I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

beanielou

KatrinaWaves wrote: »

Final fling? How many of them has he had so far...

You don’t need final flings from your own children when you’ve barely been caring for them anyway. When does Mooloo get her final fling?

Ridiculous.

Only in your opinion.
I think it then draws a firm line between before & after.
In my opinion.
Time for him to step up to the plate:)

WabbitWabbit

I can't believe that you paid for your sons hotel room and then he gets to go away for the weekend. I am sure that if he was paying he would have found a friends sofa to sleep on. I did wonder why he did not go and stay with his grandma as she would have had company and he would have had a place to stay for free...I am sure there is a very good reason that he didn't.
I cannot see that he will ever be able to care for the boys himself as his wants and needs come first. He spends all his money on non essential things for himself, he has so many debts that he is just letting build up, I am sure he is waiting for you to pay them off for him. When he was not allowed to sleep at your home he should be at yours all day being part of the boys lives but he was not.
Him blaming physical and emotional abuse is to me an excuse, lots of single parents come out of that sort of relationship but they still put their children's needs before their own.
I can't see how this is all going to work out, will he be living at your home for the next 18 years, he is never going to step up to the plate as he just can't parent.
His values are so wrong, I hate to say this but he has no respect for females which I read on social media.
The boys do need a family that have the energy, love and encouragement so that they blossom and grow into happy, healthy and caring adults. The longer everything is prolonged the harder it will be for the children, they need to start the process now so that they can then adjust, two years down the line is far too late. If you want the best for them please let them go.

Savvy_sewing

DS is not going now.
So you can all rest easy.
I am going to sleep which is what I need.

I have put my foot down.

And I have already said that it is not that simple to let the children go! Social have to work within the law, they cannot take them away without good reason and your opinions will not hurry the court and all the assessments.
Yes I paid for the hotel because as stated many times he doesn't have friends with sofas. He has one friend who lives with his Mum and cannot go there.
He is home now anyway.
No he cannot stay with my Mum. She could not cope with someone in the house. Her words not mine.

What is done is done.

He is caring for his kids, he does love his kids, he unfortunately has not grown up and is blinkered to putting them in front of his needs and it drives me nuts. That is definitely not learned from be.
Now if you had sited co dependency I would have had to have held my hands up and agreed on that one, after I had been given a book about it, and I understand that I am not perfect and I will defend my family as most mothers do, but it doesn't make me blind to their faults etc.
If I was blind to it I would not have vented my frustration etc on here.

I have and always do what I feel is right, and I repeat I have not agreed to anything but to safeguard the children here while it goes to court etc. I am party to the proceedings so all the good and bad will be in the paperwork so if I don't know anything I will soon learn it.
I am reluctant to write my Son off and or his children but if I have to do that then I will.
But at the moment if Social are supporting a way of bringing the children up in the family then I will listen.

Savvy_sewing

Why are you following him on social media?
And is social media actually a true representation of anyone?
I don't follow him particularly so I don't know what your on about but that's not who I see. He's quiet, rather too laid back, and hurting from 5?years of abuse. Maybe he has a opinion that's biased as many on here have.
This is my view of life, my side of things, my frustrations and my musings and opinions. Maybevmy view is actually putting him and my family in a worse light? I don't know.
I understand he is not helping himself and should
I understand that he appears selfish and I have never been so he hasn't learned that from me. Unfortunately I see a man who has not grown up, and I do feel responsible for not being able to guide him properly when younger, and I feel guilty that he slipped through the net as I was busy firefighting the twins issues and mental health issues. They were pretty all consuming and I let him down by not noticing. But I agree he is letting the children down and needs to understand that he has to be better at it or they will suffer worse than they already have, and it may take many years of professional help for those boys to untangle their issues.
Sorry if I am defending him, actually I am not exactly trying to do that, I am just trying to explain my point of view. It is only my point of view afterall.
Now I really do need that sleep.

Savvy_sewing

Maybe my final fling is taking Mum and Dgd away in 9 days.
And that's agreed with social and biggest and her husband are having the boys and DS is going to have to fend for him self and will be expected to also help out.

thorsoak

Mooloo whilst I do sadly think that your son is not acting in his - or his childrens' best interests - you cannot blame yourself for the way he has turned out - he is still acting like a truculent teenager. I certainly hope that this holiday with your mum and dgd is not your "final fling".

