Finances causing issues in Relationship

dawyldthing

scubadrummer wrote: »

I have worked it out and all in I am paying in more than what she lost but now our mortage has also increased so that doesnt help. For me I dont mind paying but then I get "we need a holiday" or "this room needs decorating" and it is me that has to foot a majority of the bill. As people have said though this money is sort of invisible.

Suggest you do the decorating together and stuff. If you take your time it can be done. Same with the holiday - suggest a diy.

barbiedoll

You mention in your OP that you are on the “verge of splitting up” and that this is not the “only issue”...is she using this as a stick to beat you with because she wants to split, or are the other issues arising because of this?

Spenders and savers have very different attitudes to money and this can cause huge rifts if the differences aren’t tackled. If she previously had her own house, and has brought up two children, mostly on her own, then she can’t be too bad at handling money. As someone else pointed out, she probably thought that having a joint income meant that she could loosen the purse strings a little, I guess she has been living on a low income and she may be a little giddy at the thought of finally having spare cash...only to see it all go straight into your savings account. I can completely see your point, no-one “needs” a holiday and it sounds as though you do spend money for the family to enjoy themselves but as you’ve had more than enough money to live on, for much of your working life, it’s probably hard for you to see things from her perspective.

Unfortunately though, she does need to be reasonable, and to start living within her means. I don’t think that paying half of the mortgage and food bill should take all of her wages, and she should have some cash left over for herself. I do think that if you’re a family, you should certainly help with the kids expenses, obviously their birth father isn’t stepping up, and you seem happy to do so. You could probably both do with a financial spring-clean. A list of every single bill, and all other expenses (pocket money, school lunches, trips and equipment/uniforms) will show each of you where the money is going, I assume you’re paying council tax, broadband, insurances, utilities and so on? She may not realise how much this all adds up to?

It would be a crying shame to split over something which CAN be solved. My husband and I were in very different places a few years back. Redundancy changed all that, as did this site, and we managed to pick our way through our financial mess, and learned a few things about each other along the way. It wasn’t easy, there were a few tears and tantrums (mostly from him!)
Please do try to work through this....it’s only money and you can’t take it with you. Take the time to listen to each other and maybe admit that some changes will be needed. Good luck

Red-Squirrel_2

barbiedoll wrote: »

You mention in your OP that you are on the “verge of splitting up” and that this is not the “only issue”...is she using this as a stick to beat you with because she wants to split, or are the other issues arising because of this?

Spenders and savers have very different attitudes to money and this can cause huge rifts if the differences aren’t tackled. If she previously had her own house, and has brought up two children, mostly on her own, then she can’t be too bad at handling money. As someone else pointed out, she probably thought that having a joint income meant that she could loosen the purse strings a little, I guess she has been living on a low income and she may be a little giddy at the thought of finally having spare cash...only to see it all go straight into your savings account. I can completely see your point, no-one “needs” a holiday and it sounds as though you do spend money for the family to enjoy themselves but as you’ve had more than enough money to live on, for much of your working life, it’s probably hard for you to see things from her perspective.

Unfortunately though, she does need to be reasonable, and to start living within her means. I don’t think that paying half of the mortgage and food bill should take all of her wages, and she should have some cash left over for herself. I do think that if you’re a family, you should certainly help with the kids expenses, obviously their birth father isn’t stepping up, and you seem happy to do so. You could probably both do with a financial spring-clean. A list of every single bill, and all other expenses (pocket money, school lunches, trips and equipment/uniforms) will show each of you where the money is going, I assume you’re paying council tax, broadband, insurances, utilities and so on? She may not realise how much this all adds up to?

It would be a crying shame to split over something which CAN be solved. My husband and I were in very different places a few years back. Redundancy changed all that, as did this site, and we managed to pick our way through our financial mess, and learned a few things about each other along the way. It wasn’t easy, there were a few tears and tantrums (mostly from him!)
Please do try to work through this....it’s only money and you can’t take it with you. Take the time to listen to each other and maybe admit that some changes will be needed. Good luck

I couldn't agree with this more, this is all great advice.

scubadrummer

Hi Barbiedoll you are right. I have actually been going through my own finances and all of the bills tonight to see if i can make it work. If i have the money available I dont using it but think then it is only fair that we both contribute to the family treats such as holidays, etc as my Partner should then also have surplus income once she has sorted herself out. I am also half tempted to take some of my savings to sort her overdraft, not sure if she will accept it or if it is too late, but we are a family so I spose what's mine is her's to a point. If things do go the same way in the future I do know then that I have tried my best.

