird.

Chrystal

Hi Emma
Sorry things are so upsetting at the moment.  
There is help to be had and getting it is a sign of strength not weakness, so if you haven't already then I think you need to make an urgent Drs appointment so that you can get help with the depression and also a sick note to cover your NI contributions.  
The other thing I would say is, Pick Your Battles.  You know the situation (Mam siding with DD)  so why did you intervene when DD asked your Mam for the sandwich?  If she didn't want to make it she's perfectly capable of saying so and without you getting the blame for it. As for her tea you could just have plated it up and let her reheat it when she wanted it.  Her choice, but without a great big arguement/upset, which does no one any good. 
DD is at an extremely difficult stage at 13, with hormones and brain chemistry being all over the place, so she, as well as you, is going through a very difficult period in her life, and she doesn't think like an adult because she is only a child.   BUT she is certainly old enough to be responsible for washing the dishes up!   
Is it possible to sit with the kids and have a discussion about how you are feeling and that you need some help from them? maybe make a list of what their chores are?  DD may be anxious when you are out that you aren't going to come back. (her life has also been turned upside down)  So ask her not to ring you, but that you'll phone after 1/2 an hour and tell her when you're due back.  Maybe she could have a cup of tea/coffee ready for you coming in.
You can sort this out, but you need medical help with the depression, and a little bit of thought about what is worth arguing about.  Sometimes a simple explanation deals with things.  ((((Hugs)))) XX

janb5

Hi Emma.  I wouldnt order food from Tesco at your daughter's request that coulldnt be reheated...you cannot be catering for different tastes at such an expensive time.
I agree with you re avoiding your Mum and being very firm with your daughter about family rules...your family rules.
She is kicking at the traces and being a mini despot!

Suffolk_lass

It seems to me that like all children (and at 13, she is a child), your daughter is testing the boundaries and seeing what she can get away with. The conversation should be about having and supporting each other, not competing or controlling (and it isn't a once-only thing). I would be teaching her how to cook and clean ready for when she is older so she has those skills in her armoury, and in that way, she will understand she is not a princess and needs to muck in and contribute. No more shopping to order - in fact, get her to meal-plan with you, to your new reduced budget. A couple of treats could be negotiated so it is not just a chore.

In terms of your Mother it is up to you but I have recently explained to my Mum how something she said upset me and over the years she has undermined my self esteem. She does not know she does it and does not understand the impact unless you explain it as, like yours, she is self absorbed and makes it about her. Since yours said she finds you annoying I would be writing to explain why I won't be annoying her for a while and suggest she contacts you when she thinks she is ready for your company, or wants your daughter to go and see her. She isn't the person you should be confiding in as she is a taker. And contact your family and friends yourself so they know you are separated, maybe even confide to one or two, elements (different, not all) of why you had to. Your Mother's attitude will be in the minority so break it down.

You do need someone to talk to. If you have friends who confide in you, consider confiding back to one but be prepared to lose that friend over time - an acquaintance might be better.  Prepare the way by saying you would really like a friendly ear, not a solution (you know what you need to do, you need to let some of the pressure valve go!) - "I really need to tell someone", not "what shall I do?". It is less pressure and I think you need support more than advice.

With regards to the man you walked with, it sounds to me as though he has been honest and open, not undermined your trust. If you think he will push for a relationship you could explain why not and give him that opportunity to see how it goes. Stopping something you enjoyed seems a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face (as Granny used to say!) but there may be other things not on here. 

Naomim

Hi Emma,
Sorry you are having a bad time of it at the moment.  It sounds as if your Mum is quite toxic. It's a nasty thing to say you are irritating but useful.  I agree with other posters, and just step back a bit.  Could you parents have DD for a weekend to give you both some breathing space?  I love my kids but being cooped up with them for 6 months is enough to drive anyone up the wall. It does sound like DD is treating you like a doormat and unfortunately you are going to have to stand up to her or she will continue.  Having said that my DS is 15 and an angel and DD is 10 and already rules the roost so I'm dreading her teenage years.  Do you give her pocket money? Does she have to earn any of it at all?   

Please also don't feel ashamed that your marriage failed... because it wasn't your fault he was a tw*t. As much as I think you need some adult company and conversation, it doesn't mean you should fall into another relationship.  Is there a local dog walkers group you could join at all, or a book club or craft group (if that's the sort of thing you like to do hobby wise).  Have you joined twitter? It's a bit like shouting into the ether but every now and then there's a gem out there.  I joined to have a safe place to talk about stuff where no-one knew me rather than on FB where I have to monitor everything I write.

I hope you find some peace.

Naomim

Kitten868

You do not sound bad at all for getting cabin fever getting stuck in with a 13 year old. Plus it would be better for her for her to be at school. You always do well with your communication with her. You've been so patient and understanding to her adjusting to your new life and now rona. Always remember kids take out all their carp on the person they know loves them unconditionally. I have to remind myself of that one all the time when I hear about what angels they've been for everyone else. 
I haven't forgotten the state-wide search party either. You've got this. Keep establishing your boundaries. You're amazing. And you can always moan on here xxx

Kitten868

Red flags already can't be good. I wouldn't respond to him again. Jeez! 

Really glad you had a heart to heart with your daughter xxx

wh_em

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough time at the moment, I do hope things improve for you x

[Deleted User]

I've been on a big walk tonight with my brother in Law and the dog. Stopped for half a shandy and then walked back. We did 8km and now the dog won't moved off the end of my bed. 
I've been looking after my friend's dog for a few days and he is very hard work. I was pleased when he went home last night. He cries all the time. Cries if I go to the toilet and leave him, cries if I'm making tea. He is ever so needy. He wouldn't sleep on his own (whimpering) and so I had to put him at the end of the bed between my legs. He went home last night snd it's nice to have my personal space back. 
I've been charity shopping today and got some lovely bargains, all brand new.  
1 pair of boots RRP £119- I paid £2.50
1 pair of boots RRP £59.99- I paid £3
1 pair of Nike Trainers RRP £54.99- I paid £5. 
I don't buy from full price shops now. I have expensive taste and a shoestring budget! 
Had an unexpected message tonight . It said 'I miss you'. It was from the husband. I messaged back and said 'was that meant for me'? He said it was. I can't work it out. I'm not sure if he has run out of money or his social life has dried up now that all the work events have stopped or both. I spoke to my brother in law about it and he said that he should have been more careful about what he wished for.
I've touched on it on here but it's been a really difficult 12 months. I've spent many nights weeping myself to sleep and I've had to watch him parade various women on his social media. I can't go through all that to then go back. Had it been 10 month ago then I may have been more vulnerable and have been sucked back in but I'm in a stronger position now and don't feel like that. 
He was living his best life, holidays abroad and loads of nights out and now he wants me back.
Not sure how that works or if he should even be saying that to me. 
Anyway, happy Friday. Have a lovely weekend 

Humdinger1

Emma 

Just delurking to say how much I admire you, and how well you are doing.   During lockdown,  my 16 year old daughter spent alt weeks between me and her father; it gave us all much needed space though I did feel guilty at first admitting it even to myself.   Teenagers are almost universally hard work.  Agree re picking battles,and getting some help; it is indeed a sign of strength.  You have so much self awareness and are doing a fine job of getting the debt down and life together while the world is in such a state.  Well done too on not getting sucked in by your ex, you really don't need any more chaos merchants, do you?! Love Humdinger x