Two x full time working parents - effect on child

ska_lover

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

I hope to god you are joking, I couldn't work two jobs!!!

Surprisingly may people do - it's really not that big a deal, at one point I had three jobs, temporarily to get us out of a blip - loads of people work more than one job and folk decades older than yourself

Pollycat

Mojisola wrote: »

If he knows how to use google and youtube and read cookery books, why doesn't he make the effort to learn the basics?

Some people need to be shown how to do things, by a real person standing next to them, answering questions.
That's how they learn best, not watching a screen.

It's not always as simple as reading a cookery book and getting on with it.
Sometimes when you're following a recipe, it doesn't look right.
Some people - especially those with no clue at all - need reassurance that the gloopy mess that's in the pan will really turn out to be delicious.

My point was, if I was the OP and really wanted my OH to do things, I'd invest the effort to ensure he knew what to do.
And if that meant showing him rather than referring him to Google, then that's what I'd do.

ohbumstoitall

ska_lover wrote: »

Surprisingly may people do - it's really not that big a deal, at one point I had three jobs, temporarily to get us out of a blip - loads of people work more than one job and folk decades older than yourself

Sorry, I didn't mean it in a "I'm not prepared to work two jobs". It's in my employment contract and I also wouldn't be able to do it as I'm studying in the evenings and I have to make trips to London frequently. I have muchos respectos for people who do work two.

ohbumstoitall

Pollycat wrote: »

Some people need to be shown how to do things, by a real person standing next to them, answering questions.
That's how they learn best, not watching a screen.

It's not always as simple as reading a cookery book and getting on with it.
Sometimes when you're following a recipe, it doesn't look right.
Some people - especially those with no clue at all - need reassurance that the gloopy mess that's in the pan will really turn out to be delicious.

My point was, if I was the OP and really wanted my OH to do things, I'd invest the effort to ensure he knew what to do.
And if that meant showing him rather than referring him to Google, then that's what I'd do.

But......that's how I learned. I was never show how to do anything, I learned. My mother had PND basically for all of my teenage years (spacing of children) and I didn't know how to do anything. I couldn't cook, do laundry - nothing!
And to be fair I do show him how to do things if he asks.

ohbumstoitall

DevilsAdvocate1 wrote: »

But what about your child? You've mentioned money and how you don't think looking after your child is contributing. Would you child be happy in afterschool clubs every day and presumably holiday clubs in the (many) school holidays.

I remember collecting my son from school once, taking him to the beach for an hour and then to his nana's before coming home for tea. Just as we got home we saw another boy coming out of the afterschool club and my son commented that he felt sorry for him as he was there everyday and didn't have the chance to go to football and swimming.

What sort of life do you want for your child?

No, I didn't say that looking after DS wasn't contributing - it does but I don't think putting him in front of the television whilst my OH plays games on his laptop really counts.

Putting him in front of the TV whilst OH cooks dinner or does housework would count, but as it happens I cook dinner when I get home and that's not always by choice. It's because OH hasn't defrosted any of the batch meals (even though I've asked). I have a chest freezer FULL of bolognese, chill, curries - all he has to do is heat it up and cook rice. But he "forgets".

As it happens DS really enjoys after school club, he plays games with other kids, he makes things with Hama beads etc. All the sorts of things he wouldn't do if he came home. So I don't worry about that TOO much however I do also appreciate that going out after school to the beach like you said is probably more stimulating.

WibblyGirly

I think the problem is your husband went from having his mum do everything to moving straight in with you. He should have lived on his own for a year or so.
I can also understand your attitude to your money as I'm sure I'd be the same if I was working full time, doing all the cooking whilst studying whilst Husband plays games and doesn't want to get a job.
I had an ex that never did laundry, the one time he did it, he did it incorrectly! He was also looked after by his mum who did everything for him.
He needs to sort himself out as it doesn't sound like he'll be a great role model for your son to look up to as he grows up.

Pollycat

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

But......that's how I learned. I was never show how to do anything, I learned. My mother had PND basically for all of my teenage years (spacing of children) and I didn't know how to do anything. I couldn't cook, do laundry - nothing!

But......that's not how everyone learns (or is able to learn).
As per my first sentence in the post you quoted:

Pollycat wrote: »

Some people need to be shown how to do things, by a real person standing next to them, answering questions.

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

And to be fair I do show him how to do things if he asks.

Maybe he's reluctant to ask as you've already said 'there is a circle of resentment'.

In fact, from your posts there seems to be a lot of anger and resentment in your relationship in a number of areas.

travelman86

This to me seems to be turning into a witch hunt towards the OH.


The debt accumulated over the last couple of months would equate to an annual salary after tax - that's the real issue here.


The pressure lies from that action, I would suggest trying to sort out ASAP.


A lot of bitterness is coming across from him not pulling his weight (which isn't acceptable on his behalf) - but ultimately its the debt that's has caused the need for 2 full time wages.

Fireflyaway

I worked part time until my child started secondary school. My opinion is its important to spend time with young kids if you want to pass on your values etc. Otherwise they develop all their habits and behaviour from others. That's OK if you really trust your child carer but in know I wanted a strong part in my child's development. I didn't want to leave that to a 18 year old nursery worker. Especially if they have problems at school or fall out with a friend. I look back and remember the security of knowing my mum was there at the school gate and wanted the same for my child.
Also your happiness. If you work all day and especially if you are resentful they will pick up on that. It goes by so quick too. Don't get 10 years down the line and have regrets.
I also think it depends on the child. I know a child whose parents both worked really long hours. She was so miserable and would be rude and aggressive to the nanny because she didn't want her, she wanted her parents. On the other hand an old colleague of mine used to get so upset because upon arriving at the childminders house after work, her son would cry because he didn't want to leave the childminders!

CapricornLass

If your son is happy at his afterschool club, then I don't think I would worry too much. It sounds a much better option than coming home and just sitting down to watch television or play on an X-box.

WRT evening meals, my husband is useless at deciding what to cook (as opposed to cooking it). I could leave him with two freezers, a stuffed fridge and overflowing cupboards, and he would still greet me when I came in from work with 'I didn't know what to cook'. It drove me mad. You can try the menu for the week option, but if that doesn't work, then what you might have to do is to take out the main part of your meal from the freezer in the morning and leave it to defrost somewhere cool during the day. And if you've taken it out to defrost, he can hardly claim that he's 'forgot' to do it, can he?

Alternatively, does your cooker have an automatic timer option? If the main part of the meal is largely heated through by the time you get in, then that would only leave you the pasta/rice/potatoes and veg to do.