Two x full time working parents - effect on child

Kim_kim

Two x full time working parents - effect on child


They’ll grow up with an ingrained work ethic seeing parents working hard to provide.

buildersdaughter

I spent my working life with children and families,and am now a grandmother.
There is no right answer, except to be honest with each other, state expectations, and problem solve together. That includes seeing if any friends / family can help.
That includes some honesty with your child - obviously not burdening them with adult problems, but showing them - maybe by taking the odd afternoon off to collect them from school,the odd hour or to to attend class assembly - those sorts of things - that lets them know that their school and family life is important. Make a big point of attending everything you possibly can at school and chatting to other parents and teachers.
Have you sat down and done the maths? It seems that you don't know what your OH will be earning yet, so difficult. But by the time you have factored in all the child care (have you worked out managing school holidays and sick days?) you may well find that one or both of you doing part-time is viable. And that of course comes back to expectations and trust.

I do wish you luck

warby68

There are as many combinations of work/childcare as there are families...almost!

It has to be a mix of what you NEED to do and hopefully a bit of what you WANT to do as well.

The NEED to improve your financial position is paramount for OP and to be honest I'd agree. Some major debt and some major problems with attitude to money.Their child will be better in the long run in a financially stable family. From OP's post dad seems to have gone to uni as an 'opt out' rather than an 'opt in'. I'd be fuming supporting a mature student through uni who then wanted to maximise his x box time and had explicity stated he had no intention of the family benefitting from his degree. Huge sense of lazy entitlement coming across although I might be wrong.

Lots of issues here but from OP's posts the main ones seem to be between them as a couple rather than the specific childcare for a single school age child. Dad seems to be latching onto childcare as a reason for opting out of a bit of hard work once more now uni is coming to an end. Might be wrong but that's the impression I get.

This family seems to urgently need 2 x full time incomes to recover with. The obvious option therefore is to try for some kind of flexible patternso that some or most of the childcare is covered between them while still working.

Too many elephants in the room at the moment and quite clearly differing agendas.

Happier_Me

To offer another perspective, I get the resentment thing, you are only human and it sounds like the decisions your OH is making is forcing your hand. He will not work full time nor take steps to contribute more financially (pursue an actual career) so you have no choice but to do it! The key is to divide the chores up in such a way that the division of responsibilities feels fair to you both. He may not earn or work as much as you (and it may not make financial sense for him to) but he does more cooking, cleaning, shopping, childcare to counter this. He effectively will have two jobs, a part time income generating job and a home making job, aimed at making the life of the main earner easier.

I'm now 13 years into a situation that has resulted in feelings of resentment at times. My OH works full time and earns a reasonable salary. He works long hours so he has never been able to drop off or collect a child from school or clubs, yet he refuses to allow them to attend after school clubs more than three days a week. But he also wants the lifestyle of a two income family . So I've found myself working high pressured and well paid jobs whilst taking on full childcare responsibilities and most household chores. I have been close to burn out several times and yes I have really resented this set up in the past. But I made the mistake of not addressing the imbalance years ago, don't fall into the same trap because it will strain your relationship to the point of breaking it. There is a way for the two of you to pull together you just need to find it.

And by the way I've read you other thread, I wouldn't allow any further study unless your OH proves beforehand he is going to make use of it by taking a time out and working for a couple of years in his chosen field. It sounds to me like a delaying tactic to avoid going to work.

Kayalana99

Happier_Me wrote: »

He may not earn or work as much as you (and it may not make financial sense for him to) but he does more cooking, cleaning, shopping, childcare to counter this. He effectively will have two jobs, a part time income generating job and a home making job, aimed at making the life of the main earner easier..

I think this is part of the issue he is not doing these things.

Personally the most important question for me, is if your Husband picks up the child at 3pm, between 3pm and 6pm will the child have the extra support?

I.e will he do his homework with him, cook dinner, play with him (or will he be put in front of a tele/gaming console)

I'm not saying he will be, I'm just saying that he'd be better off in a childcare setting if the parent isn't doing anything 'extra' in those 3-6pm hours. That's just how I would look at it, if I came home from work and DH had spent a few hours cleaning and doing homework with LO's I'd see sense, but otherwise, I'm sure the child would prefer to be in after school club anyway playing with other children. (And also worth considering your DS sounds like an only child, so it might be beneficial to spend more time in a more relaxed setting with other children too)

My LO goes breakfast club 3 days a week purely out of choice, he really enjoys going. We are quite luckily I work late evenings so we don't have to worry about childcare and school holidays right now, perhaps something to consider as I worked out I would need to earn 20k if I was working full-time during the day to break even with childcare to my 11k I earn through part-time work with no childcare - and I didn't take into account all the school holidays in that!

NeilCr

I am an old git and an only child. Relatively unusually for the time both my parents worked full time. There was no such thing as after school clubs at that time but I did have a gran who lived a couple of doors away who I would go to till my mum got home.

