I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

Almost-free

ognum wrote: »

I believe there is an enormous amount to think about here. It is easy to trott out the let them go to a ‘lovely’ adoptive family and all will Be well.

It’s not as easy as that, some adoptions are good, some are awful. I have friends who have had their marriages broken from adopting children and others who have returned children to the care of the local authority because the whole family dynamic has been broken by adoption. I know of people who understand why they were adopted but hated their lives as adopted children.

This situation is not black and white. Sometimes having poor parenting by birth parents but with a supportive environment is the best, sometimes it isn’t.

Once children have reached the age of Mooloo grandchildren much has already been imprinted and it can only be varied slightly not iradicated. This would not be the easy adoption there is too much water under the bridge.

There is no right or wrong here, all depends on the support that can be given to these children in whatever environment they are in.

There’s the rub though - we all know that historically, Mooloo hasn’t been given support . She has been messed about by social workers, mistakes have been made of monetary support she was supposed to have - she’s been forced to move house . Even biggest isn’t the rock to her mum she should be- instead she leans on Mooloo as well. Honestly mooloo we teach people how to treat us and I honestly think your children have learned to use - and to some extent - abuse you . I think you need to feel the whole family rely on you.

Having a conversation with dgd at 11 yrs old and thinking her ‘ok’ is the green light - I’m speechless tbh. She doesn’t know what is best for her or her nephews.


This situation really is like Groundhog Day .

Savvy_sewing

Well having regular conversations with her is better than not telling her what is going on, and suddenly she ends up sharing her future with her cousins out of the blue.
No it is not perfect, but by being open and honest with her that sometimes life is not two children and two parents, and that life is varied and complex is reality. At least she is open to discussion on her feelings and her concerns and yes she might be 11, but she is a fully grown and fairly mature and a caring young woman (who is now taller than me, and borrowing my clothes!) . She is a young lady already.
Emotionally she may not be fully mature but neither is she playing with dolls and skipping around in pretty frocks with ribbons in her hair.
You or I have to make judgement calls, and mine is to be open and honest with her that I have been asked to take on the boys and as it will effect her she should be allowed to know and have a say in that future.

I personally wish I wasn't in this position but I am.
Yes maybe my children/adults rely on me more than they should and I have unwhittingly made it to easy for them, and hind sight is a wonderful thing.
But I probably would do it all again if I had too.
I am wiser with dealing with Social this time around, I have had plenty advice from Gizmo in the past, and have had help from other websites on children services over the years. They will not be pulling the wool over my eyes.
I will not be moving house again.
I may well need to give up my sports car, but at least it was a dream I succeeded in getting.
I may have to close my business or go part time for a year or two but I have the skills and the ability to start again if I need to.
I may not yet get to live in Portugal, but later in life I may still get to holiday there, once the boys are older.
Depending on the terms of the care order I may get respite as social want them to maintain contact with the maternal grandmother which we didn't have in the equation with Dgd. I already know that the two grandfathers will not be a help, hers lives abroad somewhere and is not in contact and my Ex is useless and has minimal contact with Dgd so I know he won't be a support.

I have thought long and hard over the last 14 months.
My health is my only issue. Can I keep improving and will I survive this? Who knows but I have eventually come to terms with the fact that I must try.
Maybe in 6 years time all of them can swim with the dolphins and will want to come to Portugal for their holidays. I might be too old to buy a home but I can holiday.
Maybe my grandchildren will have a better life than you give me credit for.

NeilCr

Mooloo

I don't think anyone is saying you won't do a good job. It's just that some of us have some worries about the whole situation - for quite a lot of the people involved - but, especially you and the boys. I'll reiterate how my partner feels about the age gap

My partner's situation is different inasmuch as the father is living with her and does get involved with his daughter. I think that this was one of the reasons she agreed to it - making sure that this link continued. I don't know if she would have taken the child on, completely, by herself. I sort of suspect not but it's not something we've discussed

She makes her own decisions! And quite right too, although, she does sometimes ask my opinion.

