I will cut my coat according to my cloth. {Edited by Forum team} 2019

GlasweJen

I read, don't often post but Mooloo with the best will in the world your son is hopeless and you're the best those boys have. Hell would freeze over before someone took my sisters kids and put them "in the system". I know Portugal will likely now not happen but you don't want to go through losing more grandchildren. Do you even get the letterbox contact with the boys who were adopted?

pollyanna_26

I've expected this would happen as neither parent has done the things needed to deal with their issues and put the boys first.
I know your heart always rules your head Mooloo but if we take away the emotion it's the practicalities that matter day by day when it comes to finances , energy and the many demands of young children on day to day life.


Your mum can't help you physically and unless things have changed Biggest needs you to babysit sometimes for her.


You posted a few days ago about your debt free date and the fact ds and the workshop has put you 5 years behind the date this month when all your efforts early this year including throwing your pension pot to pay down the debt should mean you are now debt free.


The workshop is a business expense so will be cleared by saving on the shop costs. DS will never clear his debt to you.


If you do take on the little ones it will be like going back to "Babies and Bills" when dgd was small. that must have been about 10 years ago and you're ten years older ,still struggling with your health and needing to keep earning a living.


I don't know if Twin 2 gave you a reason why she wants to move closer to you but what do you think the effect will be if you take on her brothers boys while hers went for adoption?


I think you need some space to think this one through. You've said all along you accept you can't take on the boys in the long term . A call from SS and everything changes . It's a big decision and you need to think things through very carefully.


I can't imagine the exgf will just walk away without hassle. What happens if ds fathers another child with the new gf? Lots of things to weigh up Mooloo.
pollyx

supermezzo

I must admit I too wondered about how twin2 would feel? Also, what happens to DS if you take them on? Do you expect him to live with you until the boys are 16? And if so, what happens to the boys if DS decides to move on with a new g/f - you're left with a houseful again?

Bottom line is simple - is staying with you absolutely in the best interest of these children? Not their parents, not you, but them. If so, take them on. If not (and just because they are family it doesn't mean it is best for them), then do what is best for them.

Crap day so my apologies if my post is more blunt that usual - It is not intended to offend or upset, just give another point of view.

WabbitWabbit

I know that at times I may have not agreed with everything.

I do feel that your granddaughter needs you and your attention. Changing school is pretty hard and it can be quite brutal. She is very much going to need you there for her and I don’t think having the boys is good for your granddaughter, grandsons and especially you.
The boys need two loving parents with lots of energy and a safe home for them. (I know they are safe with you)

pollyanna_26

I think supermezzo has hit the nail on the head . The best interests of the children.


Last year when they were with the foster cares they were living in a calm and stable environment . I remember typing about the kindest and most loving thing for them being to let them go to a loving home as ds and the gf were living chaotic lives focused on their own wants.
Considering how young the little ones are they've seen too much and heard too many arguments where mum and dad are concerned.


I doubt ds will pull himself together or exgf will be willing to change her behaviour if the little ones are with Mooloo.


I do understand posters have strong feelings on family situations but going bankrupt if need be to keep children isn't an option for a stable life. Mooloo has been bankrupt under different circumstances and is determined never to be in that position again.


It's a complex and stressful situation which needs careful thought and I don't envy Mooloo .
pollyx

pollyanna_26

WabbitWabbit wrote: »

I know that at times I may have not agreed with everything.

I do feel that your granddaughter needs you and your attention. Changing school is pretty hard and it can be quite brutal. She is very much going to need you there for her and I don’t think having the boys is good for your granddaughter, grandsons and especially you.
The boys need two loving parents with lots of energy and a safe home for them. (I know they are safe with you)

Well you and I got off to a rocky start over Safeguarding but I do agree with most of the points you make here. DGD is very much in my mind too however I'm aware she doesn't want to lose the boys to adoption as she lost "her boys" As I said it's complex.
polly

Babe1

Goodness me, Mooloo:(

I am so sorry that you have been backed into such a tight corner - I know I would want to fight tooth and nail for my nieces/nephews, but this phone call from the SW today was and is, so very unfair!

I did think a few days ago, with DS not wanting to talk about debts; was him and the Boys moving in with you going to be a long term situation. Surely the SW then could see how stretched you are, and alternative accommodation should have been sought, regardless of the debts.

I know the awful cutbacks to benefits and Councils having to make huge savings, but within this situation the person that has had to do the most, and running herself into the ground is you Mooloo.

As Polly has said this is so complex - please, please don't make rash decisions - I know you love those Boys, but somewhere in this you have to put you and DGD first.

Thinking of you - sending you hugs. X

elsien

The social worker appears to be looking at what is best for the boys. Which is his job.
You need to make sure that any decisions look at the bigger picture and considers what is best for everyone, including both DGD and you. Because it is entirely possible that there could be a conflict of interests that can't necessarily be reconciled, blood relatives or not.

kelpie35

Sorry Mooloo you have been put in this situation with the SW.

I do not know what to advise but I do know that you need to look after yourself first, then your DGD.

Please look after yourself.

I am thinking and praying for you at this difficult time.

Savvy_sewing

I have read all the comments.
I understand that My Dreams will not happen in the way I had wanted if I take responsibility for the children.
I immediately talked with Dgd, as soon as I got home, and her words were that although they can be annoying at times she likes having them around and she still would prefer to have them with us forever than loose them like the boys of Twin2.
In the very beginning of last year when the social were first involved and these boys were removed from their home Twin2 told me that she wanted me to keep them if I could as she didn't want anyone else to have to go through what she did. I would expect that she would say the same thing now.
I don't know if she will manage to move closer to home, but if she did she would be doing it under her own and her boyfriends steam not mine. I might help research areas but I am not funding them.
I realise that my business is going to have to change until things like Nursery's and school is sorted, but hopefully it will still be possible to adapt around things.
We are already getting bunk beds so I will manage space wise with a huge declutter of course.
I agree that it is highly unlikely that DS will ever manage to pay me back, but if I do have custody of the children then hopefully I will be entitled to the housing benefits again and the tax credits etc so my financial situation would not be dire. I hadn't thought about the funding from social but there is that possibility. I currently get £107.38 a week for Dgd but it's means tested every year so I never know if it will be taken away each year especially as the council is broke.

I have to go to work this morning, so I will let you know what else later