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Finances causing issues in Relationship
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She seems to think that you should just hand all your savings over? Sorry but I think you're better off out of this situation and I'm female. My best friend has a very well paid job, no children and I have a son but we still go halves when we go anywhere or do anything (only rough halves like I'll pay for cinema tickets, he'll pay for parking and then pizza on the way home, not calculated to the penny). He has offered me money or tried to pay for other things but I refuse out of principle. He does occasionally treat us to stuff which I used to object to but then I realised I was spoiling his fun....I just make sure it is only occasionally. Both of us own our houses outright.0
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Did you not discuss it before you moved in together?
I know its not romantic or sexy. But you should have both laid your cards on the table. Of how much you earn and how much debt or savings you each have.
Then worked out a budget for the new house and then worked a fair division of what each pays. That allowed each to have enough money to pay off debts, save or squander if that is what the person wanted to do.
Sounds like everything has come to a head. Does she understand the implications of you moving out and selling the house. Seems she to have her head buried in the sand.
I wish you luck
Yours
Calley xHope for everything and expect nothing!!!
Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz
If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin0 -
scubadrummer wrote: »We used to be really happy and it has all changed since living together. I just get told I'm a Family Man now and should soak it up lol and I earn more so should put more in etc. I dont mind to a point but just because I earn more I dont think i should have to spend the lot when as you say i consume little myself.
Yep classic example. Single parent, needs someone to provide, finds someone and is very well-behaved for the honeymoon period, then starts to s**t test you. It's probably too late now but if anyone asks you to soak it up again you're a family man (laughable really as you're bankrolling someone else's family), use the agree and amplify technique and step away from the conversation. She's purposely found you because you can provide...that's all you are there for. I'm sorry.This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0 -
OP, I assume your savings are quite substantial as you’ve been putting money away for 20+ years? Maybe she thinks that in the event of a split, she’s going to get half?
You call her your partner, so I think that you’re not married? She ought to know that she’ll get back what she put in from the house sale (plus half of any equity), but your savings will be yours to keep. And it’s lovely that you want to keep in touch with the children, please, please do so if it’s what they want, but this doesn’t mean that you’ll be liable for child maintenance on a regular basis.
Still....at least she’ll get her benefits back."I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"0 -
andydownes123 wrote: »Yep classic example. Single parent, needs someone to provide, finds someone and is very well-behaved for the honeymoon period, then starts to s**t test you. It's probably too late now but if anyone asks you to soak it up again you're a family man (laughable really as you're bankrolling someone else's family), use the agree and amplify technique and step away from the conversation. She's purposely found you because you can provide...that's all you are there for. I'm sorry.
Please don't think every single parent is like this. My best friend has a very stressful job and I've told him that if it's ever too much for him he can just pack it in, sell his house and give the money to the family members that he supports and come and live with us because we'll manage ok. My son's father died so there's no maintenance coming in but I am fine providing for my son myself. I guess that's part of why I'm on the MSE site to start with.0 -
andydownes123 wrote: »Yep classic example. Single parent, needs someone to provide, finds someone and is very well-behaved for the honeymoon period, then starts to s**t test you. It's probably too late now but if anyone asks you to soak it up again you're a family man (laughable really as you're bankrolling someone else's family), use the agree and amplify technique and step away from the conversation. She's purposely found you because you can provide...that's all you are there for. I'm sorry.
I'm so sad that this could be the case. I was a single parent. My now hubby moved in but I never took the mick, I paid for my child before he moved in and carried on doing so. I'm still independent and we are married. Not all single parents will be like this.....Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....0 -
Did you not discuss it before you moved in together?
I know its not romantic or sexy. But you should have both laid your cards on the table. Of how much you earn and how much debt or savings you each have.
Then worked out a budget for the new house and then worked a fair division of what each pays. That allowed each to have enough money to pay off debts, save or squander if that is what the person wanted to do.
Sounds like everything has come to a head. Does she understand the implications of you moving out and selling the house. Seems she to have her head buried in the sand.
I wish you luck
Yours
Calley x
We did discuss it to a point and i knew she would lose here benefits etc and i was ready for that. It's just everything else and all the hidden costs I pay and to a point expected to pay. The last thing I want is for her to be struggling but i cant be responsible for debts she had before we were even together. For me all this is breaking my heart know0 -
barbiedoll wrote: »OP, I assume your savings are quite substantial as you’ve been putting money away for 20+ years? Maybe she thinks that in the event of a split, she’s going to get half?
You call her your partner, so I think that you’re not married? She ought to know that she’ll get back what she put in from the house sale (plus half of any equity), but your savings will be yours to keep. And it’s lovely that you want to keep in touch with the children, please, please do so if it’s what they want, but this doesn’t mean that you’ll be liable for child maintenance on a regular basis.
Still....at least she’ll get her benefits back.
You are right we are not married and she is aware that she will not be getting anything although I have told her I will try and help her out for a bit in the transition period but only the first month really. I really do want to stay in touch with the kids and still help out where I can. It's just so hard.0 -
This is definitely about a bigger thing - money isn’t just about pounds and pence, it’s about emotions. Having grown up in a single parent household where there was always more month than money, having long term savings makes me feel more secure and not having them makes me feel incredibly anxious. But I know other people feel entirely differently about this.
Maybe that would be a useful conversation to have - what are savings for and your attitude to financial risk and how money makes you feel. You can count it all down to pounds and pence but in the end if you’re a worrier and you can see your savings draining it is hard psychologically. As moneysavers we are all inclined to just ‘get’ what you’re saying about savings, but maybe your partner thinks totally differently about them.
Presuming there is any chance of salvaging the relationship, would you think of having some counselling? It might help you figure out why you are on such different pages here. And figure out what the emotions are behind everything else.0 -
scubadrummer wrote: »We did discuss it to a point and i knew she would lose here benefits etc and i was ready for that. It's just everything else and all the hidden costs I pay and to a point expected to pay. The last thing I want is for her to be struggling but i cant be responsible for debts she had before we were even together. For me all this is breaking my heart know
I get, it you basically paying for everything. My partner does as at the moment my health does not allow me to work but soon I hope to. He would give me is last penny. But the big difference is I own the house we live in with no mortgage. And moving in with me he has managed to save money. But you should have discussed it to the point of where you say I will pay x % and you pay y % towards bills and then same % for other stuff such as decorating, holidays etc. Leaving you each with money left over to do as you please.
You says she earns less is that because she works a lower paid job or because she works part time. if its part time then she will need to work full time.
And I agree about the debt before the relationship that she should be paying it down. I have to say I think she has white knight syndrome where she thinks you would come riding in and sort all her problems out including her debt.
I know this hurting and painful, but do you want to be seen as a cash cow. As that is what you are. You entitled to some money of you own to do as you want with. But seems she expects you to keep giving and giving.
Shame you had to resort to selling the house as maybe some counseling might have helped for her to see your side.
I do wish you all the best
Yours
Calley xHope for everything and expect nothing!!!
Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz
If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin0
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