Two x full time working parents - effect on child

ohbumstoitall

Pollycat wrote: »

But......that's not how everyone learns (or is able to learn).
As per my first sentence in the post you quoted:

Maybe he's reluctant to ask as you've already said 'there is a circle of resentment'.

In fact, from your posts there seems to be a lot of anger and resentment in your relationship in a number of areas.

He isn't reluctant to ask. He does ask if he really wants to know something. He phoned me from outside the dry cleaners to ask if he could park outside it so he clearly isn't afraid of asking questions. And I hide my resentment quite well, I'm not overbearing or mean to him. I support him all the time, through uni, to pursue his dreams, I am always 100% there for him. I am constantly telling him he can achieve whatever he wants to achieve.

He is used to being looked after and yes as another poster said he probably should have lived alone for a year before moving in with me. Anyway, it doesn't matter we will work it out.

ohbumstoitall

CapricornLass wrote: »

If your son is happy at his afterschool club, then I don't think I would worry too much. It sounds a much better option than coming home and just sitting down to watch television or play on an X-box.

WRT evening meals, my husband is useless at deciding what to cook (as opposed to cooking it). I could leave him with two freezers, a stuffed fridge and overflowing cupboards, and he would still greet me when I came in from work with 'I didn't know what to cook'. It drove me mad. You can try the menu for the week option, but if that doesn't work, then what you might have to do is to take out the main part of your meal from the freezer in the morning and leave it to defrost somewhere cool during the day. And if you've taken it out to defrost, he can hardly claim that he's 'forgot' to do it, can he?

Alternatively, does your cooker have an automatic timer option? If the main part of the meal is largely heated through by the time you get in, then that would only leave you the pasta/rice/potatoes and veg to do.

I think I'll just make sure I've taken food out the night before, it's like flogging a dead horse and it may well be a man thing (sorry gentlemen). As for the working full time thing - we've agreed he's going to work full time at least until we're in a safe financial spot. He has also agreed that if I cook dinner on Sunday, he will make sure he reheats food during the week and he's going to use the wipe board on the fridge so he knows what he needs to take out of the freezer. Maybe if theres a little less pressure on me, or I feel I can come home and relatively relax I might feel better and so we will feel better as a family

FBaby

As for the working full time thing - we've agreed he's going to work full time at least until we're in a safe financial spot

That is if he doesn't only look for PT work or ask if he could work PT at interview, and then comes back telling you that this is all that he could get... Sorry for being cynical, but he comes across as looking to do as little as he can get away with, but hopefully, this is a wake up call and he will start acting like a responsible grown up.

Hillwalker11

This is a difficult one and every family is different. When my boys were young I gave up work until the youngest was 3 and then went back, initially part time. I taught in an Infant School and things were more relaxed in those days. My mum was a SAHM, as in the early 1960's that was the norm.

We have friends who both went back to work full time but this was to service a big family holiday abroad, flash cars and an annual skiing trip. To them this was important.
You are in a slightly different position as you have large debts to service. I think in your shoes ,perhaps if both of you knuckle down working as much as you can then the debts will be paid a lot quicker. Unfortunately you don't really have much choice. However once the debts are either gone or at a manageable level you can reconsider your options and then make the change to whatever suits your family best. Your OH at home on the Xbox while your son plays computer games or watches TV for hours is not childcare, he will probably be happier in an after school club.
All you can do at the moment is decide what is best for your family and push onwards and upwards. There is no right or wrong way of parenting, as long as your son is loved and happy you are doing fine whatever your decision will be.

Pollycat

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

He isn't reluctant to ask. He does ask if he really wants to know something. He phoned me from outside the dry cleaners to ask if he could park outside it so he clearly isn't afraid of asking questions. And I hide my resentment quite well, I'm not overbearing or mean to him. I support him all the time, through uni, to pursue his dreams, I am always 100% there for him. I am constantly telling him he can achieve whatever he wants to achieve.

He is used to being looked after and yes as another poster said he probably should have lived alone for a year before moving in with me. Anyway, it doesn't matter we will work it out.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

ohbumstoitall

Pollycat wrote: »

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

I'm not even, you know, exaggerating! I was just so confused, why are you ringing me WHILST YOU'RE PARKED OUTSIDE TO ASK IF YOU CAN PARK OUTSIDE. I've not teased him about it....I've been nice:rotfl:

He's taken on board how I feel about his lack of housework etc, I've agreed I'll do a cleaning rota (hmph) and I've also said from 1st March he can have TOTAL control of the grocery shopping. I won't even go to a shop.

I was already decluttering but as punishment (he doesn't call it this) I am clearing out anything I haven't used in 2017, including all the clothes I don't fit. i've got a basket in the study and every week I need to list the contents on eBay - if it doesn't sell it's off to the charity shop. He's being mean :rotfl:

Pollycat

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

I'm not even, you know, exaggerating! I was just so confused, why are you ringing me WHILST YOU'RE PARKED OUTSIDE TO ASK IF YOU CAN PARK OUTSIDE. I've not teased him about it....I've been nice:rotfl:

I was sure you were joking. :eek:

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

He's taken on board how I feel about his lack of housework etc, I've agreed I'll do a cleaning rota (hmph) and I've also said from 1st March he can have TOTAL control of the grocery shopping. I won't even go to a shop.

The first bit is a step forward.
OK, maybe you shouldn't need to detail what housework he should be doing but if it makes your life easier in the long run, then it will have been worth it.
And if he still doesn't step up, you can give him both barrels of righteous indignation.

I don't recall reading about issues with grocery shopping so I don't know if this will work or if you'll end up with 24 cans of baked beans but be toilet paper-less. :cool:

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

I was already decluttering but as punishment (he doesn't call it this) I am clearing out anything I haven't used in 2017, including all the clothes I don't fit. i've got a basket in the study and every week I need to list the contents on eBay - if it doesn't sell it's off to the charity shop. He's being mean :rotfl:

This makes sense.

It does sound like his clueless-ness it may be down to the fact he went straight from living at home to living with you.
At least my OH fended for himself at University when he left 6th form so he knew what it was like to cook for himself and budget to pay the bills.

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

It does sound like his clueless-ness it may be down to the fact he went straight from living at home to living with you.
At least my OH fended for himself at University when he left 6th form so he knew what it was like to cook for himself and budget to pay the bills.

Yes. This.

I was very guilty of the same thing. Not with the finances as that worked okay. But with helping round the house.

I was a very young 21 and had only lived at home. It just didn't occur to me about the housework until my wife "had a word". After that we shared it out.

It really was naivety and thoughtlessness.

sooty&sweep

Hi

Once he's working have you thought about getting a cleaner ?

I realise it's an extra expense when you're trying to pay off debt but if housework is such an issue it may relieve some pressure.

Jen

Mnd

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

I think I'll just make sure I've taken food out the night before, it's like flogging a dead horse and it may well be a man thing (sorry gentlemen)

It's not a man thing, I gave up full time work last July as 63, my wife is only 58 and works full time plus a 45 minute drive each way

I get her car out the garage everyday and get her breakfast and sort her lunch.
I do all the housework, shopping, cooking (real food) laundry, and all the "man jobs" bins car washing, decorating and the allotment
I don't do the ironing..but not much gets ironed!
We do discuss what is for dinner as she eats weird stuff..e.g.chicken, sprouts and beetroot!
Her time at home is precious to us both. Walking and relaxing and a pint in the pub, I would not expect her to come home to an untidy house and no dinner.
I have plenty of spare time to watch a film, read a book, go for a walk everyday as well