Two x full time working parents - effect on child

ohbumstoitall

I'm looking for perspectives of parents where both work full time with a young child (mine is 6) and whether they find they have a good quality of family life.

OH finishes university in May and wants to work part time so that DS doesn't spend 10 hours a day in school. This is likely to have a financial impact especially as we're in debt. It also means more pressure on me to make sure I can earn enough to support us.

I also unfortunately have an attitude of my money is my money which stems from him telling me once that he wasn't bothered about having a career and he wanted to be a househusband (what he meant was an Xbox husband), which started off a cycle of resentment and I'm struggling to get out of it. I do know its wrong to feel that way but he has a habit of making flippant comments like that! I get really defensive if he asks for money to buy something as I work hard and I'm just struggling to get past it (I will perserve though). Whereas if I felt he contributed equally at home I think maybe I wouldn't feel like this? For example I cook, despite him being at home early after university every day. He does the laundry though which is quite a big job.

Anyway, he wants to work part time so he can pick DS up from school.

I want him to work full time so that we can get debt free, which means DS being in breakfast and after school club.

I don't know which of us is right and it's causing arguments!

[purplesignup][/purplesignup]

haras_nosirrah

I work full time as does my husband and we have a nearly 2 yr old and a 5yr old

I think before and afterschool club may be too much 5 days a week. Is there anyway you can both do 4 days but slightly longer hours or one of you starts earlier and finishes earlier or similar

my working pattern is

10 hours on tuesdays, thursdays and saturdays
6pm to 9pm on mondays, wednesdays and fridays
my husband works 9-5 monday to friday

this means I get to have the day with my toddler and do the school run on mondays, wednesdays and fridays, hubby has the kids on a sat and my children are only at nursery/ after school clubs on tuesdays and thursdays.

thorsoak

What are his earning potentials after he finishes uni? A pressured career or something at NMW? What would be your attitude if roles were reversed? Would you resent your OH if he worked full-time, and said that his money was his money?

You have to sit down and discuss the situation - it isn't a case of who is right and who is wrong - it is a case of both of you contributing to your family's health and well-being. Surely, if he works part-time, then your child care costs will be minimal - which will save you money which could go towards clearing debts - and also that your non-working time could be spent together as a family.

I would classify his comments about an ambition to be a househusband in the same league as the comments I often sighed that I wanted to change my career to that of a kept woman! (she says, age 74, still working :-D )

Pollycat

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

I'm looking for perspectives of parents where both work full time with a young child (mine is 6) and whether they find they have a good quality of family life.

OH finishes university in May and wants to work part time so that DS doesn't spend 10 hours a day in school. This is likely to have a financial impact especially as we're in debt. It also means more pressure on me to make sure I can earn enough to support us.

I also unfortunately have an attitude of my money is my money which stems from him telling me once that he wasn't bothered about having a career and he wanted to be a househusband (what he meant was an Xbox husband), which started off a cycle of resentment and I'm struggling to get out of it. I do know its wrong to feel that way but he has a habit of making flippant comments like that! I get really defensive if he asks for money to buy something as I work hard and I'm just struggling to get past it (I will perserve though). Whereas if I felt he contributed equally at home I think maybe I wouldn't feel like this? For example I cook, despite him being at home early after university every day. He does the laundry though which is quite a big job.

Anyway, he wants to work part time so he can pick DS up from school.

I want him to work full time so that we can get debt free, which means DS being in breakfast and after school club.

I don't know which of us is right and it's causing arguments!

I don't think it's a case of who is right and who is wrong.
Even if all the replies you get are 100% for your idea, is that going to make any difference to what your OH wants to do?

And the converse is also true.
If all the replies say that your OH should go part-time, would you accept it?

I would say that your attitude towards money isn't great either (imho.

You need to talk to each other - and not just about if part-time work would work for you and your child.

lika_86

How much in debt are you? How long will it take to pay it off if you're both working compared with only you working?

You need to work that out and then look at your priorities. If you both working but paying for clubs etc means it takes only marginally longer to pay off the debt then you might decide it's better for your son to have more quality time with his dad for the sake of a little longer in debt.

However, you need to make it work if he doesn't work. If you're working full-time then you can expect to come home to your dinner made and the house cleaned. On weekends of course you can share the cooking, but in the week, his job is as a househusband when he isn't working. So if you do 9-5 then he fills those hours with work and housework. He needs to understand that that's the deal if you do go down that route.

Comms69

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

I'm looking for perspectives of parents where both work full time with a young child (mine is 6) and whether they find they have a good quality of family life.

