taking responsibilty to get me where I want to be

efes_shareholder

Didnt get my early night  , was dosing off and heard ructions downstairs , had to go down and mum was being sick so had to deal with that and then took some time to shut down. 
Got up this morning to similar scenerio but other end and more sickness but as the day went on she brightens up a bit and regained some appetite.
The dr did come out , mum has a chest infection , because of waiting for the doctor I missed the chance to get rid of some recycling so had to do that in my lunch hour as well as collect my own perscription.
Got my card through for 2nd bank account so need to send some money to that to max the measley interest rates 
Small gains today , found i've put half a stone on since I stopped thinking about calories ............maybe weight loss is stress and also another NSD , again not really through anything other then not being able to go out and spend money !!!

efes_shareholder

so today another NSD , purely because again I can't go anywhere - have also lent my daughter my every day spend c/c as she lost her purse again and needed fuel , its done me a favour really as no impulse shopping. Mums slightly better which is great , sickness is at bay , I'm not , my stomach pain is persistant and I am anxious  and worried over what mondays tests could reveal but also know I need to take the oppurtunity to get some answers ..................if despite the odds of the previous tests there is something sinister at bay , it needs to be found I guess.
Spoke to another dr today who was slightly more open to my perimenopause symptons despite telling me I couldnt be going through it as I'm not yet 50 , hes touching base with me after my tests next week and also said we could look in to some HRT etc  not sure if I am ready for that but it was nice not to be fobbed off. 
also spoke to my regular mortgage guy , my 50% inherited stake would count as my deposit against a mortgage so thats good to know , it means its a possible depending on how much works would cost , there is 1980's artex to get rid off , floors throughout , 2 bathrooms , complete decoration ..........its again doable and I know a lot of tradespeople but I need to also have eyes wide open. He mentioned buying mums house now at a concessionary rate , apparantly its perfectly legal for me to settle the loan , and buy the house now with my mum then giving the purchase cost to my sister , I'm not sure I can talk to her about this though as it seems jumping the gun and insensitive and also who knows if there is time to get it over the line .....................i dont want to pushing a completion document under her nose in her last days and it could go that way.
Sister came in today after a hospital appt herself , i put her in charge of the outstanding scripts and she realised I think just how bum around face the process can be and time consuming , even more so as the chemist was out of stock so she had to go to several........GOOD !  I'm slightly envious that she is now sitting in a resturant for a friday night dinner with my nephew and out to eat again tomorrow , resentful that she can do these things........my own rest days this week ( a whole 36 hours ) will be spent firstly having my procedure prep so thats sunday night on the toilet and then being sedated for monday morning , to be back here tuesday lunchtime ........Do I sound bitter.........off course I do.
I have decided that the next week NM has on a day shift I am going to insist on more evenings , I think if I don't I'm going to end up more resentful then ever

Kitten868

Could you phrase it as you think sister needs the money now? Or you want to make the bathroom easier for mum? Or could you say as you've got the money now you'd prefer to get it all ticked off? Just ideas. I don't think I'd feel comfortable bringing it up either. Would it make buying the house cheaper in regard to the equity loan? 
Being honest you have so much on your plate without starting new house projects so I don't think it would slow that sort of stuff down but I do appreciate how challenging it is to live there. Xxxx

efes_shareholder

Kitten868 said:

Could you phrase it as you think sister needs the money now? Or you want to make the bathroom easier for mum? Or could you say as you've got the money now you'd prefer to get it all ticked off? Just ideas. I don't think I'd feel comfortable bringing it up either. Would it make buying the house cheaper in regard to the equity loan? 
Being honest you have so much on your plate without starting new house projects so I don't think it would slow that sort of stuff down but I do appreciate how challenging it is to live there. Xxxx

I can't do anything in terms of renovation , it would not be fair on mum to have tradesman in and out of the house plus the noise so even if I did escalate the process nothing could be done yet.............it doesn't really feel right to escalate anything , it just feels like stripping her assetts and picking over the bones whilst she is still here. However it was termed I'm not sure it wouldn't be seen that way. I don't think it makes much odds other then there is no estate for debts to be paid from if its done beforehand , I just think also there is a possibility that even if we try and do it and time may dictate its not possible.  Not sure of my sisters financial situation except she lives month to month and doesn't seem to plan , pretty sure whatever she gets will be eaten through within a few years with very little to show for it , it certainly wouldn't be the first time. She was eating out in TGI last night so she can't be that poor , I do know that money talks to her and runs through her fingers so she will be booking holidays etc as soon as she has a fair whack in her account and will never escape the situation she is in.

efes_shareholder

im having a down day 
worn out and tearful and apphrensive of tomorrows procedure where as i was chomping at the bit 6 weeks ago , the fact the pain continues is not a positive in my eyes but hey ho , any time now I should start to take the prep and sit the night on the toilet.
spends today , just short of £8 for baby wipes , sudocream and vaseline and orange juice lol . broke free for home even though NM was busy with his daughters , i just had to get out !! Spontanous tears most of the day , i really am  a misery to be around.
Only one thing has made me smile today , my daughter texted me to say the crazy gf dropped one of her false teeth out of her mouth and before anyone could grab it , the dog ate it - my ex is now pressing against the doggie do bags to see if he can rescue it.....................so so funny , just get a new one , that tooth would have always come out of the dogs bum no matter how much you try and forget it !!

