I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

Artytarty

Oh dear Mooloo, that all,sounds exhausting.
Allow yourself to grieve for the life you might have had, for a while .
Then remind yourself that everything in life is a pull of attractions and that
You chose this over the alternative as you wanted what you felt was best for the children.
Also, never be afraid to admit when you may have made a mistake and can't do something.

Chrystal

Oh Mooloo just want to give you a hug... wish there was something I could do that was more practical.

With regard to the boys it sounds as though they've just been allowed to do what they want, without supervision..maybe try telling them that if they hit the TV again you'll turn it off... and then do it (maybe for 5 minutes?)
It's surprising how quickly they learn if you stick to it. May work for other behaviours as well - remove something they love playing with (for a short time, until they behave?) I'm sure you know the idea but it's amazing how behaviours can be turned around as long as you're consistent with it. ie NEVER say one thing then do another - that's one thing they WILL remember.
You are a very determined lady and I'm sure you'll soon have things under control (as long as SS get their fingers out and sort things as they should be sorted!)
Take a deep breath and realise that it's going to take you a little time to come to terms with everything that's happened.. You're allowed to cry - even to scream and rant as long as it's not in fromt of the children and it makes you feel better. (((hugs))) XXX

Savvy_sewing

Well I think I am feeling like a new Mum, with lack of sleep and babyhead.
The boys are quite a handful at bedtime.
It is quite a challenge to get them to settle. It was 9.45 before calm finally happened. Then we are still battling the head lice. I used conditioner on our heads last night. Dgd and I are still finding live ones even after treatment with headrin.
It means that we are still spending an hour plus combing through each night.
I was looking forward to a soak in a hot bath but it was nearly midnight before I had the opportunity and then it was just too late.
The baby seams to be screaming more at night and is difficult to settle which is new since Dad is not here. I was up 3 times in the 5 hours before he stayed up.
The eldest was up at 6.50 which is more acceptable, if only he would settle and stop being a holy terror on bedtime, as he wakes up the baby and finds it funny to run me ragged. Learning to keep calm and not bite is a little testing after a few hours.
We had to bring the baby down stairs again to allow him to fall asleep in quiet down stairs with Dgd while I try to calm and persuade his brother to go to sleep.

I am used to going to bed before 10.30 and getting up around 6.45 to 7.

Right moan over. Yesterday Biggests hubby made a wooden table to put in front of the electric wires and sockets for the TV etc so that it is less of a magnet to the kids, and Dgd painted it.
DS came around for a couple of hours after I told him he can come over as much as possible to help me until Social tell me differently.
So he helped a little by playing with the children while Biggest and I started to clear the abyss of my bedroom. I have three charity bags with bedding etc in. I have kept 3 sets of bedding for my bed and donated the rest. The cover currently on my bed and the one in the wash will be washed then I will decide which to keep as a spare for the front room guest bed.
I also ditched several sets of baby girl and girly curtains and bedding which meant that I could remove two ottomans from my bedroom. Also we removed a computer desk I used to use for sewing from the boys room.
I have sold one ottoman for £5 but I don't think I will be able to get anything for the other one as it was outside to be photographed and then while I was busy sorting upstairs while I could it poured down with rain.
I have text the Social worker to call me today to tell me what exactly is happening and I have emailed his line manager complaining about the "blackmail " and making me choose between the boys and my Son.
I will be seeing a solicitor this afternoon.
I am concerned about my business. I can't see when I had hoped too as it is too late and I was going to set an alarm for getting up at 5.15 to try but the baby was awake before then.
I need social to allow DS too have the children for a while or a child minder etc. I can't earn money otherwise, or get the shop empty and if I don't empty it etc then I will loose my deposit of £2,250 which I need to survive on if I cannot work to earn a living.

Savvy_sewing

The lead social worker is apparently no longer in the safeguarding team!
It beggars belief

Savvy_sewing

Is it bedtime yet?

Washing on the line that DS finally put up for me yesterday. Well until I ran out of pegs.
Dirty washing all up to date.
Child benefit forms ready to post. Tax credit exemptions form ready to post.
Still waiting for social to get their meeting sorted and reply to me.
Taxi for the holiday with Mum booked and paid for.
Children's forms for registration at doctors returned.
Approach to car sales for a test drive on a second hand car hopefully tomorrow.
DS has had job interview, sounds promising. Fingers crossed but where he will live is still not sorted.
Did I say old car finally off my drive and gone to scrap. I got a cheque for £85 better than a poke in the eye.

DS is here now and I hope that we will go for a walk to the park and to the food shop and Solicitor.

Chrystal

I hope the Solicitor is better than your SS team!

jackieblack

Hi Mooloo
Goodness it’s all a bit of a whirlwind for you!

