Two x full time working parents - effect on child

lika_86

Sorry, I've only just noticed your username OP. In light of the situation you posted about on the DFW board, I think you need to be honest with your husband about the extent of your debt, which is £10k more than he knows it is. Maybe if he was aware of the full situation it might make him reconsider of his own accord his proposal to stay at home.

ohbumstoitall

peachyprice wrote: »

I don't think it matter which way around you do it, you child is still going to be living in a home full of resentment and bickering. Either you'll resent your OH for not 'pulling his weight' or he'll resent you for forcing him to work full-time when he doesn't want to.

Either way is a lose/lose for your child.

We don't bicker - we've had a brief series of arguments about it whilst DS has been a his grandmas. We're good at not carrying over tension once DS is home. And I don't resent him, I'm working on my attitude towards money.

For clarification I love my OH very much.

ohbumstoitall

lika_86 wrote: »

How much in debt are you? How long will it take to pay it off if you're both working compared with only you working?

You need to work that out and then look at your priorities. If you both working but paying for clubs etc means it takes only marginally longer to pay off the debt then you might decide it's better for your son to have more quality time with his dad for the sake of a little longer in debt.

However, you need to make it work if he doesn't work. If you're working full-time then you can expect to come home to your dinner made and the house cleaned. On weekends of course you can share the cooking, but in the week, his job is as a househusband when he isn't working. So if you do 9-5 then he fills those hours with work and housework. He needs to understand that that's the deal if you do go down that route.

That is a good perspective, I hadn't thought about it that way. Doesn't always come down to numbers I guess!

ohbumstoitall

lika_86 wrote: »

Sorry, I've only just noticed your username OP. In light of the situation you posted about on the DFW board, I think you need to be honest with your husband about the extent of your debt, which is £10k more than he knows it is. Maybe if he was aware of the full situation it might make him reconsider of his own accord his proposal to stay at home.

Ugh, was trying to avoid that. But you are right

ska_lover

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

I also unfortunately have an attitude of my money is my money

If a man said this on here, he would be castrated! You guys are a team. It is not about your earnings and his - it's family cash.


Looking after children has huge value that seems to be completely missed here

I do have quite old fashioned views on childhood I admit - (sorry this isn't meant to offend anyone.)


Childhood is more important than income. Kids need to know who their parents are. Leaving them in childcare for 10 hours a day sounds grim to me, and , means that other people are literally bringing up your kids, you have little day to day involvement at all other than at weekends. I would even go as far as to wonder why do people have kids if this is their idea of a childhood?


If you feel you both need to be employed full time - How about an arrangement like the poster further up the thread (haras_nosirrah) who seems to have more of a balance - her and her partner working opposite shifts so there is someone there for the kids - that seems a great compromise to me.


From the title of the post OP, ''Two x full time working parents - effect on child '' shows you realize that this lifestyle of 50 hours a week in childcare, breakfast club, school, afterschool, you seem to have doubts that it may have a negative effect on your child yourself hence your post.


Your kids are only little once, and whilst we can only try our best and do what we think is right at the time, you don't want to regret missed things with them when they are older - and it is horrible feeling your parents are strangers, trust me


Edited to add - There is a lot more to this than meets the eye.....I mean you cannot be serious that you feel it is unfair to share your money but expect him to share thousands of pounds of your debt?

Pollycat

Pollycat wrote: »

You need to talk to each other - and not just about if part-time work would work for you and your child.

Given the post by lika_86 and a very quick look at one of your threads on the DFW board, I think the above is even more relevant.

That's the only comment I'm going to make on your financial situation (which - imho - has a lot to do with your reluctance to agree to your OH going part-time).

Primrose

As others have hinted there are no right or wrong answers.
However in your situationI would make it your No 1 priority to clear your debts as quickly as you can. Owing large sums of money is an insideous pressure on any relationship over time and often forces people into making decisions which are not necessarily sensible for the long term.

Work together on a plan for clearing your debts as the first priority. Once this is done you will have the luxury of making any other domestic decisions without the feeling of having a loaded pistol pointed at your head.

ohbumstoitall

ska_lover wrote: »

Edited to add - There is a lot more to this than meets the eye.....I mean you cannot be serious that you feel it is unfair to share your money but expect him to share thousands of pounds of your debt?

Huh? I don't expect him to pay my debt. I never have.

OH has his debt - he pays his
I have my debt - I pay mine

thorsoak

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

Huh? I don't expect him to pay my debt. I never have.

OH has his debt - he pays his
I have my debt - I pay mine

But it's your debt that is causing you all the anxiety, isn't it? You are going to have to be totally honest about the situation - you are starting to deal with it, but if your relationship is going to last, you have to be honest with each other. What you should have been saying in your first post is "my job, my money - my debt".

Talk to each other - please.

Candyapple

From your other thread you said you had 4 months to try and tackle the Amex debt without taking money from the household pot, and that your income was about £1.2k and your partner's was roughly the same, but it was also made up of student loans. Your debt repayments were circa £1k per month. If you were working full-time and he was only working part-time, at a rough estimate bringing in £600pm, you would have roughly £1.8k per month. If your debt repayments are £1k and your rent is £600pm, that would leave you with £200pm for food, travel, bills etc. Are those figures workable for you?

Is your OH reluctant to get a full-time job because he thinks you aren't in as much debt as you are, therefore can manage on your salary?

Have you actually spoken to him about cooking when he gets home earlier than you, or is it just built up resentment from not saying anything? What has his answer/excuse been?

I know plenty of parents who both work; albeit it's usually the man who has the "normal" 9-5 full-time type job and the woman who works part-time hours. I find from working with a lot of other women that they increase their hours as their kids get older. My colleague has 2 kids under the age of 9 and hers are in breakfast and after school club. She herself feels guilty, but apparently her kids love it. She is sacrificing the time with them in order to provide them with a more secure future (she's saving for a house deposit). Each family is different.