OH finishes university in May and wants to work part time so that DS doesn't spend 10 hours a day in school. This is likely to have a financial impact especially as we're in debt. It also means more pressure on me to make sure I can earn enough to support us. - what are your respective fields of employment?

I also unfortunately have an attitude of my money is my money which stems from him telling me once that he wasn't bothered about having a career and he wanted to be a househusband (what he meant was an Xbox husband) - Well that's totally wrong, your money is quite clearly family money. I don't know his aptitude at housework, but certainly your position would be much vilified if you were a man saying this about your female partner/wife , which started off a cycle of resentment and I'm struggling to get out of it. I do know its wrong to feel that way but he has a habit of making flippant comments like that! - i don't see what's so flippant about it? I get really defensive if he asks for money to buy something as I work hard and I'm just struggling to get past it (I will perserve though). Whereas if I felt he contributed equally at home I think maybe I wouldn't feel like this? For example I cook, despite him being at home early after university every day. He does the laundry though which is quite a big job. - well that sounds like you just need a rota of things to be done. Certainly if he's at home more he should do more.

Anyway, he wants to work part time so he can pick DS up from school.

I want him to work full time so that we can get debt free, which means DS being in breakfast and after school club.

I don't know which of us is right and it's causing arguments!

Well a child having a good relationship with a parent rather than a classroom certainly has benefits in the long term emotional wellbeing of a child, but lots of children do exactly that and turn out fine.


What is the difference in terms of income, once you account for the salary drop vs costs of clubs etc?

ohbumstoitall

thorsoak wrote: »

What are his earning potentials after he finishes uni? A pressured career or something at NMW? What would be your attitude if roles were reversed? Would you resent your OH if he worked full-time, and said that his money was his money? I'd think he was mean! Which is why I stated I know its wrong to feel that way and I'm working on it because I think its healthier to acknowledge that I can be an !!!!

You have to sit down and discuss the situation - it isn't a case of who is right and who is wrong - it is a case of both of you contributing to your family's health and well-being. Surely, if he works part-time, then your child care costs will be minimal - which will save you money which could go towards clearing debts - and also that your non-working time could be spent together as a family.
I've tried and he's not very receptive unfortunately. Afternoon club is £8 until 6pm, so it's that against two hours of at least NMW
I would classify his comments about an ambition to be a househusband in the same league as the comments I often sighed that I wanted to change my career to that of a kept woman! (she says, age 74, still working :-D ) I'd like to think at 745 you've earned a break

I totally totally know that my attitude towards the money isn't fair which is why I don't vocalise it to him. I just internalize and bury it deep down.....

If I chose not to work full time I don't think I could resent him for that attitude.
If I had no choice but to stay at home with children then I think I would resent him and feel that I deserved the money. I'm struggling with him not wanting to work full time to contribute.

peachyprice

I don't think it matter which way around you do it, you child is still going to be living in a home full of resentment and bickering. Either you'll resent your OH for not 'pulling his weight' or he'll resent you for forcing him to work full-time when he doesn't want to.

Either way is a lose/lose for your child.

Comms69

ohbumstoitall wrote: »

I totally totally know that my attitude towards the money isn't fair which is why I don't vocalise it to him. I just internalize and bury it deep down.....

If I chose not to work full time I don't think I could resent him for that attitude.
If I had no choice but to stay at home with children then I think I would resent him and feel that I deserved the money. I'm struggling with him not wanting to work full time to contribute.

2 hrs at NMW after tax works out at approx. £13, so a difference of £5, or £25 a week. Sure it's something, but it's not going to fix your debt anytime soon.


Your child is only 6,7,8.... once.


That just my opinion - and FYI I work full time, always have. I wouldn't swap that for being a house husband, I know which is easier!

Saffagal

Just to add to the mix, when working full-time, remember you will require holiday clubs etc for during the school holidays and depending on where you are, these can add up.

ohbumstoitall

Pollycat wrote: »

I don't think it's a case of who is right and who is wrong.
Even if all the replies you get are 100% for your idea, is that going to make any difference to what your OH wants to do?

And the converse is also true.
If all the replies say that your OH should go part-time, would you accept it? It's not that I'm 100% against it, I just don't think he's taken it all into account. And yes, if he did want to work part time I can't force him so I'd accept it as long as he could support me by taking a greater share of housework

I would say that your attitude towards money isn't great either (imho. I think I already said it wasn't great - I just thought it was better to be honest when asking for advice!


You need to talk to each other - and not just about if part-time work would work for you and your child.

I'm not a bully and I'd never force OH to do one or the other as I don't want him to be unhappy. I also don't want to be unhappy though. We don't seem to be able to agree.