Two x full time working parents - effect on child

ska_lover

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

Huh? I don't expect him to pay my debt. I never have.

OH has his debt - he pays his
I have my debt - I pay mine

I hope you get it resolved

ohbumstoitall

Candyapple wrote: »

From your other thread you said you had 4 months to try and tackle the Amex debt without taking money from the household pot, and that your income was about £1.2k and your partner's was roughly the same, but it was also made up of student loans. Your debt repayments were circa £1k per month. If you were working full-time and he was only working part-time, at a rough estimate bringing in £600pm, you would have roughly £1.8k per month. If your debt repayments are £1k and your rent is £600pm, that would leave you with £200pm for food, travel, bills etc. Are those figures workable for you?

Is your OH reluctant to get a full-time job because he thinks you aren't in as much debt as you are, therefore can manage on your salary?

Have you actually spoken to him about cooking when he gets home earlier than you, or is it just built up resentment from not saying anything? What has his answer/excuse been?

I know plenty of parents who both work; albeit it's usually the man who has the "normal" 9-5 full-time type job and the woman who works part-time hours. I find from working with a lot of other women that they increase their hours as their kids get older. My colleague has 2 kids under the age of 9 and hers are in breakfast and after school club. She herself feels guilty, but apparently her kids love it. She is sacrificing the time with them in order to provide them with a more secure future (she's saving for a house deposit). Each family is different.

I am due a salary increase in April of £5000 a year so our income potentially would be £2200 a month (not including my yearly 8k bonus) so we'd scrape by, but by scrape I mean scraaapeeee.

OH does know about the original debt and knows it would take a few years to pay off. So I can't see how that would play a part, ie thinking we can manage on my salary. Also - as we have 3 grand in our joint account he probably thinks we're minted but that's next months bills so we're not....
I have asked many times, for instance I'll ask him in the morning to defrost the bolognese so we have food and he doesn't do it. Or I ask if he can make dinner and he gets stressed because he doesn't know what to cook. Or he does cook and its fish fingers and chips. Just as well I love fish fingers!

Well looks like I'm fessing up tonight

FBaby

Anyway, he wants to work part time so he can pick DS up from school.

For the benefit of your son or his really? Did your OH decide to go back to Uni to increase his chances of a better career and salary, or because being a student is a nice work-life balance, and now that it is about to end, he is looking for another way to avoid working FT?

This is a different discussion than whether it is better for children to have a parent to pick them up after school or not. I worked FT as a single mum, so my kids went to breakfast and afternoon clubs since they were little. Did it harm them? I really don't think so. They enjoyed the routine, the friends they made there and the staff. Afternoon club was not that different to home really, they snacked and then they chose the activity they wanted to do, whether it was playing in a group, outside or inside, watching a video, playing video games or even having a nap, which they could do in a quiet room.

I did find a a few parents making comments about my 'poor' kids forced to have such long days but when it came to it, their kids didn't do anything much different at home than mine at club, the only difference was that my kids went to bed earlier without any trouble and when they started secondary school, they were able to get up and ready on their own without any issues.

Is your DS currently going to any clubs? If so, does he enjoy it. If not, do you think he would do so?

thorsoak

Good luck for tonight - I'll be thinking of you.

As regards cooking dinner .....I feel your pain! I can remember being stuck on a train that wasn't going anywhere - this was pre mobile phone days (can you believe that!) - and at home, I had a fridge full of food - and OH and 4 starving kids! After that, I decided that cooking dinner would be the responsibility of EVERYONE (including the 8-year 0ld) - they would decide the week before what they wanted to cook, write it on the board on the fridge - I would buy it (of course) - and they would cook, 1 evening each a week!

sulphate

Have you asked your son what he would like to do?

I’m not in this situation but I wouldn’t want to put a child in wraparound care 5 days a week if he had just started reception unless it was unavoidable. Your son is older though so it might be that he wouldn’t mind or even wants to. But for some kids, the school day is quite long enough without having to stay til 6pm as well. As you have the choice, I would involve him in your decision.

chelseablue

sulphate wrote: »

Have you asked your son what he would like to do?

