taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

WinterWarrior said:

So sorry about your mum, it must be so hard.
also NMs ex...the cheek! It maybe doesn’t cost too much to be kind, but it’s a worry she wants a foothold into his life, even if it’s just for financial gain 😖

Basically yes , i'm just frustrated that he pandered too it and went running off for the chat , I'm not jealous , it doesn't make me insecure its just made me lose a little faith in the conviction of his words , actions speak louder and all that. I'm sure in the long run , it is better if you can both operate in the same circles but it basically hasn't and doesn't make any difference to our world , only hers - basically she got involved with a man that was confrontational and not liked so people stopped using her services as she bought him along but in her eyes its because they prefer NM to her. We haven't really spoken about it and in the brief moments we have its been him reassurring me that he adores me and is not looking back longingly ...............I never thought he was , I just dont like how he jumps at her request !!
We haven't had a great weekend , my night when I had is keys ended up with a lot of disturbed sleep , I couldnt get hold of him to tell him where I'd be leaving them and sent him a message that he didnt read and instead returned my call meaning that I just kept getting woken up - wouldn't be an issue if I could lay in and catch up but I can't due to mum. We then went off to a friends bbq , he had apologised and it was forgotten and i just basically said I dont care what time you come home just next time keep your keys with you ........he was then complaining on the sunday how tired he was and it triggered me since I had had about 3 and a half hours sleep and he had had 8 ! We drove back from our friends in relative silence as he felt I'd tried to humilate him in their company and I felt he had just been insensitive complaining about his tiredness !! Theres still a little air of tension about us , like an elephant in the room that isn't being addressed. I am am overly sensitive right now , i am probably not best balanced and i'm definately having mood swings but I'm starting to wonder if this relationship is the best place for me to be. I can't decide if it is providing me with happiness or just an escape. I guess time will tell. 
We had lunch with my daughter and her partner yesterday and that was ok but I just feel theres an edge gone with our closeness and affection and we are going through the motions rather then anything else.
Mums had a few good days and this morning its the same old with sickness and accidents and i've got a full load of soiled towels and bedding on the go - it gets everywhere and the smell once its under your nose is hard to shift.
I'm not working today , just because I thought an extra day off would be nice , I can't really do much with it as I have still responsibilities here but I will get my car cleaned , get my 2nd covid jab and try and grab a cuppa with a friend.I need to try and find some smiles , they seem to be hard to come by at the moment.

WinterWarrior

Everything seems so hard at the moment. You have a lot on your plate so probably will look at things differently to how you would in calmer times. Be kind to yourself x 

efes_shareholder

good advice and thank you 
I think I'm generally more sensitive and not so relaxed about life as I'm not able to be
I've managed to accumulate a pile of waste to be collected from the garage , guy is coming tomorrow - it really is going to be a challenge to get that sorted so unbeknown to mum im going to ask the waste guy how much to just come and take the majority , its edged in like a jigsaw and its complete rubbish but once the pile i've got is collected is allows for an area to create the next lot and if we can clear some space then it can possibly be gone through , it seems like mum has been using the garage as her own refuse area
I've also got the car cleaned and visited my friend for a cuppa in the garden , I now have sunburnt arms.
I've had some lunch and will shortly go for my jab and the cashpoint to get money to pay for waste removal tomorrow , mum is taking care of this one. 
I need to go to the vape shop as i've knocked the mouth piece of off my ecig , you can buy replacements on amazon but I'm hoping the shops will also do them , actually I may make a quick call and find out but thats a spend for today , was hoping I would get away without

efes_shareholder

didnt get the jab as the queue for the drop in was over 2 hours so after standing in the heat for 40 minutes I had to write it off. I booked an appt as I stood in the queue for next week so at least I know I get done within the time frame  , I did have a cancel but for some reason the NHS cancelled it.
I'm now completely sunburnt !!
Today I've had the gardner round , my uncle visit and also the macmillan team but the biggest win has been a truck load of rubbish removed from the garden and I can now get in the garage and at least start to investigate the further boxes , the boys worked so hard and took so much stuff , it feels so much better to be able to see the bottom of the garden and not look out on discarded rubbish.
My day off was busy , got the car cleaned , picked my perscription up , visited my friend , dropped some of mums outgrown and unworn clothes to the charity shop , went to the cashpoint , had a nap and did a weekly shop.
Today i've received a refund for a cancelled holiday of £235 which can go back in to savings and combined a previous an old pension i'd forgotten until the statement arrived  with my current work place pension.
A positive day I guess but i'm already feeling ready for bed.

Kitten868

I don't know what powers you. It's not food and it's not sleep. You're a miracle woman. You get a day off and you spend it sorting everything out! I'm so pleased for you it's been worth it. I think decluttering is a fantastic plan as it's going to have to be done to achieve your other plans and is a win. Plus getting the garden nice might be nice for your mum. 
I think with NM I think its more of the same your more sensitive and he's thoughtless just not seeing what's going on for you. It's not an excuse. It's useless behaviour. Maybe give your self some space from him for a bit. Could you escape to one of your kids places when you get a night off? 
Sorry your mum is having a tougher time. Well done you on calling in for an assessment. You are so good at this. You are really level headed and great at knowing the right thing to do. I'm proud of you. You're brilliant. 

