Want a sleepover but bf won't allow it?

Pollycat

Exodi wrote: »

I don't know if you're deliberately misinterpreting what has been said, but both of these statements (as far as I've seen) were unrelated to the OP and were used in debate on various scenarios. No-one has implied these are the OP's circumstances (ironically except you I guess).

I'm not misinterpreting - deliberately or not deliberately - what has been said.
But I do tend to read posts quite carefully.

My point was that someone could skim read a post and mistakenly think 'OMG!. The OP is staying in a house with 6 blokes'.
Which may or may not be the case.
But that's just my opinion and you are free to hold an alternative opinion.

Exodi wrote: »

I'm also finding it heavily misleading that you and NeilCr are pushing your points across as if they are fact. You've said yourself you're a pensioner with 35 years with your partner - obviously it wouldn't raise any bells if your husband wanted to see an old friend.

I regret that you feel it 'heavily misleading' that NeilCr and I are 'pushing (y)our points across as if they are fact'.
I can't speak for NeilCr but I tend to just respond to posts based on what is said and what my opinion is on the subject.
Even though I an a pensioner, I didn't think it precluded me posting my opinion on a subject.
Do you really think it does?
Am I so out of touch?
Here's a hint - no, I'm not.

Exodi wrote: »

We're talking about an OP (that comes across as quite young I might add) and her 'boyfriend'. To outright suggest the boyfriend is the person with the problem is lazy at best (and you know what I personally think it is at worst).

I really don't agree that my suggestion 'that the boyfriend is the person with the problem is lazy at best'.
I assure you that I thought abut my response before posting.
To suggest it is 'lazy' is rude.
Not to mention downright wrong.

Exodi wrote: »

If I was younger and had a new-ish girlfriend who asked whether I'd have a problem with them sleeping round their guy friends house - of course I'd say I would! If she suggested this was unfair and quizzed why I have a problem, I'd tell her to step outside into the real world. You can argue the logistics of trust until the cows come home (though I'm not sure how much we can apply this to the OP's relationship - the're not married) but I'd wager if the OP did say she was going, the boyfriend would be able to hear the chorus of high-fives and laughter from his work.

And if I was younger and had a new-ish boyfriend who asked whether I'd have a problem with them sleeping round their girl friends' house - of course I'd say I wouldn't!
That's based on the fact that this imagined new-ish boyfriend's female friends are old friends.

You can argue the logistics of mistrust until the cows come home but I happen to believe in trusting someone until they prove untrustworthy.
Of course, you are free to hold an alternative opinion.

Exodi wrote: »

It's a pity you and NeilCr are unable to see why the boyfriend may have cause to be upset in this as I can get behind both your stances of why there wouldn't be an issue in your circumstances but I'm finding it truly bizarre the OP is being encouraged to have a go at the boyfriend about being uncomfortable with this.

I regret that you think it's a pity that NeilCr and I are unable to see why the boyfriend may have cause to be upset in this but I assure you my stance is not purely based on my long-standing current relationship.
I can't speak for NeilCr but for me, there's some experience of being on the wrong end of a controlling partner.
I can see this as being the thin end of the wedge.

I really don't think I'm encouraging the OP to do anything.

I have asked the OP a number of questions.
Is that what you mean about encouraging the OP to have a go at the boyfriend about being uncomfortable with this?
Now, that is bizarre.
In my opinion.

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm not misinterpreting - deliberately or not deliberately - what has been said.
But I do tend to read posts quite carefully.

My point was that someone could skim read a post and mistakenly think 'OMG!. The OP is staying in a house with 6 blokes'.
Which may or may not be the case.
But that's just my opinion and you are free to hold an alternative opinion.


I regret that you feel it 'heavily misleading' that NeilCr and I are 'pushing (y)our points across as if they are fact'.
I can't speak for NeilCr but I tend to just respond to posts based on what is said and what my opinion is on the subject.
Even though I an a pensioner, I didn't think it precluded me posting my opinion on a subject.
Do you really think it does?
Am I so out of touch?
Here's a hint - no, I'm not.



I really don't agree that my suggestion 'that the boyfriend is the person with the problem is lazy at best'.
I assure you that I thought abut my response before posting.
To suggest it is 'lazy' is rude.
Not to mention downright wrong.


And if I was younger and had a new-ish boyfriend who asked whether I'd have a problem with them sleeping round their girl friends' house - of course I'd say I wouldn't!
That's based on the fact that this imagined new-ish boyfriend's female friends are old friends.

You can argue the logistics of mistrust until the cows come home but I happen to believe in trusting someone until they prove untrustworthy.
Of course, you are free to hold an alternative opinion.


