Finances causing issues in Relationship

[Deleted User]

One of the things to consider is your long term goals?

So, image if you continue to save whilst she struggles (assuming that she is not wasting money frivolously).

As a result:

- You can retire early whilst she continues to work until State Pension Age
- You can have nice holidays in retirement which she cannot afford etc.

I am just making these things up to show that you need to consider how your finance work now, and in the future too.

scubadrummer

Thanks for all your thoughts and opinions on this. I am going to try and have a chat with her and see if we can get it all out in the open and take it from there.

Stoke

I feel a lot of sympathy for you, and actually, I think you're not far wrong with what you are doing.

This was a problem in my previous relationship and I'm not entirely sure we ever came to a conclusion really :(so tread carefully. I 100% disagree with the sentiments above about sharing your finances 50/50.... for me, that would never have worked..... here's why:

In my case, same age, graduated within days of each other. We both had good Undergraduate degrees, but whereas I followed my graduation by jumping straight into a relevant job on a solid graduate salary, certain things happened in her final year that completely destroyed her love of this particular subject (no point going into details). She leaves Uni with debt, straight into a shop job, which was typically low paid. Few weeks in, she tells me she feels unfulfilled, so I loaned her £4,000(approx) so she could get a Master's, while she worked at the shop.

She got her Master's and I figured this was where things would begin to resolve themselves. They didn't, they got worse. Instead of pushing herself and taking up some kind of graduate role in her chosen field, she essentially took the lowest role you could take which was below a grad role. The requirements didn't even state a degree, let alone a masters. She was hugely over-qualified, but it was 32 hours a week, local and very convenient.

We moved into a rented house together and things were okay, but I paid 100% of the rent..... I don't remember how that came about. When we moved into a house with a mortgage, she wanted to contribute 50% but she grew unhappy about having not much money, so she asked me to share my full earnings with her. I found this incredibly uncomfortable for two reasons:

- While I've never been driven by the idea of 'living the life', she was desperate to live a more lavish lifestyle than me. I'm a simple guy really. I don't mind spending money, but I'm not interested in blowing my money either. I drove a £300 VW Lupo, while she drove a much nicer car despite not really having the financial backing to afford it. Expensive designer clothes, expensive perfumes, upmarket wine bars with her friends..... these were things I didn't indulge in hence why my money went a lot further.

- There appeared to be absolutely no drive whatsoever with regards to her career. Here was someone, now more qualified than myself, yet with absolutely no intention of pushing herself.

So we opened a joint account and we contributed a fairly significant amount evenly. Had I contributed my entire earnings, there is no way that it would have been fair and I would have potentially missed out on things I was required to buy rather than bought out of frivolity. This didn't resolve the issue, but it at least gave some money for things like groceries and bills if she was out shopping. Despite this, I paid for every meal, I paid for every supermarket trip that I was present for and I was okay with that, because I did earn more..... I just wasn't happy with the idea of my money being wasted on things like rounds of cocktails for her girlfriends.

In the end, our relationship broke down. It wasn't due to this, but I think it was probably one of the bigger issues. In the immediate aftermath, one of the things she said was that I had not supported her over her job and the fact she "didn't want good money, just wanted to be happy"..... yet a few weeks later, she took up a new job earning almost double what she was on, in the role her Master's had been absolutely tailored towards. Turns out when you want to go to upmarket Champagne bars and live in your own home/flat, you actually need to earn some money.

Stoke

Mojisola wrote: »

And that money is kind of invisible to her.

If you had a bills account (or some other arrangement if you don't want to get a joint account), and she saw the money leaving it when you eat out, pay for holidays, extras for the kids, etc, she'd have a better sense of how much was being spent.

I don't think you should start dipping into your savings for day-to-day living and she needs to work on reducing her overdraft. You as a household have to start living within your means.

Money like that is always invisible. As you say, a joint account would show that.

sooty&sweep

Hi

At the end of the month after you've each paid your bills how much disposable income do you each have ?

To me it sounds like you have savings whereas your partner doesn't have savings and is also having to regularly use her overdraft.

If after paying her bills she's not left with much of a disposable income I could understand why she's asking you to consider increasing your contribution.

She is also possibly aware that if you do split then financially she's not going to be in a great position whereas you do have savings.

Whether you should or shouldn't contribute more is for you two to discuss & agree.

I do understand you wanting to build & protect your savings but at the moment saving interest rates aren't great whereas it can be expensive if you or your partner is having to pay for an overdraft.

Jen

badmemory

74jax wrote: »

With us moving in together I lost child benefit and tax credits so my income was greatly reduced. But his 2/3rds of the bills was pretty much what I lost. Is this similar with you?

I was wondering about this too. She may be struggling because she has lost a significant (to her) amount of income.

Marvel1

You are paying more than enough especially for her kids and she can't be bothered to get any from their Father.

scubadrummer

badmemory wrote: »

I was wondering about this too. She may be struggling because she has lost a significant (to her) amount of income.

I have worked it out and all in I am paying in more than what she lost but now our mortage has also increased so that doesnt help. For me I dont mind paying but then I get "we need a holiday" or "this room needs decorating" and it is me that has to foot a majority of the bill. As people have said though this money is sort of invisible.

CRANKY40

scubadrummer wrote: »

I have worked it out and all in I am paying in more than what she lost but now our mortage has also increased so that doesnt help. For me I dont mind paying but then I get "we need a holiday" or "this room needs decorating" and it is me that has to foot a majority of the bill. As people have said though this money is sort of invisible.

A joint bills account is the answer then. You pay in your share, she pays in her share, all the agreed stuff comes out of it and then if there's anything left you can have a holiday or redecorate. They're not essentials.....

trailingspouse

I wonder if there's some resentment from her that she's paying for all of the essentials (and having to struggle to do so), whereas you pay for the fun stuff? And by extension, you could stop paying for the fun stuff if you chose - but she would still have to pay for the essentials because, well, they're essential.


A full and frank discussion is the only way forward. I have to confess I don't really understand the 'I contribute enough' line - your woman and her kids aren't some sort of charity. You're either in it together, or you're not in it at all.