Not sure what to do

mummyto_1

Been doing some research and if you take cocaine with alcohol it increases risk of heart attack.


Plus he smokes too.


I'm quite a worrier so this is a concern to me, but then if he's not bothered why should I care so much

spadoosh

mummyto_1 wrote: »

Been doing some research and if you take cocaine with alcohol it increases risk of heart attack.


Plus he smokes too.


I'm quite a worrier so this is a concern to me, but then if he's not bothered why should I care so much

So does drinking red bull with vodka.

About 300-400 people die every year from taking cocaine. The number is not too dissimilar from those who accidentally drown (200 people ish).

The smoking is definitely a much bigger health issue than him taking cocaine (for your son mainly). 79,000 deaths in 2015 attributable to smoking. 474,000 hospital admissions.

Remember though, cocaine is illegal so much much worse.

http://www.iflscience.com/editors-blog/whats-most-dangerous-drug-world-according-science/

gonzo127

forget this, i just spotted you had answered my question a bit earlier in the thread

JayJay100

spadoosh wrote: »

No i wouldnt. In the same breath i wouldnt be happy if they came home and said theyd be drinking or smoking or sleeping around or stealing or any other potentially detrimental behaviour. I dont think im going to be happy with every decison my child makes. For the most part im expecting its going to be a case of suck it up

Why has he proved it more important? How much should someone sacrifice of their own life in order to please the other? If he should sacrifice his cocaine, surely the OP should be willing to sacrifice her objection to cocaine? Why not? If hes said to the OP you accept my cocaine use or im leaving (escaping my thought that op wants to leave irrespective of drug use) hed be a lot of words that wouldnt get past the swear filter.

As a parent, you don't have to 'suck it up', and your attitude of appearing to be almost resigned to it is quite frightening. Not all kids behave in that way, and they should be brought up to know not only right from wrong, but also why it is wrong and what the consequences could be. My step-son was done for speeding the other day, and I was expecting some complaining about it, but there was none. When I asked why, he just smiled and said 'you taught me that if I live by the sword, I die by the sword: was I speeding? Yup. Have I got points and a fine? Yup. Is that my fault? Yup.' I told him that when he was fourteen and it's stuck with him.

The OP's partner has proved that his drug use is more important to him than the wishes of his partner, as he tried to give up for 2 weeks, and then couldn't be bothered following it through, possibly because it was a little bit more difficult than he anticipated: being an addict does that.

Would it be unreasonable to ask the OP to sacrifice her objection to the use of a class A drug, in her own home, when possession of that drug could attract anything up to a 7 year jail term, an/or an unlimited fine? Yes, I think that would be unreasonable.

JayJay100

spadoosh wrote: »

So does drinking red bull with vodka.

About 300-400 people die every year from taking cocaine. The number is not too dissimilar from those who accidentally drown (200 people ish).

The smoking is definitely a much bigger health issue than him taking cocaine (for your son mainly). 79,000 deaths in 2015 attributable to smoking. 474,000 hospital admissions.

Remember though, cocaine is illegal so much much worse.

http://www.iflscience.com/editors-blog/whats-most-dangerous-drug-world-according-science/

I don't think the cocaine death figures are necessarily accurate. Our friend was 42 when he died, and his death certificate only referred to a cardiac arrest and made no reference to substance abuse, although the doctor confirmed to his widow, that it was more than likely the cause. At the time, someone said that they rarely tie substance abuse in, as it can affect any insurance pay out: I've no idea if this is true, I just remember it being said at the time.

pollyanna24

What I don't get and I haven't done any maths, but if there is a 70:30 split, why'd you get a massive £180,000 and him only £15,000.

mummyto_1

pollyanna24 wrote: »

What I don't get and I haven't done any maths, but if there is a 70:30 split, why'd you get a massive £180,000 and him only £15,000.

The trust deed we set up says:


After the mortgage is paid off, The net sale proceeds shall be paid as to:

1. The fixed sum of £164,000.00 to the First Owner (that's me, £164,000 is what I put in from the sale of my flat)
2. The fixed sum of £6,000.00 to the Second Owner (him, this is the deposit he put in)
3. The balance being divided between the Co-Owners by paying the First Owners share to the First Owner and the Second Owners Share to the Second Owner. (I believe this means any remaining equity is 70% to me and 30% to him)

spadoosh

JayJay100 wrote: »

As a parent, you don't have to 'suck it up', and your attitude of appearing to be almost resigned to it is quite frightening. Not all kids behave in that way, and they should be brought up to know not only right from wrong, but also why it is wrong and what the consequences could be. My step-son was done for speeding the other day, and I was expecting some complaining about it, but there was none. When I asked why, he just smiled and said 'you taught me that if I live by the sword, I die by the sword: was I speeding? Yup. Have I got points and a fine? Yup. Is that my fault? Yup.' I told him that when he was fourteen and it's stuck with him.

