I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

KatrinaWaves

gizmo111 wrote: »

There will need to be changes, rules and boundaries and a clear robust support plan in place if this is to become a final long term plan for the children, and that will pan out over the next few months with the assistance of the court who will determine the future of these children.
.

There has been many attempts at this since the son and the children came to live with her. All have failed. He has carried on prioritising hobbies, new girlfriends, his xbox and drugs over the children, both in time, energy and money. What makes you think its suddenly going to change?

Hopefully it is harder to fool the court than SS and the boys are placed in a loving stable home far away from his waste of space parents, and then Mooloo can concentrate on her grandaughter fully. I also truly feel for her other children who have children in care, the one 'grieving' over her lack of letter box contact. I cant imagine how she must feel that her mother is bending over backwards to keep the children of a man who cannot be bothered to try one little bit to keep them, whilst hers are in another home.

Brighton_belle

KatrinaWaves wrote: »

I cant imagine how she must feel that her mother is bending over backwards to keep the children of a man who cannot be bothered to try one little bit to keep them, whilst hers are in another home.

Her DD is fully supportive of Mooloo keeping them and has been very clear to her mother on that.

jackieblack

gizmo111 wrote: »

There will need to be changes, rules and boundaries and a clear robust support plan in place if this is to become a final long term plan for the children, and that will pan out over the next few months with the assistance of the court who will determine the future of these children.

In the meantime I wish her well coping in a very complex emotional situation

I agree with this.
But I’m not convinced it’ll happen, or that SS won’t continue to move the goalposts and let Mooloo down.
At the same time, I understand Mooloo’s need to feel like she’s done everything she possibly could.

Unfortunately, I don’t think she’ll ever actually get the support she needs and ultimately the fallout further down the line will be more painful and have greater ramifications for everyone involved.
But I hope I’m wrong.

NeilCr

gizmo111 wrote: »

Some of these responses are pretty harsh!

Having had a private conversation with Mooloo last night, I support her interim decision to keep the children with her.

There will need to be changes, rules and boundaries and a clear robust support plan in place if this is to become a final long term plan for the children, and that will pan out over the next few months with the assistance of the court who will determine the future of these children.

In the meantime I wish her well coping in a very complex emotional situation and will offer whatever support I can to help her through this.

Could you expand on what and who you think is being harsh please?

I, although I have come to this late, am trying to be supportive. Having a partner in a somewhat similar situation I do have a bit of insight and I have attempted to be constructive. I, also, understand that this is complex

To be honest I have sat on my hands sometimes and toned down some of the things I have said for fear of causing upset. All you have said about changes, rules, boundaries and support are admirable - but this has been mooted before and nothing has happened and it's a complete mess now. I suspect most people's concerns here are that this is going to end in a same old same old situation. I do, sincerely, hope that the granddaughter wasn't told that the boys were leaving.

ETA

Cross posted with JackieBlack who said it better than I did

KatrinaWaves

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Her DD is fully supportive of Mooloo keeping them and has been very clear to her mother on that.

You can be supportive of someones decision whilst simultaneously being hurt that these same efforts were not put into the keeping of your own children.

Also, maybe she thought her brother actually wanted the children, as much as she did, so didnt want him to be hurt like she was. The son does not want the children. He couldnt care less about the children.

I don't care how much the daughter agrees, the psychological impact must be horrific.

Savvy_sewing

Your all welcome to your opinions.
If you read between the lines you add unwritten things.
Trace elements of the drugs in his system less lab 0.0023 is actually proving that he has reduced and is stopping the habit. I doubted him but the evidence is there in black and white. Solicitor agrees it's too small to be the issue.
I will not be handing him my Cabin. If they actually insist he cannot sleep in the sitting room on the day bed then I will look at possibly an old Caravan.

I am well aware that I am tired at the moment, and that it is not what I was trying to do. The courts will still be the final decision makers and to keep them here with Dad's help at the moment is provided them with consistent surroundings and faces and not another move to emergency care.
They will not suffer in the short term, and the courts decide. I was not expecting them to come and take them away overnight that would have been impossible. I just agreed that I cannot do it on my own, and for 16-17 years.

It still doesn't mean that I will ultimately have them, it just means that they are reassessing the rash decision that a social worker decided when their boss was away, and actually they probably red the results incorrectly.

I agree my Son is not stepping up to the mark, but he is a dam sight better than he was in March. He still needs time to adjust from the domestic Abuse he was receiving, but councilling doesn't happen overnight there are waiting lists.
I will be controlling our finances, money for the children will be my responsibility. While with me they will not suffer from malnutrition or lack of anything including Love.
One day we will have childcare and school and eventually if I am assessed and I do believe we can turn things around we will have a good and happy life for the children.
If my Son doesn't help and step up to the plate and it looks like the children are not thriving etc I will be the first to tell Social.