He certainly should not be larping this weekend - he should be looking after his children and earning money to pay back some of his debts. Until he does stop making excuses for everything, he has sunk as low as possible in my estimation - whatever value that has to anyone! I am glad that you are staying firm in NOT allowing him into your cabin - please do not let him set one foot over that threshold, or you will have lost completely.

Personally, I do feel that you are making a mistake in agreeing to keep the boys on the vague promises of Social Services - they've got away lightly - and I'll bet that they are whooping that you have caved in so easily - what is to stop the worker who threatened you with even taking away DGD popping back up again? It's all very unsatisfactory - for you, for DGD, for the boys - and your son goes larping - which must be so frustrating for you. You do not have to make excuses for him - I too have a son whom I consider to be a waste of space (in different circumstances, I must add).

just_trying

Ww he couldn't just help with the children as mooloo was told he wasn't allowed after she was told to put him out.

Mooloo, I completely understand the boys still being there. I wonder how many saying otherwise would do differently if the shoe was on the other foot. They are in a loving home there granny might be tired but how many young people wouldnt be the same. Glad son is back to help and hopefully with your support he'll up his game and become a better parent. He was trying before I believe.

The drugs was a trace as has been said, people do realise it takes months for cannabis to leave your system completely, so he's not been smoking it recently I believe.

You enjoy your holiday with dgd, you deserve it.

Hoping you get a good sleep, lack of sleep is used as a form of torture!

Wishing you strength and hope your son steps up now he's home, thinking off you Xx

Sayschezza

I think I understand that you are keeping the boys on a temporary basis to stop them being shifted from pillar to post until the court decides their long term future. Is that right?. The long term future of the boys is in the lap of the gods/courts and you may not be able to keep them anyway.
I salute your decision and it's the one I would have made too. The downside of this is that if the courts decide that adoption is the answer after looking after and loving them for months your pain of parting with them will be unbearable. If that happens I think you need plans in place to get away for a while to adjust and lick your wounds.
I think your signature explains you very well.

NeilCr

just_trying wrote: »

Mooloo, I completely understand the boys still being there. I wonder how many saying otherwise would do differently if the shoe was on the other foot. They are in a loving home there granny might be tired but how many young people wouldnt be the same. Glad son is back to help and hopefully with your support he'll up his game and become a better parent. He was trying before I believe.

Xx

I doubt many of us could say for certain how they would act if they were actually in this situation. For sure, I, like many others, am far better at dealing with and advising on others problems than I am with my own issues

However, I have, as I say, some insight as my partner has her granddaughter living with her permanently. Her son is there, too, but he works long hours and my partner basically does the parenting. He is pretty good (he needs some pointing in the right direction) so she gets time out and support. I am certain that if she was asked to take on another two (particularly of the age of Mooloo's grandsons) she would say no - and the extra issue of the "flakiness" of the son would cement this decision. And, seeing the effect on her I would say the same thing

In terms of tiredness - from one who knows because of my age! The older you get the faster you get tired - and the longer it takes to recover. Not sure the comparison to younger parents is a fair one.

I hope this works out. I really do. But, at the moment the loudest sound I hear is of a can getting kicked further down the road

Savvy_sewing

I handed over cooking the tea onwards to DS. I went for a sleep as I had a headache, and actually I stayed in my room until 8.30 this morning.
Both boys slept the whole night through for the first time ever.
Now that Social have done a U turn about DS being allowed unsupervised access etc I have packed them all off, Dgd and DS's GF to a day out using our national heritage membership, to Warwick Castle.
I am going to have a soak in the bath, and listen to the silence. Then I will go into my cabin and start to sew the things I have there.
At the moment DS is still using the Day Bed in the front room, and I will keep him there as long as possible.
I have 8 days until my holiday and in that time I have to sort out the shop and make my cabin as organised as I can.
While DS is back I will be able to work again. That will feed my soul, as well as put money back in the bank. I will feel more human and I hope that things can sort out faster.
The stress of this week has paid a toll on me. The stress is worse than the lack of sleep etc
I need to learn how to deal with the stress better.