The OP's partner has proved that his drug use is more important to him than the wishes of his partner, as he tried to give up for 2 weeks, and then couldn't be bothered following it through, possibly because it was a little bit more difficult than he anticipated: being an addict does that.

Would it be unreasonable to ask the OP to sacrifice her objection to the use of a class A drug, in her own home, when possession of that drug could attract anything up to a 7 year jail term, an/or an unlimited fine? Yes, I think that would be unreasonable.

Are you actually frightened by a strangers attitude on an online forum? Meh ok then.

I think youve misunderstood.

You seem to be using your sons acceptance of being caught speeding as jsutification for your comments. I would argue if you where as good a parent as you suggest we all should be he should never have sped in the first place. Im guessing you told him right and wrong. Im guessing you told him people can die and accidents are more likely? But he choose to ignore you completely and did it anyway (something your happy with?).

Personally id be annoyed that my daughter got caught speeding if she had been warned of the rules and dangers. Id suck it up as that her choice (to face the consequences). Unlike you who is proud that their son chose to ignore them?

And drugs addle the mind?

How i seek happiness is no reflection on my partner. I might get off on drugs, gambling, smoking, chocolate, football, a bender every few months or steam trains. My pursuit of happiness will never be about restricting someone elses. If my partner could only make me happy by me restricting what makes her happy how is that good to anyone?


Up to you whether you believe the official stats. I cant comment on doctors defrauding insurance companies. Id imagine its something they would want to investigate though.

Ironically decriminlaisation would allow people to decalre their drug use and insurances could be calculated accordingly. SO ther ewould be no need for docotrs to lie about cause of death (which is wholly wrong!! on the hippocratic level!!)

stuartJo1989

spadoosh wrote:

Moot argument. It depends on what social circles you reside whether its socially acceptable, apparently 10% of the population (16-59) have used cocaine in the last year , a population in to themillion is hardly a insignificant social group. And you might need the law to tell you what is and isnt right, i like to think im reponsible enough that i dont. I mean theres no laws telling me i cant drink a bottle of bleach (i suppose you could argue suicide but thats decriminalised) it doesnt mean to say its not stupid or bad. Im allowed to eat 10kilos of sugar in a sitting, i dont because that would probably be bad. Im allowed to walk a tthe edge of a cliff. Im allowed to swim in the ocean in the middle of winter on my own.

It wasn't a moot argument.

The UK government has made taking cocaine illegal and, to me at least, that's the end of the matter. I'm not saying it is right or wrong (I think drugs like weed should be treated like cigarettes or vice versa, and I don't disagree with you on a fundamental/humanist level), I'm just saying that it is ILLEGAL!

Especially when a kid is involved; they'll eventually cotton on that their parent is breaking the law and neglecting their family (Friday nights can be better spent than on the Playstation).

Between you and me but I've done a small amount of teaching in a Primary School. You don't teach the kids this sort of crap, and this is coming from a gambler!

Opposing views. Using a child and someones house as a threat for them to carry out the behaviour you would prefer is morally questionable. We can argue the mileage on that like how morally questionable is it if theyre a violent alocholic (not very) or they offer the threat because they like to control (more questionable)

Well, if you want to construe it as "using the child and someone's house" then fair enough... But the bottom line is that the child needs to be safe, and the house ownership issue needs to be resolved fairly for BOTH PARTIES. If those two criteria are met then that's sound!

You couldve put the quiestion mark before the quotes, where i had it. I dont think it is. Not so sure about paying little attention, can you point out any other morally questionable behaviour from him, im guessing you wouldve if it was apparent?

Yea but like how can you even question whether having a child could be morally questionable behaviour? Unless you mean OP bringing a child into the world knowing that the father was a cocaine user? If so, fair point. If not, I'm not sure what you mean.

Well I can't point out any other morally questionable behaviours for him, BUT I am very confident that his one single instance (cocaine use) vastly outweighs anything which you said about OP.

Fair points people should consider there own well being and that of their children in any relationship

Indeed. Same goes for OP and HER wellbeing, whatever that my involve.

Correct, although i dont hink i suggested that

You did. You said:

"A broken home or a recreational drug user who in all likelihood will do everything in his power to shelter the child from seeing anything"

Which, to me, suggests that you are quite biased in how you see this situation. You give the guy quite a lot of benefit of the doubt here.... painting him like he's going to shelter his child from everything and keep it on the lowdown... whereas, if the woman left the guy then it is a "broken home"

i suggested its a possibility, i never intended to suggest it was a guarantee.