I can't seem to get anything out of the house at the moment. Just seems to be piling up. And I don't have half of what you've got going on so I'm.very impressed. Could you do Milton in buckets for soiled things? Like when you do cloth nappies? I don't know whether it's whole sheets or what. Just save you dealing with the smell. Also without being insensitive would puppy pads help? Save you doing so many sheet changes? 

Keep on going. You are so strong xxx

Kitten868

Oh and I'm so so happy that your camera investigations turned out as they did. Little memory of it and nothing bad to see. My camera investigation was agony because of endo so I'm very happy to hear you were medicated as I'm sure it would be awful otherwise xxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

Oh and I'm so so happy that your camera investigations turned out as they did. Little memory of it and nothing bad to see. My camera investigation was agony because of endo so I'm very happy to hear you were medicated as I'm sure it would be awful otherwise xxx

I'm pretty sure endo is causing the majority of my problems however since the camera's the pain hasn't been so constant and things have been a lot more regular if you get my drift , so maybe I had some kind of back up that was also contributing.blooming prep took care of that.
Yet to find a GP who will take my endo remotely seriously but so far they have been pretty accurate with whats been going on so i'll just have to trust in the proffessionals and hope the menopause concludes quite soon

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

I don't know what powers you. It's not food and it's not sleep. You're a miracle woman. You get a day off and you spend it sorting everything out! I'm so pleased for you it's been worth it. I think decluttering is a fantastic plan as it's going to have to be done to achieve your other plans and is a win. Plus getting the garden nice might be nice for your mum. 
I think with NM I think its more of the same your more sensitive and he's thoughtless just not seeing what's going on for you. It's not an excuse. It's useless behaviour. Maybe give your self some space from him for a bit. Could you escape to one of your kids places when you get a night off? 
Sorry your mum is having a tougher time. Well done you on calling in for an assessment. You are so good at this. You are really level headed and great at knowing the right thing to do. I'm proud of you. You're brilliant. 

I can't seem to get anything out of the house at the moment. Just seems to be piling up. And I don't have half of what you've got going on so I'm.very impressed. Could you do Milton in buckets for soiled things? Like when you do cloth nappies? I don't know whether it's whole sheets or what. Just save you dealing with the smell. Also without being insensitive would puppy pads help? Save you doing so many sheet changes? 

Keep on going. You are so strong xxx

thank you , you'll make me emotional with your praise , I am just doing what anyone would in this situation , the best I can for someone. I've decided not to focus on the sacrafices I make compared to others around me as it will just wind me up and make the days seem darker , I know occassionally they will rear their head but I'll try to keep a lid on them. I've got a long memory and certainly won't forget and I will be very selective about the time and help I offer those who couldn't do the same for me , all comes down to fountains and drains.
Feel a bit more positive about NM , he is just a man and no offence to any but sometimes they are useless and sometimes they are completely thoughtless , he is very good in terms of support and advice with whats going on at home and he sees my challenges but again unless you are in it yourself its really difficult to completely comphrehend.
Fortunately the NHS provided us with a hospital bed that has a plastic mattress covering so its a case of whipping everything off and giving it a spray over etc , not too terrible really , hadn't considered the milton but its definately an option , I just get everything in the wash as quickly as I can but once that smell is in your nose , it stays lodged for a while.
In terms of your decluttering , just spend half an hour a day accumulating stuff to be gotten rid of , I did this until I had accumulated quite some pile and then called a rubbish removal company but it didnt seem like quite the job doing it in little stages , i could now take some of the smaller stuff to our local dump but thats crammed most days since lockdown as everyone seems to be decluttering during lockdown.

Kitten868

I suspect that you feel better as you're less stressed about your health too. You've taken cancer off the table and everything looks good. Yes you're still in pain but it is reassuring to know it isn't something awful. Not that endo or the menopause are a walk in the park. Have you taken any over the counter medication for menopause to see if it helped? When I had a chemical menopause I found menopace helped but you might like something different. And don't forget they've given you better painkillers that are there for you to take if it gets worse. Just having them is a comfort to me. 
Hope you have a nice day and have something nice planned for the weekend. Even if its just a nap and a load of TV xxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

I suspect that you feel better as you're less stressed about your health too. You've taken cancer off the table and everything looks good. Yes you're still in pain but it is reassuring to know it isn't something awful. Not that endo or the menopause are a walk in the park. Have you taken any over the counter medication for menopause to see if it helped? When I had a chemical menopause I found menopace helped but you might like something different. And don't forget they've given you better painkillers that are there for you to take if it gets worse. Just having them is a comfort to me. 
Hope you have a nice day and have something nice planned for the weekend. Even if its just a nap and a load of TV xxx

Yes , I'm sure peace of mind has some bearing on feeling a bit better in myself.
I'm off to a friends for a bbq/get together on saturday , looking forward to that one.
Hopefully dinner on sunday as NM has suggested he takes me out.