I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

Savvy_sewing

I'm about to take a cuppa out in to the garden. I did my 30 minutes of the lawn and have a quick wash on the line and another in the machine. I am going to attack some of the stacking boxes in Dgds room so I thought I would have a cuppa first.
I have a magazine just arrived in the post so I plan to have a little read and take my mind off things if I can.
I already know that the mothers family have been ruled out of the equation and that time is not on my side as the worker had to have his recommendation in yesterday in time for the judge before the case on the 2nd. So only 10 days away . I realise it will not be all done and dusted on that day, but I know from past experience once the recommendation is in it's moved forward quickly.
So I am hoping that it will be aftermy holiday with Mum in August and the shop will be empty and shut.
I hope anyway

carly

If you do not tell DS then won't you be putting DGD in a very difficult position? You have already mentioned the situation to her and if you don't tell DS then she either has to become complicit in the deception or she tells him when she knows that you don't want him to know.
DS is bound to find out that Biggest and your mum also know, so how is he going to feel knowing that he is the last to find out what is planned for his children.

*max*

I agree with Carly. And as much as you are acting like this is your fight and not his, it IS his. They are HIS children - not yours.

Also will SS consider the fact that if you have custody of the children, they will essentially continue living with him, since you will not be throwing him out? So you will have all the responsibility, and he will have all the advantages and ONCE AGAIN, not have to take any responsibility for HIS children or his life?

And what happens when he has another one, or more (because he will!)? Will you take them in too? Are you going to end up being 80
looking after teenagers, or even babies, if the same happens with DGD, or even those boys? History repeats itself. If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, you cannot expect a different result.

This is awful to admit, but I hope neither you nor the other family end up getting custody. Those boys deserve a chance to grow up with people who can give them a good, stable life and a good example to follow as they grow up, without constant drama and emotional turmoil. But of course, chances of that happening are slim.

dreaming

Well, hopefully you have found a few minutes to relax. The weather is gorgeous so make the most of it. I didn't realise the time was so tight but you still need to try to find some quiet time. I agree with some of the comments about who gets told about this. I appreciate you probably needed to speak to someone for your own peace of mind but do think it will seem to DS that everyone is ganging up and deciding his life for him. Not that he seems to have made much effort himself to improve his life or even engage with discussions about how to go about it. As others have said I feel he is likely to repeat the same mistakes over again. However, you can only deal with reality not the what-ifs and wishes, and you can only do what you think is right, no matter what the rest of the world says. But it still might be worth going back to SS and asking for more information/help.

Savvy_sewing

I don't want to compromise Dgd, etc but it was definitely important to explain to her that the possibility of the boys being with us was quite high and fairly imminent if the court decides in our favour. I understand that she is only 11 1/2 but she is quite sensible and has always been aware of the unusual situation we have found ourselves in.
I will tell DS tomorrow that the Social worker called me and that I think they are going to be doing this, but I don't know exactly how to tell him.
My thoughts were that I needed to tell him but as I said others in the family say don't hence my quandary.

I realise that I am not young anymore Thankyou for reminding me, but I am only 58 next month and not already on my deathbed.
I didn't think I could bring up Dgd, and no it has not been easy or straight forward, but I wouldn't change my decision for anything, and I have coped (mostly), and I am still standing and Dgd has as stable a life as I can give her, she doesn't see all my issues that I discuss here.
What I write here is only how I perceive things at the time of writing.
But actually when it all boils down to it, nobody can predict the future really, we can only best guess, and I am far healthier now than I was 10 years ago. I am actually improving still, and can cope for longer walking then I could before I was ill.
My sanity is stable now I am on the antidepressant and have been doing the meditation and hypnosis.
Yes I will want help occasionally from family, but I do know that could be few and far between. I am well aware DS May have other children with another woman, but Twin1 has gone on to have two with her partner and they are fine. So history has not repeated itself the way you suggest. Just because her Mum was duped by the romance doesn't mean that Dgd will be. I find that a little insulting to be honest. But if she does end up then we would deal with that if it happens, but basically saying it's enevitable is unfair.
Further down the line I may find it difficult, but I am intelligent enough to know that I can get help, and that if I need child care like I did before I will budget accordingly.
I would expect that DS will move out, and probably never pay back his debts, and may still have caps in his life, but also he may actually grow up and knuckle down as he has been trying to do since he moved here 3 months ago.

