husbands left me

suzysue_2

affordmylife. Just a bit!

...and your living proof that we do get through it.

davetrousers

Going to Devon for a few days will be a change of scenery and will enable you to spend some quality time with the kids (they will be upset too).

I hope things get better for you

full-time-mum

Fortunately, I've never been in your situation but that doesn't stop me feeling for you and sending you my best wishes.

I'm not sure I'm in a position to offer advice but here are some thoughts.

Having seen some of the posts on this site, I would suggest that it is really really important that you make sure any joint accounts closed so that he can't run up debts that you would be jointly liable for - this seems to be a common theme above! Get your wages paid in somewhere else so he doesn't have access.

I think my first port of call would be citizens advice. I would also sit down and write down your statement of affiars so that you know exactly where you stand and where your problems are going to be. Has OH suggested any offer of financial support or has he just BGed off?

Seriously consider taking the anit-depressants for a short while, they will help to keep you on an even keel whilst you get over the shock and get your head/finances/practicalities sorted. I never liked the idea when I was prescribed them but the 6 months I took them gave me a window to sort things out. I found that they stopped the real lows and the real highs so that I got off that rollercoaster of emotions.

I'd also say that it is really important to talk to your children. Find out how they feel and tell them how you are feeling. They need to know that it is ok to be angry/sad/upset and that you have these feelings too but they also need reassurance that you are not going to leave them too and that both you and their father still love them. Your oldest child should be able to support you as well as you him/her and don't be afraid or too pround to ask or accept help offered from friends.

Secure your position - book your citizens advice, call your bank and maybe change the house locks - and then go and enjoy your trip to Devon.

helen81_2

Sending hugs to you and your children right now. I felt very sad reading your post,how awful you must be feeling. I havn't experienced what your going through but I really wanted to post anyway,just to show my support and to encourage you to find the strength to pick yourself up best you can.

Go to Devon,spend some quality time with the kids,tell them how much you love them and you'll always be there for them. Don't slag their dad off infront of them.

Hope you start feeling a little better really soon
Helen x

Kimitatsu

Hi Jamangie

I have been where you are, and I appreciate that rigth now everything seems bleak and all you can see is the blackness of the long tunnel in front of you. But there is light at the end of that tunnel, and you will make it out of the other end stronger, more confident, and still a brilliant mum who adores her kids.

All good advice in here, seek legal advice from the CAB, register with the CSA, speak to the tax credits people and any other departments you need to now, for many there are delays in processing applications at the moment.

Take your kids down to Devon, if only for them, it takes them out of their home environment and gives them the chance to focus on something else whilst the fact their Dad has left sinks in.

Give yourself time to grieve, no matter how unhappy any marriage is and whatever the reasons for your split it still hurts, and is raw for some time. I used to put my kids to bed, sit in the back garden and weep, not because I wanted him back, but I needed to let the emotions out so that I could help my kids deal with theirs.

Take each day at a time, get out of bed every morning and sort the kids out, and before you know it you will have got to a week, the weeks soon turn into months and before you know it it wont hurt so much. Learn to love yourself because that way you can give the best of yourself to your kids, just because he has left does not make you at fault or unlovable - it is his loss not yours.

Remember every morning you are a fantastic mum, a wonderful person, and someone that all of us on here already want to know better. Take care of yourself and make time for yourself, take each day at a time because we are all here to give a helping hand when needed

Hugs
xx

Jamangie

thank you all so much
iknow you'll think me bad but i cant go to devon i can't bear to see all those happy families.
He's been round today to see the kids I dont know where he's staying he said he was sure yesterday and now he's confused again and thinks he might be being hasty.
I feel like there's some hope but i don't want to feel that just to come crashing down again i'd rather do all my crashing at once.

thanks to everyones advice about emptying the bank account but we are overdrawn lol .it has helped this afternoon to find out about financial things like i'm not liable for his credit cards etc it made me feel a bit more in control.

He suffers from depression which is what i think the problem is but he doesnt he just says he doesnt love me anymore.
thanks again to everyone it is really helping

mookiandco

Re: joint bank account - take a print out of statement showing how much you are overdrawn by as of today. This may assist in future when wrangling over finances.

Re: The home - if the home is in joint names, you cant change the locks.

Re: going to the CAB - If you are on a low income, you are more than likely entitled to legal aid. I would suggest that you make an appointment to see a solicitor. The CAB can only do so much, especially if things get complicated about finances etc. Better to see a solicitor and tell your story once then keep having to repeat it. I know solicitors get bad press (sometimes with good reason) but we are not all bad. Clients often say its a weight of their shoulders once they have had the opportunity to tell their story.

Take each day as it comes. You will get through this. I wish you lots of luck and happiness.

suzysue_2

Hiya Jamangie,
Nobody will think badly of you. I can understand why you don't want to see happy familes right now. You have to be kind to yourself first so you can deal with what's going on.
Take care of yourself and make sure you eat!
XXX

Jamangie

suzysue I know you are right about the eating my son has got me some complan to drink because i cant eat it would make me sick I am already underweight due to the stress of his depression.

I'm one of them people who cant eat if i'm stressed i have this awful knot in my stomach
I am feeling a bit better tonight but i dont think it will last i think the wine has helped.
I'm 40 and on my own with 4 kids a stressful full time job and all my dreams are over

MXW

Jamangie wrote: »

suzysue I know you are right about the eating my son has got me some complan to drink because i cant eat it would make me sick I am already underweight due to the stress of his depression.

I'm one of them people who cant eat if i'm stressed i have this awful knot in my stomach
I am feeling a bit better tonight but i dont think it will last i think the wine has helped.
I'm 40 and on my own with 4 kids a stressful full time job and all my dreams are over

Your life is NOT over, it's just about to begin! I know exactly how you must feel........been there, done that.......as they say. When my ex left me, I ate nothing for 2 weeks, so I know what you mean about the knot in the stomach! IT WILL GET BETTER!!!! I had all the feelings that you now feel...but there is light at the end of the tunnel! It's not easy, i,m not going to pretend it is, but you have to take control of your own destiny. Don't be so hard on yourself, you sound like a wonderful person! Focus on your children and their well being if that helps, that's what I did. At the end of the day if you have children, you have to get out of bed in the morning, take care of them, wash, iron, cook, clean..........that's what kept my sanity! I wish I could do more for you because I truly know how you feel...but be sure of one thing....it is not the end of the world..........you have 4 fantastic children who love you and need you..that will get you through it, I promise. You are not on your own. xxxx