I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

BrassicWoman

Mooloo wrote: »

So your comments are only your opinion.

Walk a mile in my shoes and you will see nothing is black or white.

1. you don't need to justify yourself to anyone here
2. remember the ignore function

Babe1

I don't feel that DS should collect/pick up the Boys on his own at present - from how you have explained Mooloo, exgf is way too volatile.

The Boys should not be witness to that - in a perfect world, they wouldn't be but their Mum thinks purely of herself.

If he had someone sat in the car at change over - they don't get out, but she knows there is someone with him. Anything is worth a try until a better change over could be put in place.

If this was a woman being verbally/physically abused at a hand over of children, I am sure SS would be quick to protect - it should be no different for DS.

Mooloo, also - I hope you are doing ok with the medication. It can take some time for it to work, and for you to feel in a better place. From how you have written this week, you "sound" like they are giving your some help. I do hope so

CRANKY40

I don't post here often but my current thought is that with the right support and a break from chaos there's no reason why Mooloo's ds shouldn't be able to turn things round and maybe in future he can be the main carer again. Mooloo being the main carer for now would prevent the gf (who is known to be violent) from having as much access and ds is still "on site" as it were to give a hand with child care. There's things that could go wrong but there are also things that could go well.

I would have discussed it with dgd too. I have been on my own with my ds since I was widowed when he was 4. I discuss every change to our domestic circumstances with him (amongst other things) and when we moved house when he was 10 he came to look at every potential new house with me. We eventually found a house that we both liked. Eleven year olds may not be mature but they have thoughts and feelings like everyone else and they deserve to be listened to. If Mooloo's dgd hated the idea of everyone staying in the house for a longer time than was originally intended then that would be a cause for concern. I would say Mooloo was right to approach the child for an opinion rather than just say "this is how it is" at some future point. Dgd will also probably see more of Mooloo because instead of Mooloo being at work she will be home with the baby.

Nothing is set in stone and if Mooloo discovers that having 3 children in the house is too much to cope with then things can be changed again but I don't see that anyone has anything to lose by at least trying it to see if it's workable. The only point that has me worried is that by being the person responsible for the boys Mooloo is making herself a target and may be targeted in the way that her ds is now.

I hope it all goes well Mooloo and if ds needs any help or support from the domestic violence point of view then there are some contact numbers available to give him advice if you look on here

https://www.paullavellefoundation.co.uk

This is a charity that was set up when a lad that I went to school with was killed by his girlfriend.

essex123456

My point is young boys take a lot of energy which Mooloo doesn't have.

NeilCr

CRANKY40 wrote: »

Nothing is set in stone and if Mooloo discovers that having 3 children in the house is too much to cope with then things can be changed again but I don't see that anyone has anything to lose by at least trying it to see if it's workable.

I struggle with this. The two boys have had a chaotic start to their lives and I don't think it is a good idea to be even talking about change again. I know my partner, having taken on the responsibilities, wouldn't make a change (unless for serious reasons) because she knows that her granddaughter is now in a stable (as possible in the circumstances) situation.

It's why I hope there is breathing space for everyone to take a step back. There are comments on here I agree with - and others I disagree with - the way of forum life! But I was taken by what someone (sorry not going back to check) said about the change in the attitude towards the social workers

I think Mooloo's son is key here. If he can contribute to his children's development, regularly, and get involved then that does, at least, take a bit of the pressure off Mooloo. With my partner we do know some days when her son will be off so can do a bit of planning. There is nothing off the cuff , though, and any length of time away is a no go. I am fully aware of how much those days "off duty" mean to her.

Savvy_sewing

essex123456 wrote: »

My point is young boys take a lot of energy which Mooloo doesn't have.

I may not be a spring chicken but I use a lot of energy at work. I am constantly on the go up and down stairs, two flights of them between the workshop and the shop floor. I do those stairs 20 plus times a day. I walk everywhere to work etc and only use my car on Wednesday and occasionally Sunday.

If I am not at the shop that energy can be used with the children.

Yes I am often exhausted by the end of the day and have early nights, but I don't think it will be a problem to not stay up half the night, and certainly with the transition to them being here DS is still here. So he can still parent too.

Savvy_sewing

NeilCr wrote: »

I struggle with this. The two boys have had a chaotic start to their lives and I don't think it is a good idea to be even talking about change again. I know my partner, having taken on the responsibilities, wouldn't make a change (unless for serious reasons) because she knows that her granddaughter is now in a stable (as possible in the circumstances) situation.

It's why I hope there is breathing space for everyone to take a step back. There are comments on here I agree with - and others I disagree with - the way of forum life! But I was taken by what someone (sorry not going back to check) said about the change in the attitude towards the social workers

I think Mooloo's son is key here. If he can contribute to his children's development, regularly, and get involved then that does, at least, take a bit of the pressure off Mooloo. With my partner we do know some days when her son will be off so can do a bit of planning. There is nothing off the cuff , though, and any length of time away is a no go. I am fully aware of how much those days "off duty" mean to her.

If the children come to me, I am expecting it to be for life. I don't intend to give up on them, as I haven't given up on Dgd. There was a time when her Mums partner's family thought they could overturn the sgo. No way not over my dead body.

My way forward will be to look at everything we have, what challenging things we will face, and I will come up with a new Blueprint for our lives as soon as I can.

Maybe taking time out from the sewing until January when the baby will be 2 and can start Nursery. I have already been to talk with Dgds old nursery, and I will put him in there regularly if I can get a place, so that he gets to play with other children etc and I will get a break to restart my sewing parttime.
If I am going to have funding for them, then I will be able to meet their needs materially, and if I am focused on being "Mum" rather than a career woman, and I accept the help available then I know that I will give them a better life moving forward, and because I know them already, and I have been here before I am more aware of the pitfalls and I am under no illusions.
Life will be tough sometimes and joyful others, but no matter what happens I will aim to bring the joy, listen and encourage and watch them grow to the best of my ability, and I will be around for Dgd more as I will be home when she goes to and comes back from school.

I will rally round what help and support is available.

If
The courts agree with the Social services.

Savvy_sewing

Time to get to work.
I have a lot of jobs to focus on while I await all the information etc and go from there.
So between 9 and 4.30 my head is going to be at work.

hb2

I hope you have a good day Mooloo.

Eager_Elephant

I'm fully in support of your decision Mooloo - what family member wouldn't try and keep the family together?

Through my work I meet many families who are separated due to Social Services involvement (always justified IMHO) and the majority have gone to family, its so much nicer for the children if they can stay with blood relatives.

I hope that DS will be allowed to live with you still or be able to get a place nearby as I think if he can get his life back on track he will be a huge asset to bringing up the boys.

Sending love and hugs to you all