Finances causing issues in Relationship

scubadrummer

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

This is definitely about a bigger thing - money isn’t just about pounds and pence, it’s about emotions. Having grown up in a single parent household where there was always more month than money, having long term savings makes me feel more secure and not having them makes me feel incredibly anxious. But I know other people feel entirely differently about this.

Maybe that would be a useful conversation to have - what are savings for and your attitude to financial risk and how money makes you feel. You can count it all down to pounds and pence but in the end if you’re a worrier and you can see your savings draining it is hard psychologically. As moneysavers we are all inclined to just ‘get’ what you’re saying about savings, but maybe your partner thinks totally differently about them.

Presuming there is any chance of salvaging the relationship, would you think of having some counselling? It might help you figure out why you are on such different pages here. And figure out what the emotions are behind everything else.

I think you have hit the nail on the head there. I do get stressed spending money especially when I see it as a potential waste. That has led to arguments in the past. When living on my own I would turn all the lights off, etc because that is the way I am. I have gotten better but I still get a twitch when I see a light on and nobody in, the or another favorite is having the heating on with the window directly above open. THat really winds me up but i just shut the window now or turn the heating off lol. In the grand scheme of things it is pathetic really but i dont like waste of any type, just me.



I have even said that she can stay in the house a few months and I will move out and we can have some time to ourselves and see how we feel in a few months but she has said no to that so I do think it is over. She has said the main issue is my attitude towards money, dont get me wrong there are other factors but this is the main one. Unfortunatley I cant change who I am even though I have really tried.

System

scubadrummer wrote: »

I have even said that she can stay in the house a few months and I will move out and we can have some time to ourselves and see how we feel in a few months but she has said no to that so I do think it is over. She has said the main issue is my attitude towards money, dont get me wrong there are other factors but this is the main one. Unfortunatley I cant change who I am even though I have really tried.

DO NOT DO THIS if this house belongs to you. Possession is 9 10ths of the law...you'll never get rid...at the very least stay in the house with her.

Gavin83

I don't think you've done anything wrong, you've clearly just got different attitudes to life. I think you need to move on and not let your feelings for her cloud your judgement here. You both need to get out of the house ASAP (or both stay in) and get it sold so you can get your share back. And don't support her, it's not your responsibility.

scubadrummer

Thanks guys, luckily we did draw up a Declaration of Trust at the Solicitors before we purchased the house so I will get my share back. The house is currently on the market, we have a viewing tonight. I did say that i could just about buy her part off her if i used all my savings but she is not having any of it lol.

charlie3090

Is it possible that she is doing this, putting the house on the market etc to make you cave in?.

For what its worth I too think that she sees you as a bit of a cash cow,I am female and I dont agree with her point of view at all.

Im sure you expected your outgoings to increase but not to the point you are in your overdraft.

I am the main breadwinner in my household and although we tick along ok over the years I have built a resentment of why is it always me who pays out all the time,you are a lot younger than me and to be honest maybe you would be happier in time with someone who shares your values,that does not mean it wont hurt like hell for a while.
I wish you all the luck in the world, be strong and you will get through this, someone who tries to change who you are is not someone to spend your life with.

Gavin83

scubadrummer wrote: »

I did say that i could just about buy her part off her if i used all my savings but she is not having any of it lol.

I too think she might be doing this to make you cave in, mainly due to the bit above. It makes no sense to stop you buying her out, it's likely she'll be financially worse off selling to another party, at least by a few thousand.

You'd be a fool to back down given what's gone on. Taking this as a warning sign and find someone who actually appreciates you.

Out of curiosity has she been pushing for marriage at all?

System

Gavin83 wrote: »

Out of curiosity has she been pushing for marriage at all?

I would not be surprised. If she has, I would suggest OP looks at the theory of hypergamy...

Also, check out Briffault’s Law on relationship dynamics.

Marisco

When I first started reading this thread, my first inclination to the op was run for the hills. Since coming to the end I'd now say get a Ferrari so you can get to the hills faster! My oh's ex wife had the same attitude as the op's partner to money, she gave up work when they moved in together and that was before they had kids. She expected him to keep her and him being totally laid back about things went along with it. He also worked away, sometimes in inaccessible places, so wasn't around to keep a handle on things. She just continued to spend money they didn't have.



After the kids came she got worse and worse re money, and the upshot was that when they seperated it left my oh in thousands of debt. If two people have such differing views of money, spending saving etc it very rarely ends well. I wish you well op, and hope you meet someone who will be on the same page re spending/saving. It worked for us, been together for 27 years and married for 5

scubadrummer

Gavin83 wrote: »

Out of curiosity has she been pushing for marriage at all?

We talked about marriage in the past but not the last 12 months.

scubadrummer

charlie3090 wrote: »

Is it possible that she is doing this, putting the house on the market etc to make you cave in?.

For what its worth I too think that she sees you as a bit of a cash cow,I am female and I dont agree with her point of view at all.

Im sure you expected your outgoings to increase but not to the point you are in your overdraft.

I am the main breadwinner in my household and although we tick along ok over the years I have built a resentment of why is it always me who pays out all the time,you are a lot younger than me and to be honest maybe you would be happier in time with someone who shares your values,that does not mean it wont hurt like hell for a while.
I wish you all the luck in the world, be strong and you will get through this, someone who tries to change who you are is not someone to spend your life with.

Thank you Charlie, i honestly dont know what she is thinking but we are both losing out financially. I do really care for her but have also made my mind up to move on and draw a line under it. Hopefully we will both be happier going forward.