Caught up in a fight over money

Savvy_Sue

Elinore wrote: »

Ummm not sure. If I stay away after being reinvited ill look like I am snubbing them after an olive branch.

But, i wasn't all that keen to go in the first place so its a great way to get out of it and all the extra expense.

You said earlier you you'd be getting some annual leave back: if it was me and I was re-invited I'd probably find it wasn't possible to re-book the leave or ...

Red-Squirrel wrote: »

Its completely possible that you would have made other plans that you now can't cancel after you were disinvited.

However, for those suggesting that you might not want to prolong the rift, I might manage to send a half-decent wedding present, especially if - I'm guessing - it's the children of the stirrers getting married, rather than the stirrers themselves.

Elinore

Morning all,

The ' Jennifer' poster - It's not a relative, i'm really not sure who they are except they have a weird sense of humor.

It's one of the 20 percent getting remarried. A rather May to December affair

This is one of the reasons i moved down south - my family love a good drama/feud/row and i used to have to expend a tonne of effort quick footing it just to keep myself out of all the goings on. They are inclusive, in that they like to drag everyone from the milkman to the grandkids in.

I love a quiet drama free life and since moving down here i've, on the whole, managed to have one. I am looking to keep it that way!

getmore4less

You didn't give her your money you borrowed it(you had a mortgage that could have been less) for 7 years.

Mortgage rate say between 1.5% to 2.5% over 7 years that's 10.5%-17.5%.
(that's the simple way it's actually more using proper PV calculations)

The 5% bonus does not cover the interest you have been paying on the money you borrowed to give to her.

DrivingMissDaisy

Elinore wrote: »

Morning all,

The ' Jennifer' poster - It's not a relative, i'm really not sure who they are except they have a weird sense of humor.

It's one of the 20 percent getting remarried. A rather May to December affair

This is one of the reasons i moved down south - my family love a good drama/feud/row and i used to have to expend a tonne of effort quick footing it just to keep myself out of all the goings on. They are inclusive, in that they like to drag everyone from the milkman to the grandkids in.

I love a quiet drama free life and since moving down here i've, on the whole, managed to have one. I am looking to keep it that way!

If you really do enjoy drama free life then you just have to do nothing and let others carry on. Be an adult and talk to Jennifer and let her know what's being said and say you want to stay out of all this. She's an adult as well and should be able to take care of this however she wants too.

Ultimately, this is life, no two people will ever look at the same situation in the same way. Once you accept that, there will be no drama

Also, how does one get disinvited from a wedding ? You sent RSVP, what happens they send that back with a REJECTED stamp on it ? Or is there a card for it now ?

moneyistooshorttomention

getmore4less wrote: »

You didn't give her your money you borrowed it(you had a mortgage that could have been less) for 7 years.

Mortgage rate say between 1.5% to 2.5% over 7 years that's 10.5%-17.5%.
(that's the simple way it's actually more using proper PV calculations)

The 5% bonus does not cover the interest you have been paying on the money you borrowed to give to her.

Presumably first line reads "You didnt give her your money - you LENT it"???

OP hasnt borrowed any money.

It's obviously up to OP to make their own decision for themselves how to regard that proportion of the money they lent Aida. So OP should make her own decision on how to treat this for herself and OP's relatives should make their own decision on how to treat this for themselves (neither has the right to say how the other parties that are involved are to treat this).

Though I can still see why the other parties feel OP has "set the tone" - with them having been the majority lender (and, presumably, co-ordinator of the help back 7 years ago) and so it does feel a bit like OP has made their decision for them (ie as well as for herself).

I would say OP needs to find a way to make it plain all round "I make my decision (and no-one else's). You make your decision (and no-one else's)". It may be that the other 6 land up getting some profit from this (because that's what they have chosen) and OP doesnt (because that's what they have chosen). No-one has the right ever to make another adult's decisions for them - either way.

warby68

I just want to say how lovely you sound OP.

To give up ALL your quite considerable house savings with no expectation that you would get any of it back, is an amazing act of kindness.

I don't suppose any of the 20%ers thought to even things up a bit with you as time went on

You clearly have a more loving and rounded approach to life and I don't think I'd be going to that wedding if they paid me lol. What sort of person of mature years takes back an invitation? I hope you can find it comical in time OP.

They do sound a silly, childish, cowardly lot tbh, trying to hide behind you OP and sulking enormously when you won't comply. It wouldn't surprise me if they want to keep their true feelings secret from Aida and get you to actually take the blame for any challenge to her (the wedding scenario where she is still invited does suggest that) and quietly pocket any extra cash.

Stick to your guns OP, the others are trying to move the goalposts. You aren't.

I actually think the trickiest bit here is whether you forewarn Aida or not. She could be quite hurt either way.

moneyistooshorttomention

I think Aida will be more hurt if she goes to the wedding in all innocence and stuff "kicks off" whilst she is there. I very much doubt the wedding would go all smoothly/plain sailing in the event and hence I think Aida must be told (as dispassionately as possible).