At the end of June, the report said that the Social Worker’s recommendations were shared parental responsibility but with you as the primary carer. But when you agreed to that you were under the impression that DS was going to be around to help you.
I think that if the goal posts have been moved, Social Services need to understand that that isn’t what you agreed to. I know that you want to do the best for your family, but two small children is a lot harder work than one, especially without another adult to help you. And DGD will still need you, she’s starting secondary school, which can be a tricky time, and teenagers need you more than they would care to admit. The demands on you for the next few years are going to be huge - and doing it on your own is an entirely different kettle of fish to doing it with the day to day (and night to night) assistance of your son. It also has massive ramifications in terms of your business and how much you are going to be able to work (or not work).

For your wellbeing, as well as that of all 3 children, I think it needs to be made crystal clear to Social Services that, if you are still going to take this on, you are going to need adequate support, both financially and practically. You’ll need to be very firm and stand your ground, but the consequences otherwise could be a massive cost to you all.

I really, really hope you can get all the support you are going to need.

Babe1

Oh goodness me, Mooloo I am so sorry how this is turning out, for you and the Boys. The SS team have been absolutely awful the whole way through

I don't you really wouldn't want to, but could you tell them you just cannot do this - for your own sanity/DGD/work - so many things, but how do they expect you to keep these balls juggling like this?

I hope DS will find somewhere soon to stay, and that you aren't covering the cost until then. I really hope you have closed your purse/hidden your credit card. After all you have done by DS/ex-gf you simply cannot do any more financially.

Along with looking after yourself/DGD and doing what you can for your Mum too, please say "no" to anyone else asking of you.

I am the same age as you - I have (I think) similar long term illness as you have, and an adult son with learning disability/autism who is at home with us, we also care for my FIL who is housebound at 94 - I know full well how life can and is a struggle - I don't have the financial worry with our son, and I can rest as I need to, when he is at a day service etc, but really I am in awe of you, and what you achieve Mooloo

I'm sat here absolutely done for, after being with my FIL (cleaning/shopping etc) and sometimes we just want the world to stop, so we can get off for a while!

Thinking of you, as others here that support you too, from our own places.

Babe1

jackieblack wrote: »

Hi Mooloo
Goodness it’s all a bit of a whirlwind for you!

At the end of June, the report said that the Social Worker’s recommendations were shared parental responsibility but with you as the primary carer. But when you agreed to that you were under the impression that DS was going to be around to help you.
I think that if the goal posts have been moved, Social Services need to understand that that isn’t what you agreed to. I know that you want to do the best for your family, but two small children is a lot harder work than one, especially without another adult to help you. And DGD will still need you, she’s starting secondary school, which can be a tricky time, and teenagers need you more than they would care to admit. The demands on you for the next few years are going to be huge - and doing it on your own is an entirely different kettle of fish to doing it with the day to day (and night to night) assistance of your son. It also has massive ramifications in terms of your business and how much you are going to be able to work (or not work).

For your wellbeing, as well as that of all 3 children, I think it needs to be made crystal clear to Social Services that, if you are still going to take this on, you are going to need adequate support, both financially and practically. You’ll need to be very firm and stand your ground, but the consequences otherwise could be a massive cost to you all.

I really, really hope you can get all the support you are going to need.

Jackie, has said all of what I was thinking, but couldn't find the words!

I am thinking too about your Mum and her needs - I know to our cost this past 4 years, the impact it has had on my husband and I caring for my FIL. My own parents are also starting to need more help, so we feel we are pulled every which way.

I really hope that won't happen for you, but what if it does? Your Mum/DGD and the Boys all needing a bit of you - well not just a bit, but taking all of your time.

I agree with Jackie, that you have to stand your ground with SS - by you giving the Boys a home, you have taken away any of the work they should be doing...

You are needing to sell your little sports car, so that you can transport everyone - that cost be met by you, food/housing being met by you. Everything is down to you, you and more YOU.

I really hope this solicitor can give you some good advice. Can I ask if you have a local Family Advocacy service locally, that could support you through this maze? I know with LD children we have a Supportive Parents service - would there be something similar near you.

If I was nearer, as I feel sure with many others that read your thread, we would support you locally, but I'm in the West Country. I have worked with Carers Centre, and our local council on a partnership board, so I have learnt a fair bit, but that doesn't help your cause.

There must be something where you live, that could support you as an Advocate - the SS team are really not being at fair, and especially knowing you have DGD too.

Makes me so, so cheesed off!!

Did DS know that they had found drugs in blood test back in March? - did they tell him, but he/them didn't tell you? Won't make any difference now, but that also has really made me sad that DS didn't put a stop to his needs, and put the Boys first.

Sorry ladies/gents for 2 long replies - I have my own angst today, but I can have a chill, Mooloo you cant/don't - life can't be so bloomin unfair.

NeilCr

I, too, strongly support what Jackie said.

As I said in my earlier posts this has all been developing really quickly and it feels like you have been dragged along with the momentum

I still think you need to take a pause and to take some time to think things through - particularly, in the light of what has happened with your son. Once again, my partner has support from her son in looking after the granddaughter and she gets very tired sometimes. That's one child - you have three.

Jackie is right. You need to be very strong with SS about what you need and not agree to anything until you are sure that this will be provided.