I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

Chrystal

There is an old saying: 'you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink'
People make choices and have to live with the consequences. Unfortunately in this instance the consequences affect lots of innocent people, and not the person causing them.

Sorry Mooloo, but it's time NOW to put your foot down with DS. Either he wants the children or he doesn't and it's as simple as that. If he does then great, he won't be going away this weekend, if he chooses to go he has no interest in his children or you, and that will set his behaviour for the future.
Yes he has had problems, but him refusing to see the problems in front of YOU is totally self centred.

I realise that you are in a no win situation. Whichever way this goes is going to affect you, as well as the people you love, immensely. If this was happening to someone else what would your advice to them be?

Remember we are all want the best outcome.

I really hope he steps up to the plate. ((((hugs))))

Savvy_sewing

You may well be right.
Maybe I am the cause. Or their abscent father, or their peer mix, or their dna, or my terrible choices.'

I have only ever done my best.
I don't believe Dgd is dysfunctional Thankyou.
I don't see why the boys have to be either.'
I never took drugs, I always worked and provided for my family.
I didn't have social services involved in my children's upbringing even though they were on disability etc
Their behaviour is their behaviour and non of them are the same.
Biggest is not dysfunctional , she pays back what she borrows. She may be opinionated but she is a great Mum, married and living with out social services having any issues with her.
Twin1 is in a long term relationship and has two further children and we have no social services envolvement with her since she moved away from the clutches of the family from hell.
DS is the only one who was stupid enough to get involved in drugs via the family from hell, and the only one who I would say is dysfunctional.
I am glad that you obviously have a picture perfect life, and that you were not dealt a bad hand ever, it must be so satisfying to be so perfect.
What would you have me do?
Lock him in his room? Erm he is 6ft 2" 26 years old and I cannot tell him what to do.
Yes I could throw him out, but that would possibly send him spiralling back into the mire he came from recently.
And I would then have these boys on my own as foster caters are not just sitting waiting with open arms. If they go to foster caters again immediately they would be going to temporary placement, then with the courts taking an average 6 months to make up their minds they could be moved again, and if they are eventually decided on adoption they will then have further placement to see if it works before adoption is complete.
So my biting my tongue slightly is better then a screaming fight✔️
I have made my opinion known to him yesterday, this morning, just now.
We don't see eye to eye. He is not my blue eyed boy, he is a pain in the rear, but Social places the children they visited unannounced yesterday and today they said they were happy I was doing a good job and I had the boys best interest at heart.
Now while he is here I am going to sleep.

KatrinaWaves

Mooloo wrote: »

What would you have me do?
Lock him in his room? Erm he is 6ft 2" 26 years old and I cannot tell him what to do.
Yes I could throw him out, but that would possibly send him spiralling back into the mire he came from recently.
And I would then have these boys on my own as foster caters are not just sitting waiting with open arms. If they go to foster caters again immediately they would be going to temporary placement, then with the courts taking an average 6 months to make up their minds they could be moved again, and if they are eventually decided on adoption they will then have further placement to see if it works before adoption is complete.
So my biting my tongue slightly is better then a screaming fight✔️

You are just making excuses for him.

If you 'cannot' make him cancel a weekend away to be with his children, what makes you think you can make him adhere to these new rules and boundaries you have been talking about? How are you going to make him accountable when you just said you cannot?

You keep saying 'if he doesnt step up then...' he already hasnt stepped up. You are just making excuse after excuse for him. Honestly anything going forward is on you, not him. You know he cannot or will not step up. You know he cannot stick to rules and boundaries as he never has and from the very day he was allowed back with his children he prioritised dressing up in a field. (I am not ragging on LARPing, my brother does, and I get cross that he leaves his work clothes for my mum to wash at his age, not the care of two infants!)

Itsalltootrue

Again with the excuses, if I throw him out blah blah...all you are doing is enabling his behaviour. And as I said this is a cycle that will just repeat itself.
That’s not saying I don’t admire your tenacity. I do. But it’s blind hope in the face of facts.
Truthfully, I’d be saying you are not going larping...and if you do, it shows your intentions and it’s time to admit defeat.
Also my life was and is far from perfect. I grew up with my elderly grandparents as I had a drug addicted mother, they too made excuse after excuse. I wish I’d been given a chance of a normal life.
But when have you ever let facts get in the way of your martyrdom.
Final point is, as someone who grew up in a similar position, those children deserve the chance of a better life. And you know that.

Babe1

I had to Google "larping"....

Bloomin' heck Mooloo - DS is going to running around a field, dressed as some "character", while you are home with DGD and the Boys!!

I have nodded along to so many of the replies here - feel sad at what life dishes out to you, but THIS goes beyond the pale, does it not? :mad:

I can see why you have changed your thinking - SS have given you a listening ear, and you so want to believe what you are hoping for, will become true. I hope in the end it does Mooloo. Hand on heart, I hope this all works OK by you, DGD, your Mum and the Boys.

But this weekend, your son is leaving you with his children, and you feel as it was long since arranged, that that is OK. It isn't OK - it's awful of him. But the sad thing too is that you accept this behaviour from one of your kids.

Sending you hugs Mooloo - really want to be more honest, as I'm cross for you, but it's not my way. You will find your own way through this - it's just that your Son cannot be more of a support.

Artytarty

Very well put.
Time to stop the merry go round and at least let those poor children get off.

KatrinaWaves

I am seriously so mad on behalf of these boys.

What did your son say when you said

'The boys won't settle to sleep without you'
'They are disappointed that daddy isnt in daddys bed'
'The boys are missing you and being challenging because of their emotional state'

These are all things you have stated on this thread. What has your son said to these things? How on earth dont they compel him to want to spend every second he can with them??

Artytarty

Google "hero syndrome".

beanielou

Blimey.
I have a just about 26 year old son & like Mooloo I would do anything in my power to help him if I could.
We love our children whatever their age.
Look on the larping as his final fling.
My life is not perfect~~who has a perfect life.
I salute you Mooloo.
Anything I can do from afar to help just PM xx

KatrinaWaves

beanielou wrote: »

Blimey.
I have a just about 26 year old son & like Mooloo I would do anything in my power to help him if I could.
We love our children whatever their age.
Look on the larping as his final fling.
My life is not perfect~~who has a perfect life.
I salute you Mooloo.
Anything I can do from afar to help just PM xx

Final fling? How many of them has he had so far...

You don’t need final flings from your own children when you’ve barely been caring for them anyway. When does Mooloo get her final fling?

Ridiculous.