Well I sort of didn't think you were *THAT* black and white about it (you were fairly black and white though), but I was trying to be a bit more grey about it all.

I dont think it is, my comment have been in reply to the guarantees being offered from the counter argument. He IS a junkie. He will endanger child. He is not responsible. This is all opinion or conjecture

It also opinion or conjecture to assume that all will be absolutely fine with OP's wellbeing, the child and the family home as a whole if OP just puts up with it and gives the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Listen, I'm a compulsive gambler (they call FOBT machines the crack cocaine of gambling which is VERY APT) and I understand. But equally, people who don't have these sort of problems WILL see him as a junkie. Yea sure, it may be a bit simple-minded BUT then again everyday dads don't do cocaine!

And, in my experience, he is quite likely to endanger the child even if that is a bit more subtle than physical harm.

And I 100% agree with people who say he isn't responsible. He isn't, that's sort of a no brainer.

I think if you dont consider your partner in a break up youre ultimately probably doing them a favour. I think in a relationship you have to accept compromise. If i was the priority in my relationship, i wouldnt be with anyone. Personally i see it as we (the family unit) are the priority.

Yes, you have to accept compromise BUT behaviour which threatens to destabilize the family unit (cocaine use qualifies) needs serious consideration.

You neednt have bothered.
I spent too much effort thinking about the guy the other night,
it appears you spent to much time looking at reasearch (im aware what the ONS do) which i suggested would be the case. The deaths are minimal, something i speculated would be the case.
Just like i speculated deaths to children in the UK from cocaine would be extremely rare (i suggested it was more rare) Im a statistics kind of guy so spend way too much time looking at ONS figures. Alas you seem to back up my point in that i was suggesting that the dangers to a child of cocaine being in a house would be minimal. Probably significantly less dangerous than having a dog (usually a couple of deaths a year) or knives (probably more deaths although likely to be homicide rather than accidental).

I've previously used ONS for research, so it didn't take long to have a quick look

I didn't really quite *get* your point on this part to be fair. Death rates for children due to "Accidents" (I use that as an umbrella term for dogs, knives, bleach, cocaine) is likely negligible in the whole population. Comparing cocaine deaths Vs knife deaths in children is probably a moot topic.

The arguments put forward carry little weight because they are based on opinion, proven when people say things like junkie and addict. The reality is most drug users are not junkie and addicts. Most live normal lives and suffer marginal consequences as a result.

I agree with you, based on my own experiences of being a compulsive gambler. BUT I am very mindful of my own experience in addiction and the facade of "normal lives".

In this very specific instance, the mere fact that OP is posting suggests that this isn't a case of two people living "normal lives". Maybe one of them is, but not both.

stuartJo1989

spadoosh wrote: »

Are you actually frightened by a strangers attitude on an online forum? Meh ok then.

I don't think that user was frightened by a stranger's attitude on an online forum :rotfl: It was a purely honest and frank post!!

You seem to be using your sons acceptance of being caught speeding as jsutification for your comments. I would argue if you where as good a parent as you suggest we all should be he should never have sped in the first place.

Young adults all make mistakes. Some (10% in your previous post) also do cocaine. We all make mistakes, BUT why don't you ask JayJay100 6 months down the line whether their (step) son [you've got a good eye for detail ] has sped again? I know what the answer will be.... It will be a bit fat NO, unlike the answer to the question as to whether OP's partner took cocaine in the past week.

Im guessing you told him right and wrong. Im guessing you told him people can die and accidents are more likely? But he choose to ignore you completely and did it anyway (something your happy with?).

With all due respect, but you've just been sticking up for an ILLEGAL activity (cocaine) and yet you are going a bit anal with regards to another ILLEGAL activity (speeding)?

I don't get it...

Personally id be annoyed that my daughter got caught speeding if she had been warned of the rules and dangers. Id suck it up as that her choice (to face the consequences). Unlike you who is proud that their son chose to ignore them?

I think the user is more proud that the child chose to acknowledge their error and give credit to an adult where it was due.

And drugs addle the mind?

Yes they do.

My pursuit of happiness will never be about restricting someone elses.

That's actually really insightful!

And you're not going to like this point, but OP's fella likes doing cocaine on a Friday night. That's their "pursuit of happiness" as you put it! BUT, that pursuit actually appears to be restricting OP's pursuit of happiness... to the extent that OP has made a post on here!!! Irony eh?