PasturesNew

How much did she have before you got together?
How much does she have now?
Is she better/same/worse off?

Does she know how much you pay for things?


She's probably completely oblivious to the fact you're digging deep - and she's better off to start with and overall. She's probably completely clueless about the costs you cover.

It's hard for anybody to guess what's right/wrong without starting from the facts/figures starting point. Without knowing this starting point she will never know how much better off she is/not - and what things cost/you pay for .....

You should go through that exercise as a "starter" because otherwise you're both arguing hot air.

kangoora

newatc wrote: »

This sums up my feeling. My wife has barely worked throughout our married life, thus 98% of income into the house has come from me but she has brought up our 3 children. Everything we have is regarded as joint and I wouldn't want it any different.
Of course, if you don't regard your partner as an equal or don't regard yourself as a father to the children then you effectively don't meet the family unit criteria in quoted post and only you can decide how much you contribute to the arrangement but if you feel you are a family then I would suggest a monetary negotiation is not the way to go. That wouldn't rule out discussing the family income, expenditure and savings.

We treat our finances exactly as you do even though during my employment I typically earned 3x my wifes wage. However, we are both cautious with money and we discuss all expenditure and review our budgets and bank accounts together every month.

BUT I can see the need for separate accounts in some circumstances, even with married couples. If you both have completely different attitudes to saving and spending it could be a recipe for disaster maintaining a joint account.

For example, my sister maintains separate accounts after marrying a really nice guy. However, he is incapable of saving and believes every penny of his wage HAS to be spent in that month. He has to have the latest TV every 2/3 years, latest consoles and games, maintain a motorbike he barely uses and a top of the range car etc. He does contribute to household expenses but I'm pretty sure she subsidises him (she earns more). This even extends to things like car insurance which is a known expense but every year it manages to be a surprise to him - LOL

I'm damn sure if that was my partner I'd want separate accounts because him seeing a positive balance in a joint account would just mean more junk being bought and zero savings for emergencies.

Sea_Shell

I can't imagine not being on the same page financially as my OH. We have common goals/ambitions in this regard and it means we can use funds most efficiently and plan our future from a solid foundation.

This has allowed us both to have periods of not working (through choice), without any resentment as to who now has what and who's earned what.

For those that are not on the same page, it must be a cause of stress in relationships up and down the country.

Marvel1

trailingspouse wrote: »

I wonder if there's some resentment from her that she's paying for all of the essentials (and having to struggle to do so), whereas you pay for the fun stuff? And by extension, you could stop paying for the fun stuff if you chose - but she would still have to pay for the essentials because, well, they're essential.


A full and frank discussion is the only way forward. I have to confess I don't really understand the 'I contribute enough' line - your woman and her kids aren't some sort of charity. You're either in it together, or you're not in it at all.

I sound a bit silly, but what essentials? I can't think of any.

SuperPikachu

Marvel1 wrote: »

I sound a bit silly, but what essentials? I can't think of any.

Food & bills? ...

System

From the quagmire above, this is what I've gleaned...


She earns considerably less than you.
She has debts that she needs to service.
When she services these debts and pays her share of the bills, she is left with hardly any money.


You earn more money.
Have no debts.
When you pay your savings and your share of the bills you have some money left over.
Partner would like you to use left over money for the nice things.


Some observations:


I'm guessing the nice things would not happen if you didn't pay for them? But she is paying debts, so can't contribute to the nice things PLUS she earns less - double whammy.


Are you on a sliding percentage scale for bills etc. Me and my partner worked out a contribution to bills based on a percentage of earnings so it costs us more or less the same in terms of proportion of earnings. This may free up a little bit more money so she can contribute to the nice things. Either way you look at it, it's going to cost you the same, it's just labelled differently. You pay more bills, or pay more for nice things. Same difference.


In terms of your 'nest egg'. Be very careful. I've just seen personally a relationship go south because of this very situation. The 'I'm alright Jack' attitude won't work for long...not to mention the issues with a mother with children from another man...tricky situ.