I will be writing down some ground rules over the weekend and I will ask Social worker to witness him signing it, and I will make him accountable.
I will be pushing him everywhich way until it sinks in, but if he comes back in and just goes back to his Xbox and a life on his iPhone then I will not continue. By him signing that with social present he hopefully will realise that I mean business.

Luckily we only have to get through the next two nights, and I can do that, just.
It's not ideal and I still told him that I didn't like it.
As Gizmo said, it is an interim agreement while the application goes through the court.
I will be requesting a written review of socials findings and actions.

Life too short to stay angry and bitter it will only increase the tension in the room, and we don't need that anymore.

KatrinaWaves

Why don't you insist it starts NOW. I cannot believe you are letting him go LARPing. You said the boys were so distressed he wasn't there, yet you are allowing him to prolong this??

You cannot blame all of this on past domestic abuse. You just cannot.

You need to start laying down these rules you keep talking about (and have been talking about since March, its now August and these rules mean nothing), starting with you come home this weekend or you do not bother coming back at all.

vandanfc

Surely if he cannot choose his children over larping then that says it all ?
Why does he get the weekend of freedom after the way you have been dropped in it this week having to cope all alone ?

Itsalltootrue

As a long term follower of your threads mooloo I haven’t commented before. I think in some way it is admirable that you are trying to keep these kids within the family. However, as someone who works with children from difficult backgrounds..my worry is that you are allowing the cycle to repeat. Aside from your eldest, who still takes the mick. All of your children have struggled with parenthood. They must have learnt that from somewhere.
Your now responsible for the next generation and all you are showing them is the same disfunction. Your son is AGAIN putting his needs before his children. What would happen if you said no, I won’t pick up the slack...he’d allow his children to go into care.
Those boys deserve a family where they are put first. Not living with a well meaning but struggling grandma, who will be resentful. Not living with a druggie dad sleeping on the sofa when it suits..who puts his sex life drug habit..and personal wants above them.
You are , in my opinion , doing the very worst thing. You know that. But in your desire to be needed you happily through these kids in the mix.
I’m unfollowing your thread and no doubt will be ripped apart by your sycophants...but blowing smoke up her behind..telling her how brave she is..doesn’t help those two poor kids who will grow up in this mess.

dreaming

Itsalltootrue wrote: »

As a long term follower of your threads mooloo I haven’t commented before. I think in some way it is admirable that you are trying to keep these kids within the family. However, as someone who works with children from difficult backgrounds..my worry is that you are allowing the cycle to repeat. Aside from your eldest, who still takes the mick. All of your children have struggled with parenthood. They must have learnt that from somewhere.
Your now responsible for the next generation and all you are showing them is the same disfunction. Your son is AGAIN putting his needs before his children. What would happen if you said no, I won’t pick up the slack...he’d allow his children to go into care.
Those boys deserve a family where they are put first. Not living with a well meaning but struggling grandma, who will be resentful. Not living with a druggie dad sleeping on the sofa when it suits..who puts his sex life drug habit..and personal wants above them.
You are , in my opinion , doing the very worst thing. You know that. But in your desire to be needed you happily through these kids in the mix.
I’m unfollowing your thread and no doubt will be ripped apart by your sycophants...but blowing smoke up her behind..telling her how brave she is..doesn’t help those two poor kids who will grow up in this mess.

Wow - did you really create an account just to post this? I'm not sure anyone can say what the "right" thing is to do in a situation such as Mooloo is in. If she takes the boys on (with or without DS's help) there will be many people who think she is doing the wrong thing. If she refuses to look after them and they get fostered outside of the family then there will be just as many who think she could/should have done more. It is very easy to stand outside of the situation and say "do this, do that, don't do that, you should have done this" but actually being in the midst of what is undoubtedly a very serious situation with the conflicting emotions I am sure Mooloo must be feeling is a very different matter. I know when my family went through devastating times during the past few years I could see the sense of everything other people advised me to do but I still had to follow my heart.
I don't consider myself a "sycophant" at all although I do think she is brave. I also think at times she is quite foolhardy and blinkered and totally disagree with her actions but what good would it do to post that? To be honest there is just as much criticism (well-meant I am sure) as there is blowing smoke up her behind. I'm not going to rip you apart for having a point of view but maybe you (and the rest of us) could look at the "tone" of your post when putting it forward to someone who is clearly in turmoil at the moment.