Right time for me to get back to sorting out old toy boxes etc. Another bag finished, another wash on the line and in the machine, but the lawn mower charger is not full yet so may be tomorrow before I do more in the garden.

surveyqueenuk

Mooloo wrote: »

Just because her Mum was duped by the romance doesn't mean that Dgd will be. I find that a little insulting to be honest. But if she does end up then we would deal with that if it happens, but basically saying it's enevitable is unfair.

Rather than saying 'Oh, we'll deal with it', how about 'I'll do everything in my power to make sure this doesn't happen'?

Of course it isn't inevitable that DGD will follow the examples set to her by the adults in her life but from a sociological perspective, there is a high chance that she will.

Youths do not wait until they are 16 years old, IYKWIM. They never have done and they never will. I certainly didn't and neither did most of my peers. Youths do it when they decide to. 11.5 yo is not too young for the sex chat. It is not too young to learn about contraception. So have these conversations with her and keep having them. Make damn sure that DGD knows she can tell you about boys. And when boys do appear on the scene, tell her that as soon as she wants the pill or a LARC, you will be happy to take her to the GP. Ensure she has some condoms and ensure she knows what to do with them.

I apologise if this is uncomfortable reading and I promise that it is not my intention to insult.

just_trying

Okay, I'll say what I think.

Moo, I've followed this for a while and I know you took offence to my last comment, sorry. No harm was meant, I just wanted you to think from what could happen.

I think you should sit your son down and tell him the truth, he's going to find out. It'd better you telling him than him finding out elsewhere were it could cause arguments. It doesn't mean he has to move out. You'll be the children's main carer.

I completely understanding you wanting to look after your grandchildren, you've got a secure loving home and you can look after them.

NeilCr

I follow Mooloos's "adventures" but don't normally post on the thread - as it is quite personal

However. And with some details changed for privacy reasons

My partner who is older than you Mooloo has her son and young granddaughter living with her. The son works long hours so my partner is, in effect, doing much of the parenting. One of the things she always says to me is that she is hugely aware of the age gap between the two of them - and that comes from both sides. As we will all know young children can be very tiring - and my partner worries about the effect on the child of being mostly bought up by someone so much older than her.

And it doesn't get any easier..

It, also, hugely impacts on my partner's social life. We can't do anything on spec - we have to arrange ahead based on son's working pattern and visits to the mother. We missed a comedian we both love because there were no alternative arrangements possible that night. We don't live together and see each other once or twice a week so it's not a major concern for me. But, I am sad that it constrains what she can do so much. And it's not as though the child is older and this will change. This is what it is for her for a number of years going forward.

I know she, also, frets about her other children and grandchildren and feels that she should be more equal with the time she gives them. But, that's hard when you have one living with you.

I think she's amazing with all she does and how she handles it. But, I do feel that, at her time of life, she should be able to have much more freedom

She knew what she was taking on - and agreed to it.

I would say, Mooloo, based on what I see that you should think long and hard about this. And, as others have suggested and I am sure you will, do look at it from the kids point of view.

I, sincerely, hope it works out well for all of you.

Savvy_sewing

I have spoken to DS

We have the children here this afternoon/evening. The baby is asleep just the toddler to go to bed next.

The delivery from Ikea came. We have a sofa bed mostly built just the drawers to finish.

But I am tired and I think I will go to bed early tonight.
Tomorrow is another day.

beanielou

Glad that you have had a chat with DS.