I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

Savvy_sewing

Morning. We have been up since 6am
The children are playing fairly quietly in front of the TV and I have been messing about on my phone and drinking my tea.
I need to get some breakfast sorted out and move!
We were briefly awake atv1.10 and 3.20 I think but once I found the dummy and some milk we had peace again.

I don't know what the day will bring.
I am hoping that I can sew when the baby goes to sleep if I use my mobile as a hotspot and then the lad can have some gadget time sitting on the sofa in my cabin. It's worth a try anyway.
I had originally planned an early night but with SIL coming around that didn't happen, but knowing that he was listening, and having a conversation about other things other than the children helped me.
DS has his last physio today, so I don't expect to see him until later. I am hoping that I will borrow his car this afternoon, and then I can take the children with me and go and see my Mum briefly. It will have to be brief as my Mum will not cope with the children for long if it is noisy.
But I will be able to at least change her bed, and then if they are not too disruptive I will attempt a trip around Aldi, as popping to the co-op or sending others to collect milk etc is becoming more expensive.
My first job is to get the budget back on track, the menu plan and what ever else is needed on the home front.

Savvy_sewing

Well I didn't get to Mums or Aldi.
I tried to work but it was impossible.
My emotions are all over the place.
I read the initial IVA and apart from the inaquracies etc I decided I cannot sign it.
I have tried to be positive etc and in that I have done a brainstorm/mindmapvetc and I have been in conversation with Biggest, Her Husband, my staff, my friends and my Mum, and Dgd. And tonight reluctantly I have decided I cannot do this full time or long term. The restrictions on my life are just too much, as many of you have said I am too old.
I would resent either them or my son. I have cried and cried this week , but in my heart I cannot do it, with all the best intentions in the world they need a younger couple that can devote the time and attention without the emotional baggage that I have with the maternal family and my own family.
I have told DS I am sorry but I cannot do it. I said that I wished he had sorted his life out sooner, but he's left it to late and I cannot do itvwith resentment etc as I already feel resentful to my inability to work , go to Mum etc
So I have text the Social worker and explained my situation. I presume he will get it tomorrow .

I appreciate all the support and well meaning and honest opinions but I cannot do it. I am exhausted.
I hope that I will get an hour or two sleep before the baby wakes.

Both_Feet_on_Terra_Firma

Mooloo I have been pretty harsh in my thoughts but all along i felt although you were doing this for the right reasons it was the wrong thing for you and your family as well as the boys I am sorry it has come to this for you to realise that this is not a good thing for any of you. I don't envy your position and what you have been through . You have nothing to reproach yourself for this is your son and his partners doing not yours I hope now you have come to a decision you will feel some weight lifted from your shoulders I know you will struggle with the emotional rollercoaster maybe your GP can help you with some help in the form of counselling . I would say do not allow your son back to your house he needs to sort himself out and step up to the plate its not too late but only he can do this . I hope you have a more peaceful night now you have come to a decision I wish you well x

vandanfc

Mooloo you are being very brave coming to that decision and I am sure that you will be hurting a great deal over it. Hugs are all I can offer you. I hope you manage to get some sleep now that you have come to a final decision. xx

dreaming

I know no words will comfort you but many of us will thinking of you and your family. Try to rest.

beanielou

I think that you have made the right decision.
I think that point came when SS said that DS could not stay in the house & could only see children at a contact centre.
Such a sad sad situation for you all.
I have such respect for you that you have tried so hard to make this work against such impossible odds. xx

Brighton_belle

That took a lot of courage Mooloo. I think it's the right decision but that doesn't mean it is not very painful for you. You did your absolute best and gave your all to make this work. The fact it is not working is not your fault.

trix-a-belle

Mooloo, you had all the best and right intentions but I agree with your decision & know how hard it will have been for you to come to it.
SS should be ashamed of themselves with the threats they have made and untenable situation they threw you into, no one could look after 3 children with no physical or monetary support with no notice of such huge impactful changes to their support network.
Be glad that you tried not sad that you couldn't make it work xx

eta: I agree with terrafirma counselling might be a good call as you have been through so much

SingleSue

Mooloo - I had similar feelings in June. My niece was placed with me for what initially looked to be for the long term but ended up only being short term (miscommunications/over reactions/malicious misinformation)

I'd always said I would have no issues and was almost gung ho that I could manage it but as reality sunk in, it dawned on me that if it did become long term that I would probably struggle a bit too much for it to be a success. I think had it happened whilst the boys were still at home I would have been better prepared but since the youngest son shipped off to university, I have made a life for myself, got myself a nice little (non child friendly hours but perfect for me and my disabilities) job etc.


Outwardly I was calm, serene, handling it all. Inside my mind was turning over at 100 mph, my stomach was churning, my stress levels were sky high. What would I do about my job? How could I afford this? Where would everyone sleep when the boys came from uni in the holidays? But my biggest worry was my health, I am already struggling to look after me, let alone a 6 year old too. She of course would have been put first and would have received all my energy but at what cost to my body.

It was also the thought of going back to the school playground and its politics, not a happy place for me due to the boy's disabilities, a daily school run battling the local traffic (I'd only just got free from them!)

In the end I sighed in relief when I received the ok to return her to her parents, not because she had been a nightmare but because I was really doubting my ability as a disabled stand in parent to give her all she deserved.

To be honest, I would probably have got my head around it eventually and made it work (it's what I do), adjustments were already being made, plans being put in place, a routine found but for the next 12 years could I have carried on? I really don't know if I could.

NeilCr

I am sorry for you Mooloo but, like the others, I think you have made the right decision

SingleSue has made a great post and said much of what I would have said about the situation. For me the point about the number of years left is key. My partner has much the same (12-13 years if things remain as they are) and that's the saddest (if that's the right word) thing from my point of view for her. As it is she (and we) are bound to a timetable that is her son's work schedule and the erratic times she visits her mum's

If the child was older it would be different. As SingleSue says there is the daily grind to school - my partner also ends up at parents evenings, school events etc etc. Stuff she - like you - had done many years ago and thought was over and done with

I won't comment on SS other than to say - probably for the umpteenth time - that this all happened too quickly and in a rush. I am pleased that you put the brakes on now!