Proposing - Asking her parents blessing

TBagpuss

OP, I think the answers to your questions are 'it depends'.

How well do you know her parents, and how do you think they will react? I think calling round when you know they would be in is absolutely fine. I's suggest that taking them out for a meal would be more appropriate after you have proposed, in order to celebrate the engagement.

That said, I would be a little cautious - what is your reason for thinking that this is something your partner would want you do? Are you sure that she wouldn't prefer to be asked first, even if you then tell her you'd like to ask her parents for their blessing, and is she happy for the two of you to not tell anyone else until you've done that?

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

I think that asking for their blessing is something which would be more usual after you've proposed than before, asking before, even if you phrase it as asking for their blessing, does carry a lot of baggage as other posters have pointed out. I'm another who would fid it weird and more than a little demeaning - if someone wants to marry me, I feel I should be the first person to be asked about that, and I would not feel happy if it were implied that someone else's permission or encouragement was necessary. However, If *after* proposing to me, my (hypothetical) fiance then said that they would like to ask for my parents blessing before we made our news public, that would be fine - it puts things in the right order of priority - my consent is the fundementally important one, but also says that my family and my relationship with them is important to him, so he wants to involve them.

Of course , if you have a conversation with your partner where you say, "If I was going to propose to you, would you want me to ask your parents first?" then you're fine - she knows you're going to propose but you haven't actually done it, and everyone is happy!

Lokolo

A lot of posts are claiming that "they are not an item to be traded" blah blah blah.

Actually the OP has asked about wanting his OH's blessing, not permission.

I will be asking my partners parents for their blessing. It would be nice to have. It is not asking for permission. I would still go ahead and ask to marry even if they didn't give their blessing.

zagfles

Lokolo wrote: »

A lot of posts are claiming that "they are not an item to be traded" blah blah blah.

Actually the OP has asked about wanting his OH's blessing, not permission.

I will be asking my partners parents for their blessing. It would be nice to have. It is not asking for permission. I would still go ahead and ask to marry even if they didn't give their blessing.

As above, why would you ask for their blessing before proposing? If it's their blessing, not permission, you want, then it makes no sense to ask for it before doing what you're going to do anyway!

fairy_lights

If the bloke asks for his girlfriends dad's permission/blessing before proposing, then when he proposes is she supposed to say "hang on love, give me 5 minutes while I call your mum and check it's ok with her before I say yes"?

AndyBSG

I just turned up at the in-laws when I knew they would both be in and my other half wouldn't be turning up unexpectedly.

Malthusian

fairy_lights wrote: »

If the bloke asks for his girlfriends dad's permission/blessing before proposing, then when he proposes is she supposed to say "hang on love, give me 5 minutes while I call your mum and check it's ok with her before I say yes"?

Well, it's not traditional so I wouldn't expect it, but if my fiancee asked my mother for her blessing I think it would be hilarious and brilliant. Turn about is fair play.

There's no "supposed" about it as it's a personal ritual, not required for the legal ceremony of marriage, and everyone can do what the heck they like.

Re the question of what the point is of asking for a blessing when you're going to proceed (obviously) even if the future in-laws refuse to grant it. If we're going to have to proceed with a marriage against her parents' wishes, I would want to tell my fiancee as soon as possible and have an honest discussion about it. As in, immediately after she's (touch wood) accepted the proposal. The alternative is that she excitedly rings up her parents and is then unpleasantly surprised with the news that they think I'm a waste of space, which has the potential to be rather traumatic.

In the very unlikely event that the parents don't approve there are options such as delaying the marriage in the hope that the parents come around to me, or getting legally married in secret and saving the wedding for later, by which we still get what we want without damaging her relationship with her parents. Which we don't have if we go charging ahead and let the parents find out via Facebook.

AylesburyDuck

brokenheartedman wrote: »

So, I feel the time is right to pop the question to my girlfriend,I'm looking for some advice beforehand.

She is very close to her mum and dad, and I think it would mean alot to her (and them I suppose) to ask for their blessing beforehand. My question is, how do I go about this?

Do I call round to their house when they're both home and ask to talk to them? Do I forewarn them that I'd like to call round and discuss something with them?

Do I invite them out to lunch or something along them lines?

Any advice appreciated, especially from anybody who has either done this themseleves or been asked by the daughters boyrfriend.

I bet you're really glad you asked eh! :eek:
But on the plus side, it'll give you a true feel of which way this board sways :rotfl:
Personally, you know your GF and you know her parents better than we do.
If it's something your GF will appreciate then go for it, every women is different so no need to take what some people have said here to heart. As for advice about the how, you'll know when the time is right, maybe nothing too formal.

Primrose

It,s a matter of politeness I. think. Of course you'll marry your girlfriend whatever her parents think but as your Inlaws will be with you for a long time it's better to start things off in an amicable way if possible.

My husband proposed to me at a very early stage in our relationship but we left it for a year before deciding to go public and my husband met with my father, told him he had proposed and asked for his blessing. My father gave him such a grilling on his ability to support me, he was too young and not established in his career , etc, etc that my fianc! felt he'd done 20 rounds with Mohammad Ali. Since my fianc! pointed out that he was determined to marry me anyway, I'm not sure whether it gained him any kudos or not, but it did ensure that my father leaned to accept there would be boundaries if he ever tried to interfere in our marriage, which he never did.

Marvel1

Poor_Single_lady wrote: »

To repeat the OP said it would mean a lot to her which rather suggests the dad is not going to say no!

Again avoiding the question, what happens if they said no?

System

If my husband and my Mom had liked eachother, it would have been nice if my husband had told my Mom he was going to ask to marry me.

Its not important but it would have been a nice thing to have done.