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Finances causing issues in Relationship

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Hi All,


I'm new to the site and would like people's honest opinions on my situation. My partner and me have been together for nearly 5 years now and sold our existing seperate houses and bought one together 18 months ago. My partner has 2 teenage children who live with us and receives nothing from their father while I have never had childern of my own.



I do earn considerably more money than my partner, we both pay equal to the mortgage and food shopping while I pay all the others bills and will contribute to things the children also need. The two of us also eat out once a week most weeks and again I pick up the tab which is not a problem.



My partner is still saying i dont contribute enough and i do admit I am careful with my money (it is rare that I buy anything extravagent for myself, etc.) . She works hard for a low wage and is good Mum and I try my best but due to our family situation I feel i am putting enough in and if there are any emergencies, or anything in the house breaks, etc again I dont mind picking up the tab.



There are months when I have been going into the red myself and my partner said I should be spending the savings i have been putting away for the last 20 years which I am unwilling to do as this is my/our nest egg for the future.


It has got to the point now where we are always at each others throats over the situation to the point our relationship is breaking down (although there are other factors but this is the main one) and there is a very strong possibility we will be spliting up - if it isn't too late already and going our seperate ways.


I love my partner very much but there is so much misery in our home at the moment that it is unbearable and the general concensus is that it is all my fault. Do you guys think i should step up and pay more into the household or am i paying enough?
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Comments

  • BrassicWoman
    BrassicWoman Posts: 3,206 Forumite
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    Do you guys think i should step up and pay more into the household or am i paying enough?


    Some of us will say yes and some of us will say no.


    And it doesn't matter what any of us think; only you and your partner.
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  • pjcox2005
    pjcox2005 Posts: 1,015 Forumite
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    Hard to say, as we don't know the full details.


    I would suggest that having the commitment to move in together and buy one house, would normally mean combining income and expenses so that it's all joint but I appreciate others adopt different methods.


    Unless you have significiant savings I wouldn't be touching them for every day expenses (i'm assuming from the post that you've both seem to have gone into the red recently) but would for one off purchases/long term points like new boiler, car etc.


    Given your penultimate paragraph it maybe best not to combine now if you think you'll be splitting up, but I would say having a joint account with all income and expenses, and an open conversation around the budget will mean it's a joint issue rather than yours (keep savings seperate). That way you decide together what the money is going on and she can appreciate the situation that if you overspend in one area something will have to give in another.


    Hope you can work it out.
  • charlie3090
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    I will probably get shot down for this but,

    in my opinion I think that you are paying enough, you are both paying half each for the mortgage, fair enough, you pay half food shopping, in the cold light of day there are 3 of them, 1 of you.

    You pay all the other bills,again fine as you are the higher earner.

    You contribute to things the kids need,yes you should as they are part of a package but their father should be contributing too.

    I am surprised you did not discuss this before you bought the house together, your partner probaly feels resentful that you have money squirreled away and feels that you should be spending on the family.

    You should not be going into the red if you have savings,that will cost you money.

    I think a frank and honest discussion is needed,resentment builds very easily ,tell them how you feel and why you keep saving etc.

    I hope you can sort this out, wishing you all the best.

    Charlie.
    ps Im female,so not a male viewpoint.
  • scubadrummer
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    Thanks for the replies everyone. Charlie you are right we didnt really discuss it before moving in but i did know I would have to step up a bit but didnt realise it was so much. I to hope we can sort it out.
  • Happier_Me
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    Have you created a household statement of affairs - a budget that tracks all money in and out? This may help one or both of you see if there is any unfairness in the split of costs based on income. It will also help identify differences in your attitudes to money - you sound like a saver (as am I), maybe your partner isn't or was hoping that financially there would be more slack now you've moved in ogether.

    Personally I think you should have the same spends after all bills each and then pay for entertainment (your meals out for instance) from your spends pot. But you also need to have an honest discussion about how much you contribute to your partners children and how any child maintenance is treated from an income point of view.

    You can only save your relationship with honest and probably difficult discussion. You're both feeling hard done by, what you need to do is work together to find a compromise that works for you both. That will involve putting yourselves in each others shoes so you can appreciate what's driving the others feelings on this.
  • cheeky-peach
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    Has your partner said how much they wish for you to contribute in total? What is their expectation?
  • SuperPikachu
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    It sounds a bit like you are being mugged off. I'd have to agree with the people saying a chat is in order!

    You are paying 50% already, plus the meals out, plus helping towards some kids that aren't even yours and you are still being expected to front more money? That would ring alarm bells for me.
  • caprikid1
    caprikid1 Posts: 2,155 Forumite
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    Without going into the details can you at least tell us the difference between your annual salaries and whether you are a higher rate tax payer. One perception of considerably more is different to the next.


    I do feel for a lot of single women with Children who get little support from the childrens father. It can make it more difficult to create another family unit as the government measure the new family unit income.


    There are many who would argue you knew what you were taking on. I think you need to sit down and map out all your spending together and work it though.
  • [Deleted User]
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    I think you are doing more than your bit tbh, you are being expected to subsidise someone else's kids, what efforts have been made to chase this father for contributions towards his own kids ? How can some women get it so wrong when choosing who fathers their children.


    IMO you should look after yourself and I would never have told her about other savings and she does seem to be using them as an argument to spend them without understanding they are security for later ,


    Its always too complicated financially when you take on an existing family without addressing finances before you move in together. It sounds like your partner expects you to take over as provider where the ex left off.


    Protect yourself in the event this goes pearshaped.
  • pinkshoes
    pinkshoes Posts: 20,138 Forumite
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    You need to sit down together and go through the finances and discuss a sensible long term plan.

    You sound sensible with money. She sounds a little reckless.

    Financial compatibility is so important in relationships, so if you cannot agree, then I would suggest seeing some sort of financial counsellor to help the two of you reach an agreement.
    Should've = Should HAVE (not 'of')
    Would've = Would HAVE (not 'of')

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