I regret that you think it's a pity that NeilCr and I are unable to see why the boyfriend may have cause to be upset in this but I assure you my stance is not purely based on my long-standing current relationship.
I can't speak for NeilCr but for me, there's some experience of being on the wrong end of a controlling partner.
I can see this as being the thin end of the wedge.

I really don't think I'm encouraging the OP to do anything.

I have asked the OP a number of questions.
Is that what you mean about encouraging the OP to have a go at the boyfriend about being uncomfortable with this?
Now, that is bizarre.
In my opinion.

Well, quite.

I am older too but I do speak from experience of having lived with a controlling partner. And having a lot of younger friends (especially, women) who I tend to chat to quite a lot about relationships, the world, football, etc. So I am not coming at this from "just my own viewpoint"l As Pollycat I just respond to threads here (on this forum anyway) as I feel. On other forums on MSE I answer factually because I've spent a lot of time volunteering with various organisations which gives me the background.

I've said, clearly, that OP needs to talk to her partner. But, I, also, very strongly feel (having seen a few of them) that you do want to look out for the signs of a controlling partner. And I stand by my view that this is a "possibility" here.

So a couple of questions for Exodi

What's your experience of controlling relationships

and

This is the one you seem to be trying to avoid. What would be your actual issue if you were the OP's partner. Not in your relationship now........

It does seem a pity that Exodi is so keen to dismiss the views of pensioners. Pollycat - shall we just retire to a nursing home somewhere and sit there quietly listening to Val Doonican and never darkening the doors of an internet discussion ever again

:D:D:beer::beer::beer:

Comms69

NeilCr wrote: »

Well, quite.

I am older too but I do speak from experience of having lived with a controlling partner. And having a lot of younger friends (especially, women) who I tend to chat to quite a lot about relationships, the world, football, etc. So I am not coming at this from "just my own viewpoint"

I've said, clearly, that OP needs to talk to her partner. But, I, also, very strongly feel (having seen a few of them) that you do want to look out for the signs of a controlling partner. And I stand by my view that this is a "possibility" here.

So a couple of questions for Exodi

What's your experience of controlling relationships

and

This is the one you seem to be trying to avoid. What would be your actual issue if you were the OP's partner. Not in your relationship now........

It does seem a pity that Exodi is so keen to dismiss the views of pensioners. Pollycat - shall we just retire to a nursing home somewhere and sit there quietly listening to Val Doonican and never darkening the doors of an internet discussion ever again

:D:D:beer::beer::beer:

I think it's fair to say that the way people view the world differs by age. If you're expecting a 20 something year old to view it the same way you do now, given your ample years of years - is that really fair? Does the OP and her BF not have the right o make mistakes, learn from experience?


Perhaps this is a test of the strength of the relationship. 35 years can add a lot of weight to the trust aspect, compared to what might be 6 months.


I'm sure we can agree trust is not automatic.

NeilCr

Comms69 wrote: »

I think it's fair to say that the way people view the world differs by age. If you're expecting a 20 something year old to view it the same way you do now, given your ample years of years - is that really fair? Does the OP and her BF not have the right o make mistakes, learn from experience?


Perhaps this is a test of the strength of the relationship. 35 years can add a lot of weight to the trust aspect, compared to what might be 6 months.


I'm sure we can agree trust is not automatic.

Different people of different ages will have different views on everything. I doubt that all 20 year olds hold exactly the same view - nor 40 year olds - nor 60 year olds. I don't expect anyone to agree with me - but I do have the right to express my views (and explain them).

Personally, I haven't been in my current relationship for 35 years. And before this one I had three short term relationships of 6 months or less (including one where I was cheated on - quite badly, too). So I am not posting from some kind of "comfort zone"

I don't think trust is automatic. But, I am with Pollycat. I start with trust and see how it goes. Some people, it seems, start with distrust. I know which I think is the healthiest.

I am sure we can agree that jealousy is the most destructive of emotions.

Comms69

NeilCr wrote: »

Different people of different ages will have different views on everything. I doubt that all 20 year olds hold exactly the same view - nor 40 year olds - nor 60 year olds. I don't expect anyone to agree with me - but I do have the right to express my views (and explain them).

Personally, I haven't been in my current relationship for 35 years. And before this one I had three short term relationships of 6 months or less (including one where I was cheated on - quite badly, too). So I am not posting from some kind of "comfort zone"

I don't think trust is automatic. But, I am with Pollycat. I start with trust and see how it goes. Some people, it seems, start with distrust. I know which I think is the healthiest.

I am sure we can agree that jealousy is the most destructive of emotions.

Well it's certainly not the best. But a small amount of jealousy is a good thing. I sometimes get jealous, and it's a reminder of how much I want to keep my partner happy.