Not sure what to do

Scorpio33

Read my thread about my wife, she only takes Cocaine once a month and to me, that is too often.

The reasons I have come up with are:

1 - The cost
2 - The short term effects the day after (tiredness, depression, angry, feels like I have 3 kids for the weekend)
3 - The message it sends to our kids
4 - The long term effects on her (addition, depression, putting a divide between us)
5 - The reflection of her as a person - The only people I know who take Cocaine are idiots. If you want to take Cocaine, by association you are an idiot.


Ironically enough for me, it is her that wants us to split up and I fear in time he will think the same.


If you want action you can either:
1 - Try and make it work, which will take by in from him or
2 - Leave.

Option 1 needs him to see what an effect it has having on you and a willingness on his part to change.

Pixie5740

JayJay100 wrote: »

I can understand about thin the end of the wedge, and I know it's unlikely that you would be asked, but you could and have done it: not an addiction.

I can remember years ago, grumbling at the doctors, because he put me on an antibiotic that I couldn't drink with, and I had a party coming up. I rarely drink, and I said that as soon as I knew I couldn't drink, I always wanted one; he told to be careful as that was an alcoholic tendency. I laughed and he didn't; he was being serious. I said that I have a couple vodkas twice a month, hardly an alcoholic's behaviour. He told me that it didn't matter; the fact the urge was there, was an alcoholic tendency, albeit a mild one. I walked out of there feeling really grubby and horrible, but it's always stuck with me.

Sorry I've just noticed this. I see what your saying but couldn't that apply to anything? As soon as you're told you can't have something you want it. Could be alcohol, could be brussel sprouts.

Pixie5740

mummyto_1 wrote: »

The trust deed we set up says:


After the mortgage is paid off, The net sale proceeds shall be paid as to:

1. The fixed sum of £164,000.00 to the First Owner (that's me, £164,000 is what I put in from the sale of my flat)
2. The fixed sum of £6,000.00 to the Second Owner (him, this is the deposit he put in)
3. The balance being divided between the Co-Owners by paying the First Owners share to the First Owner and the Second Owners Share to the Second Owner. (I believe this means any remaining equity is 70% to me and 30% to him)

I'm not sure why you believe the declaration of trust means that the balance is divided 70/30. You don't currently own 70% of the equity now because rather than set the d.o.t up with equity shares you used fixed sums, £164k and £6k. I would say that in the even of a split you would get back £164k and him £6k and then whatever was left after repaying the mortgage would be split 50/50.

Using fixed sums rather than equity shares in your d.o.t. doesn't take into account a scenario where property prices fall. What happens if, once you've repaid the mortgage there isn't enough equity to return £164k to you and £6k to him?

ska_lover

Not a single mention of the word ''Love'' or emotions - just the financial implications of a split up.

This makes me wonder, OP do you love him? Or is this one of those relationships that have become a habit (Pardon the pun)

What are you going to do when your kid does find out eventually and blurts it out at school - and you end up with social services on your doorstep?

warby68

Or when your school age child is a pariah because other parents have 'heard the rumour' ? Daddy does something every Friday night that Mummy doesn't want me to see - simple as that.

However, YOU have gone along with it for an age. YOU have had a child with this man who uses. So, to some extent, you have been complicit. It does seem that you owe him ( and your child ) a chance for him to change. I guess when you have the adult discussion that you can no longer tolerate this with a child involved, you will know from his response what is more important to him. If it really is 'no big deal' because its only £40 a week, the view OP seems tempted by, then giving it up should be 'no big deal' either. When its a direct choice, £40 of coke or my wife/child, perhaps that will be the key to deciding for you.

mummyto_1

Just coming back with an update.

He told me before Christmas he would give it up in January, I said to him that's fine and if I ever catch you doing it in the house again that's it you'll be moving out.

Since January he hasn't done it in the house, BUT.................not sure he's given it up as now he goes round his brothers house at the weekend instead :mad:

Plus, normally he transfers all his wages to me, but when he got paid on 25th January he kept £350 for himself.
When I asked him on Monday how much he had left he told me £50 so in just over a week he spent £300 :mad: and he hasn't bought any clothes or anything like that.

He went to the drs last week about the problem and the dr set him up with a meeting with a counsellor last Wednesday, which he went to.

He's meant to go again tonight but he's told me that its cancelled tonight because his case worker is off sick..............apparently.................

I am monitoring the situation this weekend, if he goes to his brothers yet again I will be packing up his clothes and dropping them to him at his brothers!

Diamandis

Have you asked him what he's doing at his brothers or what the money has went on? If he's now hiding things from you that's probably a bigger problem in the relationship than the original issue.

Katapolt

how would you feel when your child is 17, and going to their mates house for the weekend, coming back exhausted, moody, asking for more money even though you gave them £50 for their weekend......

Children learn from their parents, and if that is seen as normal behaviour, they will see no issue with doing it themselves. As a raucous teenager once myself, i can promise you the first thing they will throw is "well if dad can do it why cant i"

Fireflyaway

Going to the gp is a courageous thing. Hopefully that helps.
This might be controversial yes drugs are bad. But so is alcohol that any of us can buy in unlimited quantities of in the supermarket.
Would you feel as bad / worse if he drank to oblivion every night?
I'm not condoning drug use but if he is not being violent and he is a good dad and working, cocaine at the weekend might not be any different to drinking. I'd not want my kids to take drugs but I not want them getting plastered at the weekend either! If he keeps it away from the kids I'd not worry too much. As well as being parents we are individuals too.

thorsoak

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Going to the gp is a courageous thing. Hopefully that helps.
This might be controversial yes drugs are bad. But so is alcohol that any of us can buy in unlimited quantities of in the supermarket.
Would you feel as bad / worse if he drank to oblivion every night?
I'm not condoning drug use but if he is not being violent and he is a good dad and working, cocaine at the weekend might not be any different to drinking. I'd not want my kids to take drugs but I not want them getting plastered at the weekend either! If he keeps it away from the kids I'd not worry too much. As well as being parents we are individuals too.

The bottom line is the fact that drug dealing is illegal. Many employers take a dim view of drug-taking employees -and operating machinery/driving under the influence of drugs as well as alcohol is a crime.