I guess I think that this is all happening in such a rush for you. I understand you can stop at any time but in my experience once you are in the flow that becomes more difficult.

BrassicWoman

Mooloo wrote: »

she might be 11, but she is a fully grown and fairly mature and a caring young woman (who is now taller than me, and borrowing my clothes!) . She is a young lady already.
Emotionally she may not be fully mature but neither is she playing with dolls and skipping around in pretty frocks with ribbons in her hair.

I remember having to be grown up at that age because my brother made home life chaos and there was nothing left for me. Watching my mum fall to bits regularly, and my dad stay out of the house as much as possible.

How I wish I'd been able to grow up in my own time; I'd have learned a lot earlier not to live my life for other people's happiness and convenience! But, if mum is the example you have to go by, then you end up sacrificing your life, just like mum.

I'm not saying that is the case here; but assumptions are dangerous.

*max*

Mooloo wrote: »

.
No it is not perfect, but by being open and honest with her that sometimes life is not two children and two parents, and that life is varied and complex is reality. It's certainly reality for her, it's her "normal" and it's worrying.At least she is open to discussion on her feelings and her concerns and yes she might be 11, but she is a fully grown and fairly mature and a caring young woman (who is now taller than me, and borrowing my clothes!) . She is a young lady already.No no no no. She is not a young lady. She is a CHILD. There are things she should not be exposed to, and things she should not know or be told, for her own good.
Emotionally she may not be fully mature but neither is she playing with dolls and skipping around in pretty frocks with ribbons in her hair. She is still a CHILD, and she is definitely not mature enough emotionally or otherwise to deal with some of the things she has to deal with. She needs boundaries, structure and security to be able to grow up into a well-adjusted adult. Even with those things it's not a given for anyone, so without...chances are high that she will end up repeating what she thinks is "normal" because it is to her.

Thinking of her as a "young lady" is a dangerous mindset. You will unwittingly make her deal with things she is not intellectually or emotionally ready to deal with at her age.

MadamMim2013

*max* wrote: »

Thinking of her as a "young lady" is a dangerous mindset. You will unwittingly make her deal with things she is not intellectually or emotionally ready to deal with at her age.

That is highly presumptuous, do you actually know her?
How can you possibly know what she is and is not ready to deal with?

Mooloo is doing the best she can with what she has & quite frankly its a whole lot better than some, some wouldn’t even bother..

I’m rooting for you Mooloo, have read along for a little while now & think that while we can all say what we might (or might not) do in certain circumstances, at the end of the day its your life and only you can make decisions that effect it.
Life can be a real pile of carp, you are showing Dgd that you make the best of it and she will grow up stronger for it. So many children these days are wrapped in bubble wrap and told that life is all sunshine and unicorns, its then a real shock when they discover it’s really not!
I so hope the outcome will be a positive one for you all.. wishing you all the best!

Savvy_sewing

*max* wrote: »

Thinking of her as a "young lady" is a dangerous mindset. You will unwittingly make her deal with things she is not intellectually or emotionally ready to deal with at her age.

In your opinion.
I am aware she is a "Child".

Oh wouldn't life be great if we could all keep our innocence.

I didn't choose this life. But it is our reality.
She doesn't necessarily have to fall in to bad ways just because someone else has.
Your assumption.
We will just have to deal with our reality.

LKRDN_Morgan

MadamMim2013 wrote: »

That is highly presumptuous, do you actually know her?
How can you possibly know what she is and is not ready to deal with?

I dare say it’s because she’s 11. Can’t even go to the cinema unaccompanied but emotive decisions like this she can deal with? I don’t think so

hb2

The reality is that the situation Mooloo's family is in at the moment is very far from ideal. But that is where they are and the best Mooloo can do now is look at the 'least worst' plan of action, taking into account the facts as they are perceived.

Artytarty

That's just it though,
This probably is not the least worst plan.
In my opinion!