She is going to be hurt either way. I don't see how it can be avoided in the event - though someone else may see a way forward on that.

I think she will be more hurt if OP just sees her go to the wedding and then there are ructions at the wedding. It will spoil Aida's day/she will have gone all that way for it/paid for a new outfit for it/etc/etc. She is going to feel betrayed if OP doesnt warn her this is in the offing - and will be thinking "OP knew - why didnt they tell me and just let me get whacked by that out of the blue and they'd given me no indication that was going to happen at all:eek:".

I know I now "have reservations" about a friend that was aware "summat was up" in a different context and let me walk in there all unaware that "anything was up". If I'd known - then I could have avoided going or thought out how to respond. As it was - being caught totally unawares has left me feeling rather upset with the friend for not forewarning me (as I would certainly have told them in reverse).

I'm definitely in the School of Thought that goes "Hit someone out of the way of that speeding car coming towards them - and then apologise to them afterwards that they were winded by my doing so (rather than having stood there and seen them killed by the oncoming car)".

System

Elinore wrote: »

Why is it people choose to misdirect their irritation? I didn't profit, i didn't tell anyone that i made a nice sum of money and i didn't decide who gets what....

However I have, as of this morning, been disinvited to a family wedding. (note - Aida has not been disinvited!)

Now, I'm not that bothered to be fair but as a study in human reaction it just shows how odd people can be.

Ps it's also money saving as the present list was min £50pp as well as the general cost of travel and drinks - bonus! lol

Sigh.

Result - I've often tried to distance myself from weddings. By the time you've factored in a £300 + stag/hen do and £100 for drinks, presents etc. plus accomodation and travel at £150 it's often such an expensive thing.

Pollycat

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Presumably first line reads "You didnt give her your money - you LENT it"???

OP hasnt borrowed any money.

It's obviously up to OP to make their own decision for themselves how to regard that proportion of the money they lent Aida. So OP should make her own decision on how to treat this for herself and OP's relatives should make their own decision on how to treat this for themselves (neither has the right to say how the other parties that are involved are to treat this).

Though I can still see why the other parties feel OP has "set the tone" - with them having been the majority lender (and, presumably, co-ordinator of the help back 7 years ago) and so it does feel a bit like OP has made their decision for them (ie as well as for herself).

I would say OP needs to find a way to make it plain all round "I make my decision (and no-one else's). You make your decision (and no-one else's)". It may be that the other 6 land up getting some profit from this (because that's what they have chosen) and OP doesnt (because that's what they have chosen). No-one has the right ever to make another adult's decisions for them - either way.

I don't think the OP was the coordinator.

Elinore wrote: »

Around the same time the family knew we had savings earmarked for a house deposit so appealed to my soft side. A scheme was hatched where we as a collective bought Aida a static caravan in her local village and we chipped in to pay the ground rent and service charge upfront for a few years (we put up 80 percent of the full costs and the rest of the family put in the rest). She was delighted she only had basic bills to worry about and always promised to pay everyone back...... but I basically wrote the money off.

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

I think Aida will be more hurt if she goes to the wedding in all innocence and stuff "kicks off" whilst she is there. I very much doubt the wedding would go all smoothly/plain sailing in the event and hence I think Aida must be told (as dispassionately as possible).

She is going to be hurt either way. I don't see how it can be avoided in the event - though someone else may see a way forward on that.

I think she will be more hurt if OP just sees her go to the wedding and then there are ructions at the wedding. It will spoil Aida's day/she will have gone all that way for it/paid for a new outfit for it/etc/etc. She is going to feel betrayed if OP doesnt warn her this is in the offing - and will be thinking "OP knew - why didnt they tell me and just let me get whacked by that out of the blue and they'd given me no indication that was going to happen at all:eek:".

I know I now "have reservations" about a friend that was aware "summat was up" in a different context and let me walk in there all unaware that "anything was up". If I'd known - then I could have avoided going or thought out how to respond. As it was - being caught totally unawares has left me feeling rather upset with the friend for not forewarning me (as I would certainly have told them in reverse).

I'm definitely in the School of Thought that goes "Hit someone out of the way of that speeding car coming towards them - and then apologise to them afterwards that they were winded by my doing so (rather than having stood there and seen them killed by the oncoming car)".

This is like shooting the (non) messenger.
Surely the people to be angry with should be the people who 'caught you unawares'.

I think in the circumstances I'd do what the OP feels is best and that is say nothing, don't get involved.
The OP has already been a victim of a petty action by this family for refusing to agree with them.
I'd stay out of it.

happyandcontented

moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »

Presumably first line reads "You didnt give her your money - you LENT it"???

OP hasnt borrowed any money.

I took that comment to mean that because the OP lent her house deposit to Aida she then had to borrow more from the mortgage company to get her house.