Proposing - Asking her parents blessing

Mr_Singleton

bouicca21 wrote: »

If you really want their blessing then you ask her first and then go together to her parents; ditto your own. Elsien would be 'seriously unimpressed'; I'd have been deeply upset.

You die hard romantic you! Oh well you'll be the one left cleaning the blood off the alter of political correctness.

Shakes head.

Marvel1

Poor_Single_lady wrote: »

I know a lot of people think it's nonsense but personally I would be really sad if I was asked without my parents being asked if he could ask.

I know it's old fashioned and so silly in lots of peoples eyes but everyone is different. If I was asked I would immediately think that I hope my dad knows.
I'm not old fashioned in other ways - just this would be important to me.

I think traditionally you are supposed to go to their house and see her dad only. (Although I may be wrong about that).
Also maybe we are a strange family (well probably!) but my dad would be so excited to be asked and included.

What would happen if parents declined?

onomatopoeia99

Mr Darcy did not seek Mr Bennet's permission before proposing to Elizabeth, either time, only after the second time .

So, if you want to do it like a character in a Jane Austen novel, ask her first. Then, if you feel the need, and if she accepts you, seek her father's permission. She should at that point go to her mother to seek her permission.

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Depends on a lot of things. Is she 16?

Doesn't matter. Scotland is not far (for all we know, they live there) and there are no border guards turning away eloping teenagers at Carlisle.

JIL

elsien wrote: »

I know it's not what you're asking but if anyone asked my parent's blessing before asking me first I'd be seriously unimpressed. Gives the impression their permission is needed and is somewhat paternalistic.
Just my two pennorth.

I totally agree, my own father took me by surprise over thirty years ago when he told me that he was not impressed that my husband to be had not been to discuss my hand in marriage with him. I was shocked, I was not some kind of package. I had never even heard of it being a tradition. I remember then discussing it with my husband to be and he wasn't sure why he should be asking my father as it was me and me alone that needed to make the decision.

My father still moans about it every few years.

Poor_Single_lady

Lol. I think as somebody else said. It's not really a yes/no question in this day and age.
If you're at the stage of marrying someone you most likely know where you stand with the parents.
You don't ask to find out the answer. No- you ask for reasons that I cannot explain. I'm trying to because clearly most other people think I am completely backward.

I would want my dad to be asked- not for permission or because I am a package. And I know it's 2017. It's not really about women's rights. It's just that I would want them involved and it demonstrates that your husband to be cares very much about what they think.

To be honest tho if I was in a serious relationship I would make this clear so I think if I was at this stage the man would know this was important. Because I appreciate it is out of the norm now.

heartbreak_star

Another one who'd be unimpressed. I'm not property to be traded between people - if I married I wouldn't change my name either.

Sorry OP, I know a lot of these replies aren't what you want to hear. Could you ask her and arrange it so they are the first to know perhaps?

Good luck - I hope she says yes

HBS x

Kynthia

I wouldn't be impressed and it would tarnish the proposal for me. Hopefully you know whether it's something your girlfriend would like. I don't think it matters whether you call round or invite them to lunch.

Poor_Single_lady

He said it would mean a lot to her

Hopefully knows what he is doing.

He is dating his girlfriend who - if he is right holds the same viewpoint as me.

Just my opinion- It rather spoils the romance asking outright so he he needs to go with what he thinks is right based on his specific girlfriend rather than the wider world.

Good luck OP. Why not broach the subject in a non-direct way and ask her about friends that asked the FIL for permission and see what her reaction is.
But only you know her and know if this is the right route.

alwaysskint96

Artytarty wrote: »

We got "asked" by our now son in law last year.
H
At least he thinks he asked but in reality it wasn't of a declaration of intent at he hoped we would be happy about.
Daughter didn't know at the time, we were touched and now she knows and is glad he did what he wanted to.
All good.
No one has been offended!
I think it's a nice gesture, and of course we weren't going to say no.

Similar here. My daughters now fiance popped in to see me ( her mother) and asked if it was ok by me if he asked her to marry him- even though they were already living together. He popped the question to her, she said yes and they getting married in 6 weeks


Its a nice gesture and when she said to me that I didnt seem surprised on hearing of her engagement ( despite the fact she had previously told me she planned to marry him) I said he had been and asked me and she thought it was sweet.

Ans she is one of the most independent bolshy girls ever

martinsurrey

Poor_Single_lady wrote: »

He said it would mean a lot to her

feel sorry for blokes these days, expected to follow only certain traditions, with treat of relationships breaking up if they get a single one wrong! I wonder how many of the women who would be unimpressed would have proposed themselves? or would have been unimpressed if he hadn't bought a ring? I wonder if they wanted their father to walk them down the isle (another tradition of the woman being passed from father to husband), or their father to give a speech... the list of traditions goes on and on...

OP CLEARLY said in the first post it would mean a lot to his GF, and thats all that matters here, no need to soap box.

OP, I talked to my now in laws before I proposed, it was a friendly chat about how excited I was, I got some time by myself with them by leaving something at their house when we visited, and picking it up the next night by my self, I also stored the ring at their house so no chances of the misses finding it.