Want a sleepover but bf won't allow it?

Pollycat

Comms69 wrote: »

but that's the point - is this visit to friends worth more than the relationship, and if so, perhaps the BF was right to be concerned.

I don't see why.

If the boyfriend is saying (and we don't know that he is) if you go, it's over' then that is a pretty poor basis for a relationship as ultimatums are never the answer.

I don't see it as simple as 'which is worth more? Relationship or friends?' but more an attempt to control the OP.

From what the OP has said, I can't see any reason for her not to go to stay with very old friends.
It sounds to me like the boyfriend is saying 'I can't go so I don't want you to go either'.

It's a pity the OP worded her initial post so badly as I think the responses may have been different if she'd explained the situation better.

Money_maker wrote: »

If it's an ex then this is the time to extend some trust.

I don't think the OP has said that any of these old friends are ex boyfriends.
There seems to be a lot of misinformation being posted on this thread.

Comms69

Pollycat wrote: »

I don't see why.

If the boyfriend is saying (and we don't know that he is) if you go, it's over' then that is a pretty poor basis for a relationship as ultimatums are never the answer.

I don't see it as simple as 'which is worth more? Relationship or friends?' but more an attempt to control the OP.

From what the OP has said, I can't see any reason for her not to go to stay with very old friends.
It sounds to me like the boyfriend is saying 'I can't go so I don't want you to go either'.

It's a pity the OP worded her initial post so badly as I think the responses may have been different if she'd explained the situation better.



I don't think the OP has said that any of these old friends are ex boyfriends.
There seems to be a lot of misinformation being posted on this thread.

And equally if your partner says that doing 'x' would upset them, and you do it anyway - what's that?

Marisco

Will any other women be there, or the partners of her friends?

NBLondon

Pollycat wrote: »

It's a pity the OP worded her initial post so badly as I think the responses may have been different if she'd explained the situation better.

Yep - it came across as either a troll or somewhat immature on both sides.

I don't think the OP has said that any of these old friends are ex boyfriends.
There seems to be a lot of misinformation being posted on this thread.

A lot of people are interpolating in the gaps that the OP left.

Possibly these are old friends from school or college or something and the relationship is much newer so the boyfriend doesn't know them or know them well. Which is a different situation from those of us in longer-established relationships or at a different life stage.

What you might need to do, helpmeforum, is find out why your boyfriend is so against this visit and decide what you can do to allay his fears, suspicions or whatever. If it really looks like he is just trying to control you for the sake of it - then maybe that is a clue to rethink that relationship.

NeilCr

Comms69 wrote: »

And equally if your partner says that doing 'x' would upset them, and you do it anyway - what's that?

Depends on whether or not it is reasonable for the partner to be upset. From my own bitter experience there are those who realise that if "being upset" stops the partner doing something it gets extended to other things. Just another form of control.

It needs adult discussion and communication. As has been said by NBLondon OP needs to understand what the actual issue is for her boyfriend and talk it through

ETA.

I do wonder if we are going back to some folks not really believing that it is possible to be "just" friends with someone of the other sex. Not necessarily you, Comms. General comment

Ciara_erin

Hi I wouldn’t just due to taking my partner into consideration.
A sleep over with a load ov lads 😂😂 lads are lads they think the worst straight away

Pollycat

Comms69 wrote: »

And equally if your partner says that doing 'x' would upset them, and you do it anyway - what's that?

It's certainly not an ultimatum.
It's a choice that you act upon.

Based on whether you think your partner is being reasonable about whatever it is.

Pollycat

NBLondon wrote: »

A lot of people are interpolating in the gaps that the OP left.

Indeed.

We've even had mention of '6 adult men living together in one house' when the OP has never mentioned numbers. :cool:

Exodi

Pollycat wrote: »

Indeed.

We've even had mention of '6 adult men living together in one house' when the OP has never mentioned numbers. :cool:

Pollycat wrote: »

I don't think the OP has said that any of these old friends are ex boyfriends.
There seems to be a lot of misinformation being posted on this thread.

I don't know if you're deliberately misinterpreting what has been said, but both of these statements (as far as I've seen) were unrelated to the OP and were used in debate on various scenarios. No-one has implied these are the OP's circumstances (ironically except you I guess).

I'm also finding it heavily misleading that you and NeilCr are pushing your points across as if they are fact. You've said yourself you're a pensioner with 35 years with your partner - obviously it wouldn't raise any bells if your husband wanted to see an old friend.

We're talking about an OP (that comes across as quite young I might add) and her 'boyfriend'. To outright suggest the boyfriend is the person with the problem is lazy at best (and you know what I personally think it is at worst).

If I was younger and had a new-ish girlfriend who asked whether I'd have a problem with them sleeping round their guy friends house - of course I'd say I would! If she suggested this was unfair and quizzed why I have a problem, I'd tell her to step outside into the real world. You can argue the logistics of trust until the cows come home (though I'm not sure how much we can apply this to the OP's relationship - the're not married) but I'd wager if the OP did say she was going, the boyfriend would be able to hear the chorus of high-fives and laughter from his work.

It's a pity you and NeilCr are unable to see why the boyfriend may have cause to be upset in this as I can get behind both your stances of why there wouldn't be an issue in your circumstances but I'm finding it truly bizarre the OP is being encouraged to have a go at the boyfriend about being uncomfortable with this.

Ciara_erin wrote: »

Hi I wouldn’t just due to taking my partner into consideration.
A sleep over with a load ov lads ���� lads are lads they think the worst straight away

I would imagine that's the wider younger consensus. But you need to be careful posting that view here, else people will start inferring that you think males are rapists and you should be entitled to do whatever you want irrespective of your partners emotions.

Comms69

NeilCr wrote: »

Depends on whether or not it is reasonable for the partner to be upset. From my own bitter experience there are those who realise that if "being upset" stops the partner doing something it gets extended to other things. Just another form of control.

It needs adult discussion and communication. As has been said by NBLondon OP needs to understand what the actual issue is for her boyfriend and talk it through

ETA.

I do wonder if we are going back to some folks not really believing that it is possible to be "just" friends with someone of the other sex. Not necessarily you, Comms. General comment

Is it right to judge someone’s feelings against a subjective reasonableness test.

This is a great example on this thread.

We have a camp which days it’s reasonable to be upset at the situation - and we judge that against our own subjective test.

And a camp which says it’s reasonable to do for oneself; again using a subjective test.

Neither is right or wrong; we simply share our own views. Ultimately I agree it’s about communication and accepting we do things which will upset someone- ourselves or our partners or our friends.

I actually do think it’s possible. I have female friends who I have no interest in; and who I assume have no interest in me. We’re that not to be the case - is one sided feelings, I would understand my partners hesitation; or vice versa. I know you said you had no issue with your partner visiting and old friend who clearly wanted more, but I would. I’m open about that. I would accept ( and expect ) my partner to do likewise. Reasonable amounts of jealousy are good- in my opinion anyway.