Two x full time working parents - effect on child

Mojisola

Pollycat wrote: »

My friend complains that her partner won't cook when the reality is he doesn't know how to.
Has she shown him?
No, she hasn't.
Life would be so much easier for her if she'd just make the effort to show him the basics instead of expecting him to know.

Pollycat wrote: »

After a medical condition, logical reasoning doesn't come easily to him.
He needs to be shown, not pointed at t'internet.

That's a special case and would have been worth noting in your first post.

Candyapple

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

I have asked many times, for instance I'll ask him in the morning to defrost the bolognese so we have food and he doesn't do it. Or I ask if he can make dinner and he gets stressed because he doesn't know what to cook. Or he does cook and its fish fingers and chips. Just as well I love fish fingers!

Are you for real? No wonder you are so angry! How old is your OH? An easy solution to this would be meal planning together. That way you have a set menu for each night of the week and then he doesn’t have to get stressed about what to make. Anyone can look for a recipe online, buy ingredients for it and cook it following instructions.

I think I remember in your other thread that you were planning to get gastric surgery done, this will also possibly help you to lose weight as you can both plan healthy meals and not processed rubbish such as fish fingers and chips.

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

Unfortunately housework seems to be an issue for OH. I have really bad fingers/hands and so I asked him to take on more cleaning. He just didn't do it, he'd forget! or say I had to make him a cleaning rota (I'm not sure why I had to do it, there's plenty of info on the internet). It got to the point where I was tearing my hair out so I got a cleaner in once a week. It's the only way I can guarantee I can come home and not cry at how dirty my house is.

How do you “forget” to clean? A grown man needs a cleaning rota in his own house? That is embarrassing and pathetic.

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

OH has made jokes before about being lazy and wanting to stay home, ie jokingly said I don't want to get a job. It totally gets my back up and I have no idea whether there is any truth in that because he has said since I'm not lazy, I do want to work. I think because he's said it a few times it's stuck in my head. If it's a joke, it's not funny.

There is a famous Maya Angelou quote that comes to mind “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”.

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

maybe he's afraid of the future and stressed about it. I personally can't understand it as I'm a totally different person, I believe in trying whereas if he doesn't think he can do something he won't even try. I had to force him to apply for some graduate schemes because he just didn't do it, I don't think its laziness, I think it's depression.

The more you post about him, the more he sounds like a man child. Doesn't cook (apart from bung in the oven food), clean, doesn't want to work, you even had to mummy him into applying for graduate schemes! And you want to bring another child into the mix? Sounds like you have far bigger issues to tackle first.

Have you ever discussed couple’s counselling? It may do him good to hear how you are feeling towards him and to discuss your built up resentment.

If your OH is depressed, then why doesn’t he do something about it? Does he think he is depressed, or is it just an observation on your part? You’re not his mum. His happiness is not your responsibility.

Pollycat

Mojisola wrote: »

That's a special case and would have been worth noting in your first post.

Then I apologise for the omission.

Scorpio33

Both of my kids went to nursery full time (7:30 am - 5:30pm) from about a year old.

The advantage of that is that when they started school, they were used to the routine and could cope better starting school and it also made them more independent, more able to cope being apart from mum and dad. It also meant that they made friends before school, some of which they then had at school.

However, the issue here is not the effects on the kids. The issue is a communication one between you and your other half. You don't want him to be lazy and use the child as an excuse not to get a good job. He doesn't want a good job.

You need to talk with 100% honesty with him, for the sake of your relationship. To be blunt, your entire future is at stake. With me, my wife had issues for years which I knew nothing about. When she finally plucked up the courage to talk about them, I was willing to change and she says she has noticed a change. However, it is all too late, there is too much resentment and we are now seperated, for something I knew nothing about until recently.

