Finances causing issues in Relationship

foolofbeans

I would think that the financial issue has arisen because your girlfriend would have received substantial income from benefits while a single parent.
Since she is no longer a single parent her income has reduced to just her wages and if they are low then she will be struggling to afford what she used to and now there is an increase in the cost of the mortgage.
I can understand that it is hard to have to contribute to another mans children, particularly as the father is not doing so but you will need to find a way to sort the issue out as it is only going to get worse. As the children get older child benefit will stop, school transport is chargeable after the age of 16 and if the children go to university their student loan amount will be greatly reduced due to the fact that your household income is high. You will then be expected to subsidise the children while at university so there quite a few years of money issues ahead.

I hope you can come to a solution. It probably should have been sorted before you moved in together but if you can talk o each other in a neutral way it may be easy to be solved.

JIL

You have written that you both sold your properties and bought this one together.
Is there a reason you decided to do this, rather than you move in with her and rent yours out?
I ask as I suspect this must have involved a conversation about commitment and finances.
You always knew that when you got together she didn't come on her own.
Do the children see you as their mums boyfriend or do you have a relationship with them, ie as a step father?
I think you need to have a chat with her and see if you can come to an arrangement that suits both of you.
I think you very obviously love her and are a bit concerned she is taking advantage? She may be possibly be wondering why after buying the house together are you suddenly holding back?
The children won't be living with you for ever, and whilst they are you may be able to have a great relationship with them, which money can't buy.

Good luck.

Marvel1

SuperPikachu wrote: »

Food & bills? ...

Which he said he pays for the bills and contributes to the food shop.

I'm trying to think what essentials she pays on her own.

heartbreak_star

Any update, OP?

HBS x

scubadrummer

Hi All, so at the moment our house in now on the market and I am looking for a rental short term.



If i am honest I dont want this and have tried talking to her but she is not listening. I said we both need to put all our cards on the table and I am prepared to pay more if needed. The only issue is how much is 'more'? I still think some people on here dont really understand my situation. I currently pay all the bills so no sliding scale ( i havent got an issue with this now although i did at first). I pay for half the weekly shop (sometimes more and even prepared in the interim now to pay for it all so she can sort out her finances), i pay for one of the kids bus passes and also contribute half to Christmas and Birthdays which I have always done from day one and anything additional they need.



I do see the kids as my own to the point that if we do split I want to keep seeing them and help support them emotianally and financially.



We also eat out regularly (each week) which I always pay for so as you can see i do earn a fair bit but by the end of the month the bulk if not all has gone due to the 'hidden costs' that no one appears to see. I wouldnt mind but i constantly get 'you do nothing for me' which then always leads to me going on about the financial side and ends in a massive row.



The irony is she thinks I'm sitting on a huge pile of cash where all it is I am careful and trying to save so we all have a comfortable future. It is rare for me to buy anything for myself as I am not materialistic and would rather go for a walk in the countryside and enjoy a nice view, etc. I have even been told i am hard to buy presents for as I dont really need anything. All i worry about is frittering the savings away on things we dont need and then having nothing left in the future if i get that far lol although i do understand there is a balance with saving and spending as you cant take it with you. Just wish she would understand

[Deleted User]

TBH it seems like there could be more going on here than just financial issues. The ' you don't do anything for me ' what does she mean here ? You don't help around the house, fetch the kids to from school / activities etc etc. Maybe she is looking for more than just a financial contribution but feels you should pull your weight more in other areas.


The fact the house is actually on the market is a big step that perhaps there is no way back from. The next problem you'll have is the division of equity.


If you can't talk and hit some common ground I think the relationship has sailed and next time you find someone perhaps keep your savings quiet but be sure to discuss your joint attitudes to money.


Good luck

scubadrummer

BBH123 wrote: »

TBH it seems like there could be more going on here than just financial issues. The ' you don't do anything for me ' what does she mean here ? You don't help around the house, fetch the kids to from school / activities etc etc. Maybe she is looking for more than just a financial contribution but feels you should pull your weight more in other areas.


The fact the house is actually on the market is a big step that perhaps there is no way back from. The next problem you'll have is the division of equity.


If you can't talk and hit some common ground I think the relationship has sailed and next time you find someone perhaps keep your savings quiet but be sure to discuss your joint attitudes to money.


Good luck

Thats the thing, i do help out with the kids taking them places and collecting from school when needed, shopping, etc and do stuff round the house and all the stuff a normal family does. There are other issues but this is the biggie. I think we just have totally different views and outlooks on life.

[Deleted User]

If that is the case and it is insurmountable then sad as it is splitting is the probably the best choice.

System

Sounds like she'd be considerably worse off without you around. Perhaps she needs reminding of that. Men can be treated as a 'plough horse' by some BPD women - generally in these kind of cases, men are often expected to consume less than they provide (why the term plough horse is used). Has her attitude toward you changed since you first met? Sounds like you are just the provisioner here, not only to her but her children born from another man.

scubadrummer

andydownes123 wrote: »

Sounds like she'd be considerably worse off without you around. Perhaps she needs reminding of that. Men can be treated as a 'plough horse' by some BPD women - generally in these kind of cases, men are often expected to consume less than they provide (why the term plough horse is used). Has her attitude toward you changed since you first met? Sounds like you are just the provisioner here, not only to her but her children born from another man.

We used to be really happy and it has all changed since living together. I just get told I'm a Family Man now and should soak it up lol and I earn more so should put more in etc. I dont mind to a point but just because I earn more I dont think i should have to spend the lot when as you say i consume little myself.