Money Moral Dilemma: Should I miss my sister's wedding?

humptydumptybits

borkid wrote: »

Then you're lucky. My son was married hundreds of miles away from where we lived. My daughter went to the wedding but couldn't afford anything. We paid her travel costs, she went with her dad as she was too ill to travel by herself and I travelled separately. Also we paid for her hotel and meals. Her present to him was she was the photographer so saved them over £1000. Just the few hours taking photos though took a toil on her health and months to recover.

Most of his friends couldn't get time off/ afford the travel or hotel. The following weekend we hosted a 2 day party to accomodate them. They only neede to get themselves to my house we provided all the food, drink and 'lodgings'.


Personally if anyone, family or friends said they wanted a present of £x amount they would very quickly be ex.


Re OP could something be made. I made a housewarming gift recently cost about £30 to make but to buy would be nearly £200 and it would be a unique piece.

But that was his choice, if you cost your guests alot of money then you have to accept they maybe can't come and you won't get a gift. Maybe you missed that in my post.


Obviously stating an amount is rude but covering your plate isn't.

Red-Squirrel_2

humptydumptybits wrote: »

They get to enjoy a family occasion, good food, plenty to drink and good company.

That they are expected to pay for and that is never done for them! :rotfl::cool::cool:

Marvel1

humptydumptybits wrote: »

Obviously stating an amount is rude but covering your plate isn't.

For food I didn't have a choice in selecting, I would at least like to pick my own

borkid

humptydumptybits wrote: »

But that was his choice, if you cost your guests alot of money then you have to accept they maybe can't come and you won't get a gift. Maybe you missed that in my post.


Obviously stating an amount is rude but covering your plate isn't.

As is traditional in UK he was getting married at his wife's family home town. No problem but it frequently happens when children move away to work that their circle of friends/ grooms family will have to travel/ take time off work/. You said "I've never had to book time off work for a wedding, never had to hire a car or use trains. I have once stayed overnight in a hotel for a wedding. I've been to alot of weddings." This is rarefor me infact I can't think of one wedding where I've not had to travel 100+ miles.


They actually requested no gifts. I mentioned his sister to point out that, like the OP not everyone, including family, can afford to go. If the wedding hadn't been at his wife's family home all her family would have had to travel etc

humptydumptybits

borkid wrote: »

As is traditional in UK he was getting married at his wife's family home town. No problem but it frequently happens when children move away to work that their circle of friends/ grooms family will have to travel/ take time off work/. You said "I've never had to book time off work for a wedding, never had to hire a car or use trains. I have once stayed overnight in a hotel for a wedding. I've been to alot of weddings." This is rarefor me infact I can't think of one wedding where I've not had to travel 100+ miles.


They actually requested no gifts. I mentioned his sister to point out that, like the OP not everyone, including family, can afford to go. If the wedding hadn't been at his wife's family home all her family would have had to travel etc

I was replying to someone saying you usually have to hire a car or travel by car and have to stay in a hotel. Obviously it happens sometimes but many of us have cars so don't need to hire a car or go by train unless we prefer to for some reason.



Of course there can be reasons for travel and your sons is one but if that is the case then as in your sons case you wouldn't expect presents.


If you choose a convenient location, and surely it is possible to make it convenient for some of them, entertain them and feed and water them why wouldn't they want to respond by buying a gift or making a donation.


Some people seem quite rude on both sides, if the bride has stipulated £100 presents she is rude, if people have little cost to attend a wedding, accept the hospitality and don't give something then they are also rude.

humptydumptybits

Marvel1 wrote: »

For food I didn't have a choice in selecting, I would at least like to pick my own

Sometimes you can sometimes not, you do usually get a choice at the bar though.

humptydumptybits

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

That they are expected to pay for and that is never done for them! :rotfl::cool::cool:

They don't have to go though do they? If the want to attend a pleasant social function where they are fed and provided with drinks don't you think it is reasonable that they would bring a present. If I go to someones house for a meal I would take something, flowers and chocolates or wine, it is just good manners.

happyinflorida

Write her a nice letter or a pretty card - explain that you love her very much but she is stressing you out over this wedding. Explain your financial state, put that you've told her but she's not listening, so you're sending this letter/card to tell her your situation again and just say, I want to come but cannot afford to pay what you want, would you prefer that I didn't come - hopefully that will work, good luck

Red-Squirrel_2

humptydumptybits wrote: »

They don't have to go though do they? If the want to attend a pleasant social function where they are fed and provided with drinks don't you think it is reasonable that they would bring a present. If I go to someones house for a meal I would take something, flowers and chocolates or wine, it is just good manners.

No of course they don't have to go, but you were suggesting it was expected in your circle that they would go, give a cash 'gift' that covered the cost of their attendance, and be ok with that expectation because they would get their turn.

I do think its polite to bring a gift to a wedding, I just firmly believe that the budget for the gift is set by the giver and their finances/wishes not those of the recipient!

Pollycat

happyinflorida wrote: »

Write her a nice letter or a pretty card - explain that you love her very much but she is stressing you out over this wedding. Explain your financial state, put that you've told her but she's not listening, so you're sending this letter/card to tell her your situation again and just say, I want to come but cannot afford to pay what you want, would you prefer that I didn't come - hopefully that will work, good luck

This might work.
But it shouldn't be necessary.
Really - it just shouldn't.


And the bride(zilla) has been told of the OP's financial circumstances already so why should it need to be restated?