Finances causing issues in Relationship

scubadrummer

Hi Red-Squrriel, Thanks for your view and you are correct. She did lose money and I do feel i contribute to make up for that. TBH i was aware she had an overdraft but it has grown since she last mentioned it. I wished she had told me. I would also like to point out that although it is 3 times the amount i do contribute a lot more when we go on holidays and trips out, etc.



You have hit the nail on head with the partnership / family point which i like to think we are.

Gavin83

Why doesn't she receive anything from their father? Does she spend her money on 'stuff' that she doesn't really need?

It does sound like you contribute enough already and I agree with some of the others, it sounds like you might need to analyse your spending a bit. It could just well be that you have different ideas of what money is for and are financially incompatible, you just need to decide if that's enough to call it a day.

DigForVictory

There's wanting to feel like a family & there's being taken for a bit of mug.

You almost certainly do not need to put together a Statement of Affairs, but it might help remind Herself just what the running costs are.

As for not dipping into savings, well, yes you want to know your old age will be comfortable (and a short term dip can be replaced) but most overdrafts are a nastier APR than most savings. Short term, she's right on that point. Plus there is always the mythical bus that could knock you over tomorrow.

Yet So much misery ... and the general concensus is that it is all my fault.

Nope. No way. This has moved from we are in two places over money to I am being blackmailed by those I want as my family.

Do you have a Will & does it leave most of your assets to her or some alternate beneficiary (traditionally a cats home or some such)? Does she know if she stands to gain at all by your death?

Would she stand to gain if you were to part ways? She's at risk of loosing an almost family - for what? A bit more to spree with - where does she think more needs to be spent, on what & why? Could she be actually right on some of those issues, but they've not been properly discussed as she may feel she always has to ask, and rather than explain has just estimated an additional amount & said That.

It should not need to come down to a spreadsheet of "this is what is possible/I can afford" but it does sound like the sordid subject of money needs to be discussed, ideally coolly & calmly & with the offspring well out of earshot (unless you can get them to listen - she's clearly influencing them, see if you can't influence her through them back?)

Make sure the children understand that if you do split up, the savings Do Not Get Split 50/50, that they likely loose the house, & all the help you've given for things over the years. Of course you'd be upset, but if that is because you cannot talk sensibly together about money, then it's a tough but useful lesson for you all. I *hate* the idea of common law marriage - it's as real as a unicorn & they do not appear in law courts or pay debts.

You want a family. With fewer rows. I'm afraid you need to have a possibly heated discussion about money first. Give it a few months, see if it's working, keep talking (her overdraft has grown - how, why, what did she not feel she could ask for?). If you can both get this figured, then the whole idea of matrimony could be floated, but ye gods right now I'd be hiding assorted assets & my wallet.

chesky

How old are the teenagers and do they have contact with their birth father?

CRANKY40

Firstly you have to make a list of her outgoings each month to see where the money is going. I budget by writing down all of the bills plus a set amount each week of the month for food and the same for spends in pocket. Does she have anything left after she has paid everything, or is too much going to one place such as groceries? Is she buying non-essential things for the kids and herself or is the money simply going on general upkeep like school dinners, lunches for herself, school uniforms etc? You can't answer the question about if you are contributing enough until you compare her essential spends with her income.

If it turns out that she doesn't have enough money for essentials then maybe she would rather that you cut down your spending on holidays/days out etc which aren't that necessary and paid some of the food bill instead. There's no point you handing over money unless you know where it's going though, so I suggest that the two of you sit down together, list every single item in the budget (don't forget to split annual expenses like Christmas into 12 monthly portions - it's a good idea to put money away every month). Allocate amounts for birthdays, haircuts, absolutely everything.

I'm a single mum - I'm a widow so I have to budget carefully. My house is owned outright though. If I ever moved in with someone else I would lose my widow's pension from the people that my late husband worked for. There wouldn't be any maintenance to fall back on either so essentially I'd be in the same position as your partner. The thought of having to ask another person to help me to support my son is what puts me off ever having another relationship. The thought of asking that person for help and them saying no is enough to make sure I stay on my own for good.

Red-Squirrel_2

scubadrummer wrote: »

You have hit the nail on head with the partnership / family point which i like to think we are.

Ok, that's great!

So go all in, throw everything into one pot and budget as a family. Leave yourselves the same amount of fun money each and there can be no resentment!

mrschaucer

Was there a good reason for her not pursuing the father of her children for child maintenance?

philbo2

All earnings into one pot, from this you cover all the major household expenses, looking after kids etc. Then from this direct an agreed amount to each of you for own personal funds and then the remainder to savings. This is what we do, it's fairly straight forward.

Mojisola

scubadrummer wrote: »

She did lose money and I do feel i contribute to make up for that. TBH i was aware she had an overdraft but it has grown since she last mentioned it. I wished she had told me. I would also like to point out that although it is 3 times the amount i do contribute a lot more when we go on holidays and trips out, etc.

And that money is kind of invisible to her.

If you had a bills account (or some other arrangement if you don't want to get a joint account), and she saw the money leaving it when you eat out, pay for holidays, extras for the kids, etc, she'd have a better sense of how much was being spent.

I don't think you should start dipping into your savings for day-to-day living and she needs to work on reducing her overdraft. You as a household have to start living within your means.

74jax

'Blended' families can be hard work...

In our instance, hubby had his place and I had mine. We were together about 8 years but I didn't want to live together as I had a child and didn't want to live together without marriage (I have no idea why.... ��) I was too independent I think it's the real answer.

We got engaged and moved in, he rented his place out and we lived in mine. We sat down, wrote down all the outgoings and incomings and each put in a % according to our salary. He put in 2/3rds I put in 1/3 at the time.

With us moving in together I lost child benefit and tax credits so my income was greatly reduced. But his 2/3rds of the bills was pretty much what I lost. Is this similar with you?

I think you need to sit down with all incoming / outgoing bills / payments and look at it together.