Want a sleepover but bf won't allow it?

Pollycat

Helpmeforum wrote: »

@Pollycat if he wasn't working then yeah he would've come and as for trust he keeps saying it's them he doesn't trust but not sure how true that is.

So if he trusts you but not your friends, is he saying that you're not strong enough to say 'no' and mean 'no' to any sexual overtures or is he saying that your friends are capable of forcing you to have sex with them against your will?

Either way, his opinion of you sounds pretty poor.

suki1964

Pollycat wrote: »

So if he trusts you but not your friends, is he saying that you're not strong enough to say 'no' and mean 'no' to any sexual overtures or is he saying that your friends are capable of forcing you to have sex with them against your will?

Either way, his opinion of you sounds pretty poor.

Or else he thinks all men are rapists ( which is really being said ) :eek:

Sorry but Id go and enjoy myself. If hes a little hitler now, imagine down the line


A sleepover it's not. Its staying in a house share where all the tenants happen to be male, and you are a female


If you love him and think your life ahead includes him, and you know these are friends only, go for it

Any doubt about sleeping arrangements , stay home

As an old girl, listen to advice sure, but never allow anyone to dictate

Les79

Pollycat wrote: »

So if he trusts you but not your friends, is he saying that you're not strong enough to say 'no' and mean 'no' to any sexual overtures or is he saying that your friends are capable of forcing you to have sex with them against your will?

Either way, his opinion of you sounds pretty poor.

Maybe OP's friends ARE capable of raping ("forcing you to have sex with them against your will"; easier if you shorten it) her?

Pollycat

Les79 wrote: »

Maybe OP's friends ARE capable of raping ("forcing you to have sex with them against your will"; easier if you shorten it) her?

And maybe they're not
And it's all some niggly worm in the OP's boyfriend's head.

You don't know the OP's friends and neither do I.
But we do know he says he trusts her but not them.
Maybe the OP would like to comment on whether her boyfriend is right that her friends are not to be trusted.

elsien

Comms69 wrote: »

And my answer is "I trust you, I don't know these 6 guys though..."


I'm sorry you have a relationship where any question you ask is thrown back at you in a gaslighting manner...

You don't have to know them if you trust your partner. Your partner can make their own judgement about how the evening is likely to go, and decide to go or stay accordingly.
It's that simple.

Les79

Pollycat wrote: »

And maybe they're not
And it's all some niggly worm in the OP's boyfriend's head.

Well, what is the definition of "niggly worm"? Feel that such a phrase could be trivialising a larger issue here....

You don't know the OP's friends and neither do I.

Indeed! But that's the inherent danger when it comes to rape; the fact that you may not know what people are/aren't capable of doing. So you and I should be on an equal footing here in being a bit on the fence, even though rape is admittedly a very small posibility in the bigger picture.

But we do know he says he trusts her but not them.
Maybe the OP would like to comment on whether her boyfriend is right that her friends are not to be trusted.

I think such a reply would be biased. To be fair, if OP were to say "they are ok" there's certainly a lot of stock in that, but it could still happen.

Marvel1

I trusted my ex even though she told me her history.

Pollycat

Les79 wrote: »

Well, what is the definition of "niggly worm"? Feel that such a phrase could be trivialising a larger issue here....

Well, I see it as something in the OP's boyfriend head that he feels he doesn't want her (or 'won't allow' her) to go off to some event with friends that she has known longer than she's known him.
I think the 'larger issue' here is that he doesn't actually trust her.
But it's easier for him to put it down to her friends.

Les79 wrote: »

Indeed! But that's the inherent danger when it comes to rape; the fact that you may not know what people are/aren't capable of doing. So you and I should be on an equal footing here in being a bit on the fence, even though rape is admittedly a very small posibility in the bigger picture.

Maybe the OP could come back and tell us how long she's known these friends.
And how long she's known her boyfriend and how long she's been in a relationship with him.

I'm not really on the fence here.
I'm just pointing out that by saying he trusts the OP but not her friends he's saying something pretty nasty about them.
I don't know if he's justified in that.
Maybe he just wants to sow seeds of doubt in her head about these long standing friends.


Maybe the OP would like to come back and comment.

I'm not the one saying the friends aren't to be trusted.

Les79 wrote: »

I think such a reply would be biased. To be fair, if OP were to say "they are ok" there's certainly a lot of stock in that, but it could still happen.

I think the OP would know her friends.

I think the thing that you say 'could still happen' is in the OP's boyfriend's head.

Money_maker

Exodi wrote: »

@Pollycat I'll agree that it's difficult to say as we do not understand the relationship dynamic of the couple. In your circumstances I can see why it would not be an issue.



And this is why I originally took issue earlier in this thread.

How are you to know that one of the people at the sleepover isn't an ex? The OP has a history of cheating? The relationship is still quite new and the trust hasn't been developed yet?

This stance of 'the boyfriend can't tell you what to do!' is not only heavily generalising and impractical (as I said earlier) but I also feel its sexist as I suspect this thread would have followed a different course if it had been a man asking.

It becomes tiresome to post on these forums when there is such heavy bias based on the responders' gender. But I'm sure you'll be quick to inform me that you would have responded in exactly the same way if this was a male poster asking why his girlfriend has a problem with him sleeping round some girls house?

EDIT:


This.

If it's an ex then this is the time to extend some trust. She either will cheat or she wont cheat. Keeping her away from anything male that he thinks is better than him is no way to have a relationship. As I said, being with someone who stops her spending time with her friends is wrong. The OP should do what she wants to and bf will either have to learn to trust or go do one.

Comms69

Money_maker wrote: »

If it's an ex then this is the time to extend some trust. She either will cheat or she wont cheat. Keeping her away from anything male that he thinks is better than him is no way to have a relationship. As I said, being with someone who stops her spending time with her friends is wrong. The OP should do what she wants to and bf will either have to learn to trust or go do one.

but that's the point - is this visit to friends worth more than the relationship, and if so, perhaps the BF was right to be concerned.