It has not affected me at all. I had a stable, secure and warm upbringing. To be honest, it was my norm and I did not think about it at all.

ohbumstoitall

I was going to try to reply to each post but too many so Ill try to address them all (thank you for replies)
@FBaby
OH went to uni to increase his chances of a better career as he was depressed in a dead end retail job. He has enjoyed it and I think it has increased his self worth but he still has confidence issues. OH has made jokes before about being lazy and wanting to stay home, ie jokingly said !;I don;t want to get a job;. It totally gets my back up and I have no idea whether there is any truth in that because he has said since ;I;m not lazy, I do want to work;. I think because he;s said it a few times it;s stuck in my head. If it;s a joke, it;s not funny. Or maybe it;s a self-confidence issue.
@thorsoak
He;s not best pleased with me. In fact he;s not talking to me. Oh well, I told him ; just got to give him space now!
@sulphate
DS wants to stay home and watch Minecraft videos everyday ; but he did also say he enjoys club
@enthusiasticsaver
Unfortunately housework seems to be an issue for OH. I have really bad fingers/hands and so I asked him to take on more cleaning. He just didn;t do it, he;d ;forget!; or say I had to make him a cleaning rota (I;m not sure why I had to do it, there;s plenty of info on the internet). It got to the point where I was tearing my hair out so I got a cleaner in once a week. It;s the only way I can guarantee I can come home and not cry at how dirty my house is. I can!;t clean, I can;t even wear rubber gloves so it!;s frustrating.
I agree about the high level of debt > luxury of working part time and I think we;ve managed to agree that full time is the way forward. At the end of the day, if we;re able to pay off debt, then we can have another child (OH wants a 2nd) and then he can work part time!
My attitude to money will change when either he looks after the house and DS enough or when he;s bringing in money (doesn;t have to be the same money as me). At the moment as the split is uneven I think that;s why I feel carp and am hoarding like a dragon.
@theoretica I did think that would be best initially but we;ve got two dogs so in order for the dogs to be walked before we go out, we need to start work at the same time otherwise it;s impossible.

@warby68
Yes you are right, I do need to improve our financial position as I want to have a stress free life where we don;t need to worry. I mean not having to pay £1000 a month would mean one of us could work part time.
I wouldn;t say he went as an opt out, it was more ;what else can I do; and having left school at 16 he didn;t know what he was capable of. Unfortunately we have got into more debt as a result of it. Part of me wonders if the Xbox thing maybe is due to stress, maybe he;s afraid of the future and stressed about it. I personally can;t understand it as I;m a totally different person, I believe in trying whereas if he doesn;t think he can do something !; he won;t even try. I had to force him to apply for some graduate schemes because he just didn;t do it ; I don;t think its laziness, I think it;s depression.

Pollycat

NeilCr wrote: »

I am an old git and an only child. Relatively unusually for the time both my parents worked full time. There was no such thing as after school clubs at that time but I did have a gran who lived a couple of doors away who I would go to till my mum got home.

It has not affected me at all. I had a stable, secure and warm upbringing. To be honest, it was my norm and I did not think about it at all.

It was many years ago but my childhood - probably until I was 13 or so and my Mum had another baby and gave up work altogether - was exactly the same as this ^^^^.

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

Unfortunately housework seems to be an issue for OH. I have really bad fingers/hands and so I asked him to take on more cleaning. He just didn;t do it, he;d ;forget!; or say I had to make him a cleaning rota (;I'm not sure why I had to do it, there;s plenty of info on the internet). It got to the point where I was tearing my hair out so I got a cleaner in once a week. It;s the only way I can guarantee I can come home and not cry at how dirty my house is. I can!;t clean, I can;t even wear rubber gloves so it!;s frustrating.

I think you might have had more success if you'd approached the cleaning issue with a different attitude.
Nobody is born with the know-how about cooking & cleaning.
My OH is pretty good in most things but I know for sure that he wouldn't clean like I do without things being explained to him.

My friend complains that her partner won't cook when the reality is he doesn't know how to.
Has she shown him?
No, she hasn't.
Life would be so much easier for her if she'd just make the effort to show him the basics instead of expecting him to know.

Mojisola

Pollycat wrote: »

My friend complains that her partner won't cook when the reality is he doesn't know how to.

Has she shown him?

No, she hasn't.

Life would be so much easier for her if she'd just make the effort to show him the basics instead of expecting him to know.

If he knows how to use google and youtube and read cookery books, why doesn't he make the effort to learn the basics?

Pollycat

Mojisola wrote: »

If he knows how to use google and youtube and read cookery books, why doesn't he make the effort to learn the basics?

After a medical condition, logical reasoning doesn't come easily to him.
He needs to be shown, not pointed at t'internet.