Proposing - Asking her parents blessing

badmemory

I just wonder if this would feel to the "hopefully future bride" a bit like one of those public proposals where one feels pressured into saying yes to avoid embarassing someone you do like, just not sure you want to marry.

Poor_Single_lady

I didn't realise I was to answer.
Because well I didn't really understand the question.
I think maybe people who would not like this think it is something different to what it is.
in my opinion it's just nice. That's all.

If her dad says no then they can do what they like as they are adults. He isn't deciding for her or making decisions.

If it's your kind of thing then It's just nice. That's all.
If it's not that kind of thing then no one is pushing this on you. No one is trying to make you change your mind. It's fine that this isn't for everyone. We are all different.

I just wanted to put forward some support for the OP and some support for this when everyone was against it so far.

System

I know its old fashioned but i quite like the gesture (i assume those opposing it also didn't have their father walk them down the aisle?). My stepdad has been the best father i've had and hes old and old fashioned and i know it would mean a lot to him that he was talked to about it. I want him to know that i care about him and that i honestly do see him as my dad so little things like that and him walking me down the aisle matter to me. Plus this is a small thing, its not like anyone is paying a dowry for me which i find a little more outdated.

heartbreak_star

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

(i assume those opposing it also didn't have their father walk them down the aisle?).

Sadly my dad passed away a few years back, but he always said he wouldn't "give me away" per se - he'd walk down the aisle part way with me, then branch off to my mum and let me finish the walk myself.

Moral support, but without feeling like a possession and possessor. He was a smart cookie haha!

HBS x

Malthusian

cjdavies wrote: »

Again avoiding the question, what happens if they said no?

What happens if the fiancee reveals a formerly hidden psychosis and tries to scratch his eyes out with the ring? What if the restaurant he's planning for the proposal is attacked by ninjas? If the OP knows the future in-laws well, is confident they like him and they are well-adjusted adults who don't try to control their daughter's life, it's an equally remote possibility.

And the answer is pretty obvious - "go ahead anyway but have a grown-up discussion with the fiancee on how they avoid estranging her family".

Mojisola

Malthusian wrote: »

And the answer is pretty obvious - "go ahead anyway but have a grown-up discussion with the fiancee on how they avoid estranging her family".

Which shows that the 'asking' bit is meaningless (and even deceitful).

When the tradition was the norm, if the father didn't give permission, that was the end of things. No proposal to the woman; no wedding.

I can't see the point of keeping the tradition if you're going to ignore the bits of the tradition that you don't like.

tho_2

Surely this is a matter for the OP, who actually knows his partner and what she might want? Rather than a discussion about equality. Its still very much wanted by some women, however independent they are.

In answer to your question OP, both the ways you suggested are fine, popping round for a cup of tea and a chat works (worked for me). Try to ignore the fearmongers, I presume if you thought there was a chance they'd say no you wouldn't be asking anyway!

takman

Like a lot of traditions asking the brides parents for permission/blessing is quite an odd thing to do. There is no "correct" way to do it and it can be done any way the OP thinks is correct.

But marriage, which can be reversed by divorce, is not as life changing as having a baby. Plus many couples now have a baby outside of marriage. So maybe there should also be a tradition to ask their wife/gf parents for permission/blessing to have unprotected sex with their daughter.

Personally i think asking the brides father for permission/blessing also links in with the tradition for the father to pay for the wedding. So if you don't know her father very well and don't tend to have personal discussions with him; then this may come across as you are expecting them to pay for it.

Gavin83

Seems like another area where women feel they can pick the traditions that suit them and exclude those that don't. Seems to be a lot where relationships are involved.

Mojisola

Gavin83 wrote: »

Seems like another area where women feel they can pick the traditions that suit them and exclude those that don't. Seems to be a lot where relationships are involved.

It's not a woman going to speak to his GF's parents about his intentions to ask her to marry him.