Please please please talk to your other half honestly about EVERYTHING (Debt, his attitude, money, work, everything)

ohbumstoitall

Candyapple wrote: »

Are you for real? No wonder you are so angry! How old is your OH? An easy solution to this would be meal planning together. That way you have a set menu for each night of the week and then he doesn’t have to get stressed about what to make. Anyone can look for a recipe online, buy ingredients for it and cook it following instructions.
I'm 29, he is 28. Until he was 23 he lived at home with his mum who is an utter control freak and did everything. Whereas I lived alone when my son was born and did it all myself from about 22, and before that I was a student etc. We've done a meal plan for this week, he's in charge of dinner tonight as I've got an essay to write. He's also in charge of it tomorrow (he's supposed to be making a chicken pie) and then Thursday and Friday it's freezer food.

I think I remember in your other thread that you were planning to get gastric surgery done, this will also possibly help you to lose weight as you can both plan healthy meals and not processed rubbish such as fish fingers and chips. Well it will definitely save money as I won't be able to eat!!

How do you “forget” to clean? A grown man needs a cleaning rota in his own house? That is embarrassing and pathetic. Well, he forget to clean but definitely remembered to play Fifa.

There is a famous Maya Angelou quote that comes to mind “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”.

The more you post about him, the more he sounds like a man child. Doesn't cook (apart from bung in the oven food), clean, doesn't want to work, you even had to mummy him into applying for graduate schemes! And you want to bring another child into the mix? Sounds like you have far bigger issues to tackle first. I don't think he is a manchild as he does do the laundry, the dishwasher, walks the dogs in the morning most days.

Have you ever discussed couple’s counselling? It may do him good to hear how you are feeling towards him and to discuss your built up resentment. Yes but he's embarrassed to go

If your OH is depressed, then why doesn’t he do something about it? Does he think he is depressed, or is it just an observation on your part? You’re not his mum. His happiness is not your responsibility. I don't know is the answer to that, he tells me he is depressed but can't work out why or what is affecting him. He doesn't really like to talk to me to be honest or maybe he just can't open up

Maybe I'll just try the rota thing and see what happens

FBaby

However, the issue here is not the effects on the kids. The issue is a communication one between you and your other half. You don't want him to be lazy and use the child as an excuse not to get a good job. He doesn't want a good job.

That seems to be the conclusion to and as you said OP, you need to figure out if it is due to laziness or lack of confidence, although the latter doesn't explain the lack of housework he seems to be prepared to do...

sooty&sweep

Hi

Firstly he needs to find a job ! What would he do if the job available is fulltime ? Unfortunately you sometimes don't get a choice you have to work the hours required !

The other thing to consider is what would he do with your child if he picked him up from school.
My children went to after school club so an opportunity to play out if the weather is good and if not play board games, Lego, colouring the list was endless.

However when they came home straight from school they made a b line for the TV or X Box.
Personally my children benefited from after school club. They'd complain about going & request to be picked up early and when I did they'd complain about that because they were in the middle of something ! Or I'd end up hanging around 15 minutes whilst they finished something off.

In my house my husband rarely cooks and if he does he requires step by step instructions ! On the other hand he has jobs that are his & he wouldn't expect me to do.
We all have our strengths & so we try to play to those strengths rather than dividing everything 50 / 50 !

Jen

z1a

I think OP's very selfish, she should get an evening job as well, then her OH can have more quality xbox time!

ohbumstoitall

z1a wrote: »

I think OP's very selfish, she should get an evening job as well, then her OH can have more quality xbox time!

I hope to god you are joking, I couldn't work two jobs!!!

DevilsAdvocate1

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

We don't bicker - we've had a brief series of arguments about it whilst DS has been a his grandmas. We're good at not carrying over tension once DS is home. And I don't resent him, I'm working on my attitude towards money.

For clarification I love my OH very much.

But what about your child? You've mentioned money and how you don't think looking after your child is contributing. Would you child be happy in afterschool clubs every day and presumably holiday clubs in the (many) school holidays.

I remember collecting my son from school once, taking him to the beach for an hour and then to his nana's before coming home for tea. Just as we got home we saw another boy coming out of the afterschool club and my son commented that he felt sorry for him as he was there everyday and didn't have the chance to go to football and swimming.

What sort of life do you want for your child?