WinterWarrior

What a clever doggie 🐶 
and you’ll feel so much better in a few days when it’s over and done with xx

DancingInTheRain

Hope all goes well tomorrow and you don't have too much of an unsettled night tonight, it's natural to feel a little nervous and anxious. At least this time tomorrow it will be all done.

I did chuckle at the false tooth story but 🤢 to the thought of trying to rescue it, how vile!

Take care x

efes_shareholder

*** long post warning *****

i am still smiling at the yet unlocated tooth.
in my health news i had cameras both ends and it wasnt as bad as i expected , sedation is king as i was aware of my bowel being inspected but when I was in recovery and offered some toast as far as i was concerned i couldnt as my stomach still needed to be investigated .................until I was told I was all done so basically the procedure was carried out without me even knowing but being fully able to converse.I was aware of some discomfort for the bottom end but to my surprise no pain and absolutely no awareness with the top end so a little lesson , dont let your mind go in to overdrive on the experience of other people.
I have gastrisis but no ulcers , bleeding , nothing sinister not even polyps so basically its now looking like im making this pain up , even though off course I know its very real.
By far the worse part was the prep , its beyond awful , I hate to be graphic but to go to the toilet in excess of 15 times in 2 hours and start again the following morning ................I won't and I can't put in to words.
Even more convinced my probs are are down to menopause ( even though doc says im too young) and endo but now i know nothing sinister in my stomach or bowel no longer stressing or throwing money at it.
When you are confronted by cancer and how it can just invade your life it is a challenge not to get weighed down with it when your own health presents problems that mirror its symptons but for now although i have no answers i'll thank the lord and anyone else that i'm not on that pathway.
My neices finally visited this weekend for a takeaway at my mums expense.......golden grandson has arrived for his visit but he is doing his best to help me and be of use.
making the most of my day off following the investigations we went to ikea and costco first , just browsing for NM flat but in my head i was costing up units and wardrobes. We then went for dinner in a turkish place in the area , it was lovely.
This morning I cooked NM his fave pasta bake and a curry and then he decided to tell me that his ex ( of 8 years )has been in contact and wanted to meet for a chat................how do you react? what do you say? We both have quite high profile ex's in our circles , but the difference is , mine has passed away and will never affect our relationship. Part of me is so pleased that he has told me , told her he is going to tell me and discus it with me , the other part me of me is insecure about the motives and thinks you have had nearly 3 years to ask for a "chat". He works security at a lot of the events we frequent and she is a photographer and a lot of promoters have felt they can't have them both at the same event and generally have chosen him above her so he sees this as her incentive to have a chat ,to clear the air to work in the same circles.  I can't lie ,I'm not happy about it at all , i'm grateful that it isnt a a secret meeting and that he has told me about it but i question her motives He says he wants to hear what she has to say , I've said I would never stop him ( although he tells me I have the power too , i wont enforce that ) I'm !!!!!! off with it . I am all to aware that our relationship has been affected with mums illness and he has been so supportive but I don't like the "ex" rolling up wanting a chat. He said himself he wouldn't like it and to be perfectly honest I dont like it at all,but hes told me and not kept it a secret chat ( still took him a few days to tell me , after he had told her he would discuss it with me)
I've told him if he wants to talk to her do so but dont put me down as responsible for the desicsion as it is his  . i've reminded him my ex will never create this situation and he will never have to feel how i'm feeling right now.
Hand on heart , my insecurities are through the roof so I will prepare as I have always done to sail my ship alone

DancingInTheRain

So pleased to hear nothing sinister was found, may be worth raising your thoughts on menopause.
Not sure what to say on the NM/ex situation other than he has been there through some quite heavy times for you (including when you found out about your ex becoming ill send passing away) and he's still around.
I know you're feeling insecure but that's only natural with all you have had going on recently but from what you write in here there's a good relationship going on between you both so I'm sure he wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize that as, you know, you're great! X

WinterWarrior

Fantastic news on the tests, I’m so pleased it went well.
The meeting is horrible, but saying no in any shape or form would lead to resentment. Prove that you trust him and let him have the freedom to do what he chooses without feeling bad. If he is meant for you then he’ll stay with you and all will be well. I’m too old to fight for people now, they have to be with me of their own free will. If the situation was reversed I’m sure you wouldn’t be fussed about meeting an ex, but you would be outraged if told you couldn’t, or were being pressured not to...or I would be anyway. I value my free will after years of being in a very toxic relationship where I had none at all 😖 I’m sure it will just be about work as you say and, although it’s annoying it couldn’t be done over the phone I’m sure it will be fine. He will no doubt come back very pleased that the meeting is over and he has you instead.