I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

BrassicWoman

Mooloo, it’s a fostering allowance - you lose it if you adopt. I’d call the people at the link I posted for help.

hb2

elsien wrote: »

The social worker appears to be looking at what is best for the boys. Which is his job.
You need to make sure that any decisions look at the bigger picture and considers what is best for everyone, including both DGD and you. Because it is entirely possible that there could be a conflict of interests that can't necessarily be reconciled, blood relatives or not.

I agree with this completely.

I haven't been around long enough to know the background to your situation (although I have picked up a lot over the last 24 hours) so don't feel qualified to give advice. It is a completely horrible situation for you to be in

trix-a-belle

Mooloo
I know you will do what you will either way and some very good comments have been made on both sides. Someone touched on it about exgf won't change her behaviour anytime soon so please factor into your considerations that she will be in your life for many years to come if you do take them on, I'm not sure if some formal provisions or at least warnings could be put in place to manage her?

dreaming

Mooloo, what an awful position to be in. It is very easy to sit outside of the problem and offer well-meaning advice but another thing to be so emotionally conflicted. I'm not at all sure what I would do in your position. Apart from the practicalities about finance, housing etc. I would like to suggest that you find some sort of counsellor to help you make this vital decision. I worry that you have spoken to DGD already as really she is too young to understand the complexity of the situation and only adds more emotional pressure. A professional counsellor could help you sort out what is right for you, although I know it can be costly.
I think others are right though when they say that the boys' parents are unlikely to change (whether you foster the children or not), and this is something you may have to work on accepting. It is hard I know and I have struggled with this in my own situation as no matter how often I "show" eldest how to keep a house clean and tidy (just 20 minutes a day I kept saying), or how often I go and help her tidy (for "help" read"do) I know that within days everything will be piling up again so I have largely backed off and just try to maintain contact via e-mail and the occasional visit/meet for coffee. Different situation I know, but the point I am trying to make is that I had to be the one who changed in the end, not eldest.
I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

Savvy_sewing

trix-a-belle wrote: »

Mooloo
I know you will do what you will either way and some very good comments have been made on both sides. Someone touched on it about exgf won't change her behaviour anytime soon so please factor into your considerations that she will be in your life for many years to come if you do take them on, I'm not sure if some formal provisions or at least warnings could be put in place to manage her?

My very thoughts when I spoke again to my Mum this morning was having to deal with her for the rest of my life. Mind you I have never been duped by her. If she or her mother are to have contact then I would definitely have the courts rule what the contact is and what the consequences will be if either cause emotional harm or distress to the children or me for that matter. I certainly would have to make sure that she was not going to interfere with the way I live and bring them up, and or DS for that matter.
I have been distracted today and not done any sewing only a lesson and fittings. But I have read all the information that was on the link. As I said before with Dgds sgo I am means tested every year, but have never ever had a full fostering allowance and in the beginning I had a fight on my hands to get any funding I think it took six months of legal wrangling so before I agreed anything this time I would expect to have everything in agreement in writing before I agreed and I would not be willing to go straight into an Sgo for both of them.
Although both options allow for different financial help.
If I am granted a Fostering Allowance, then I cannot claim child benefits or child tax credits and would receive the local allowance or possibly the government minimum. Which is £129 and not £146.30.
But I will still be able to claim working tax credits as I do now. If I can still work part time around the children.
Although I am building my workshop it may not be feasible to work in the short term until the children are adjusted and into school and Nursery.
I have already spoken to Dgds old nursery to put the baby on the list, when he is 2 1/2.
But that is another year away.
I doubt that I will be able to work much in that year. Which changes my business plans completely, as I doubt that social would want me to be placing him with a childminder anytime soon.

If they expect me to go for an sgo, then I will try to postpone that until we see if I can actually do this.
But if there is an sgo funding is less and only paid for the first two years and then like Dgd it is means tested.
However if I have sgo then I can claim the child benefits and tax credits. Although that system is changing to universal credits which is less I believe.
I will look on the entitled too Website at the different sinarios.
(Spelling?)

My next move is to find a solicitor I suppose.

beanielou

So glad that you are really thinking about this.
Maybe it is good timing that you wont have the shop & the lease for that to think about for much longer.
As you say the children will have a period of adjustment.

Savvy_sewing

At least I am much fitter than I was when Dgd came and the first boys were in need. I do understand my mortality though. My beloved red convertible will have to go!!
I will need a people carrier. If I am to have them or ever continue to help Biggest. I have upset her as I warned that I would probably not be able to babysit on a Wednesday by September if I have them unless she brings the children to me.
I did not mean to upset her, I was just trying to think of the various problems that will come up, and think of solutions. I am usually a good problem solver, but that is because I look at all the different options in advance if I possibly can.

Savvy_sewing

I am home. Of course my mind is going ten to the dozen.
Luckily DS is not here as he is working and so I don't have to avoid him.
But I don't know how I should approach this, as on the one hand he is fighting for custody and I have been offering support, and now on the other hand I know that social are not going to support that. I of course may still not get the order as it will be down to the judge, and do I tell DS I know the social recommendation or not? I don't want him to be giving up or getting depressed again as he's only just coming out of it.
Yesterday Biggest advised against saying anything, but I am not so sure how I can prepare for them (or the possibility of it,) if I cannot tell him that I am being reassessed etc to have them and that it's been recommended to the courts? I am in a quandary there.

My instinct is to tell him to be prepared but I am not always the wisest and I am going to find it difficult. My next worry is where will he live if the social doesn't want him here? I know from the twins that the boys fathers were not helped and I had to fight for the twins. It's a pity we can't have them here and him helping me as that would be so much easier. How on earth is he going to react to that. I suppose he should eventually be grateful that social are not recommending the mother or other grandmother to be carets, as I think that would have been worse.

I had already planned that all of them would probably have to be with me for a few years so adapting to them being here all the time is a lot easier to imagine than it was last year.

I am home now and need to do a bit more of my lawn while the sun is out. I could do with an extra battery for it so I can have one on charge and one in use. But I suppose it does mean that I can't over do it if I am limited to a 30 minute battery time!

KxMx

Sorry to hear Biggest is upset about the babysitting.

That's not your problem though, she is responsible for childcare for her children, and you've offered a perfectly reasonable solution. Just one that is not as easy for her!

Up to her now if she takes it or not, i would try and cross that one off your worry list

dreaming

Hi Mooloo, This is the reason I suggested counselling for you. I know from experience that when you are "in the thick of it" it is really hard to think things through - especially when you feel you are on your own with this. Even if you have good family and friends, they will all have their own agenda (I don't mean that in a nasty way like jealousy or anything but may be saying what they think you want to hear IYSWIM), and if you are an overthinker (like me) then things go round and round in your head until you feel forced to make a decision. A counsellor could help you "unpick" the situation and reach a decision in a more measured way.
One other thing is that you don't necessarily have to immediately start to act just because of this phone call - although I know how easy it is to feel you have to act when the adrenaline is going. When I look back on mine and eldest's situation over the last few years I realise that some decisions I made weren't necessarilt the best but I really felt I had my back to the wall at the time. It may be that SS are just "testing the water", and for all you know could have done the same to the mother's family . I know you don't have a good opinion of them but I also know (from experience) that SS will explore all options, and often then act on none of them. Maybe you could ask for a meeting with SS to clarify what options there are, and how much involvement they expect the boys' parents to have.
Try to switch off a little and get in the garden. Even just sitting outside with a cup of tea helps me. All the best.