I’m not in this situation but I wouldn’t want to put a child in wraparound care 5 days a week if he had just started reception unless it was unavoidable. Your son is older though so it might be that he wouldn’t mind or even wants to. But for some kids, the school day is quite long enough without having to stay til 6pm as well. As you have the choice, I would involve him in your decision.

This worries me too. Both of us work full time and our son starts Reception in September.

So will need to do after school club every day from the start.

Going to ask my boss if I can drop him to school and then come to work, so at least I get to do drop off.
Luckily I work close to home so would be a 5 minute drive to work after the drop off

enthusiasticsaver

There is no one size fits all. It is a discussion you have to have between you. We did not opt for both of us working full time as my husband had a job involving long hours and lots of travel so all childcare was on me as I had a 9 to 5 job albeit at a similar salary to him when I took maternity leave. Consequently I worked part time until they went to secondary school and were able to stay at home on their own from age 14.

Some kids will cope quite easily with a long day in school and wrap around care and you know your DS best so you will know if he will adapt.

The wishes of both parents have to come into it. Your DH wants to work reduced hours but I would be asking him to take on a bigger share of housework if he does that. What do you want to do if finances did not come into it? I think I would definitely be resentful if he wants to stay home to play xbox when he should be spending time with your DS or housework/cooking etc so that needs discussing. You have also struggled financially from your DFW diary while he has been at Uni so I think I would also ask what was the point of him retraining if he is going to be looking for a job rather than a career to spend more time at home. To be honest until you are established in a career I don't think part time opportunities are there and he would have to settle for a job earning a fairly low hourly rate. Wasn't his degree in teaching in which case that is more flexible than most although I realise teachers don't stop at 3pm or 3.30pm. They do get a lot of school holidays off though.

I think the biggest issue with you though is you have an extraordinary level of high debt so having the luxury of you both doing what you want rather than what you need to do is shut off to you and your DH. I also think you need to come clean on that so you both work as a team.

Your attitude to money definitely needs to change as any money coming into the house should be family money and he could equally be as resentful of your overspending as you are about him spending what you consider to be your money. If he is looking after the house or your DS then he has every right to have a say in how money is spent even if you are the only one earning.

On the other hand if he is one of these men who just like to play computer games on the pretence of looking after kids which are just stuck in front of the TV and leaving the cooking, housework, shopping and laundry to you to do there needs to be a split slightly towards him doing more if he works shorter hours. Your DS is 6 not a newborn or toddler and only one child so not that onerous.

theoretica

Different things work for different couples, but there are ways of both working full time, and being there for the kid. Could one of you get a job that started really early, but finished in time for school collection, and the other work later? Or do you have flexibility to work longer hours some days and shorter hours others so you each make a couple of pick up times a week? They eat into whole family time, but I know families where things like this work well.

FBaby

So will need to do after school club every day from the start.

My advice is go and visit the club first. As said, there is a lot of misconception that afterschool club is very structured and very much like extended schooling. It wasn't my experience at all. As said, it was more akin to the environment the kids would have at home. In the case of my kids, even better because I very much doubt I would have been up to the stimulation my DD still needed after school which she got at the club. My DS did get more tired that DD and was much more likely to be in the quiet area, although both enjoyed the opportunity of the other at times.

What neither of them were overly keen on was the holiday club, but I managed to work around it in that I became friends with two other mums whose kids were at the afterschool club and we worked a rota for the 6 weeks in the summer so that almost none of us needed to use the holiday club. It was quite hard work to do it the first couple of years, as taking into account holidays, partners, grandparents, working requirements etc... but we managed it with planning months in advance and it meant happier children and not so depleted bank accounts!

clairec79

I personally wouldn't want my kids in both breakfast and afterschool club every day (occasionally fine, and even one or the other everyday I'd be ok with) but then I've not been in the issue of having no other option

When we both worked we worked opposite hours so he started at 5 so was there afterwards and I started later so could do the mornings - would that be an option for you?

If one of you is at home then that person does need to take on the vast majority of the house work IMHO