Proposing - Asking her parents blessing

cats2012

I think people get a but ott being against this - realistically these days it's more a case of telling the parents as a nice gesture rather than asking permission! !

My husband told my dad his plan and it meant a lot to both me and my dad - but he wasn't asking permission he was just being sweet and traditional by chatting to my dad. My dad knew him well already and would never have said "no" - not that it would have stopped us if he had!

My OH just popped round for a cup of tea one day and had a chat :-)

pollypenny

Yea gods! Talk about making a big deal!

It's just a nice gesture. Keep the parents happy. The proposal is not likely to be a surprise to either the girl or the parents.

OP, do what you feel is right for you and her.

euronorris

My husband didn't ask. He knows me well enough not to. My father later voiced his unhappiness at not being asked, to which I reminded him that I am not his, nor my now husband's (or anyone else for that matter), property and that if he had asked him first, I wouldn't have married him.


I know everyone is different, but I do not think this is a 'nice' tradition at all. It literally stems from having to ask for the father's permission before a marriage would have been allowed. When women were indeed treated as property by their father's, and then their husband's. I am a human being. I am not property! Any attempt to treat me as such will be met with contempt.

zagfles

martinsurrey wrote: »

feel sorry for blokes these days, expected to follow only certain traditions, with treat of relationships breaking up if they get a single one wrong! I wonder how many of the women who would be unimpressed would have proposed themselves? or would have been unimpressed if he hadn't bought a ring? I wonder if they wanted their father to walk them down the isle (another tradition of the woman being passed from father to husband), or their father to give a speech... the list of traditions goes on and on...

It's not all about what the woman wants - like with weddings all the focus seems to be on what pleases the bride rather than the groom.

My proposal was a bit of a spur of the moment thing. I didn't get a ring. I didn't get down on one knee. I would never do that sort of thing, I think getting a ring beforehand is presumptuous, getting down on one knee is like begging. I wasn't begging, I was asking. And I wasn't assuming the answer.

If my wife had had a problem with any of the above then she wouldn't have been the right woman for me. She didn't.

The other point is that going to great lengths over a proposal, asking the parents, getting an expensive ring, in some cases doing it in public or amongst friends/family - puts a lot of pressure on the woman to give the "right" answer. How can she say "no" after her parents have given their blessing, after he's spent a fortune on a ring, after he's gone down on one knee in an expensive restaurant with other guests watching like in a soppy film, or on Christmas day with teary family watching?

When I proposed I was fairly certain the answer would be "yes" but thought there was a chance of "not just yet - can we give it a while", which would have been fine for a private proposal where no-one else need know, but a disaster in some ostentatious public proposal. Wonder how many women have said "yes" in that situation when they weren't sure, to avoid humiliating their bf - and ended up affecting their relationship as she's said yes to something she's not quite sure of yet?

Gloomendoom

zagfles wrote: »

It's not all about what the woman wants - like with weddings all the focus seems to be on what pleases the bride rather than the groom.

Steady! This is the marriage and relationships board.

My proposal was a bit of a spur of the moment thing. I didn't get a ring. I didn't get down on one knee. I would never do that sort of thing, I think getting a ring beforehand is presumptuous, getting down on one knee is like begging. I wasn't begging, I was asking. And I wasn't assuming the answer.

I did all that stuff. The full works, all planned in advance. I even went so far as to pick a location associated with Aphrodite.

My wife hates surpises and if you asked her beforehand she would very likely aligned herself with the bra-burners on here. In the event she loved it. Apparently, it's the only romantic thing I have ever done.

Malthusian

brokenheartedman wrote:

She is very close to her mum and dad, and I think it would mean alot to her (and them I suppose) to ask for their blessing beforehand.

You didn't ask "is this a good idea" but since everyone seems to think you did: this bit is all that matters. You know her, we don't. The population of the MSE MRF board is not necessarily representative of the population as a whole, let alone your future fianc!e.

If you can't manufacture an excuse to visit them on your own I would just turn up at their door. Asking them out for lunch goes a bit too far for me. The ceremony of asking the parents for their blessing shouldn't be on the same level of the ceremony of asking the woman whether she wants to marry you; their blessing is of far less importance than the woman's acceptance.

zagfles wrote: »

The other point is that going to great lengths over a proposal, asking the parents, getting an expensive ring, in some cases doing it in public or amongst friends/family - puts a lot of pressure on the woman to give the "right" answer. How can she say "no" after her parents have given their blessing, after he's spent a fortune on a ring, after he's gone down on one knee in an expensive restaurant with other guests watching like in a soppy film, or on Christmas day with teary family watching?

If you think she might not want to marry you then you don't propose, and if you're not sure, you don't propose.

If you seriously think a woman might be weak-willed enough to go through with a marriage because she doesn't want him to have wasted money on an item of jewellery, then that's far more insulting than the notion of asking the parents for their blessing. (Note that the OP said "blessing", not "permission".)

Mojisola

Malthusian wrote: »

If you seriously think a woman might be weak-willed enough to go through with a marriage because she doesn't want him to have wasted money on an item of jewellery, then that's far more insulting than the notion of asking the parents for their blessing.

(Note that the OP said "blessing", not "permission".)

I do know someone who felt obliged to say 'yes' in the full view of a public proposal and then backed out a few days later - still very difficult because so many people knew that they had got 'engaged'.

If the OP is asking for her parents' blessing and not permission, surely that should come after she has agreed to marry him, not before.

euronorris

Mojisola wrote: »

I do know someone who felt obliged to say 'yes' in the full view of a public proposal and then backed out a few days later - still very difficult because so many people knew that they had got 'engaged'.

If the OP is asking for her parents' blessing and not permission, surely that should come after she has agreed to marry him, not before.

Why is their blessing even required? They're grown adults. Whether the parents approve or not, is neither here nor there.

zagfles

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Steady! This is the marriage and relationships board.



I did all that stuff. The full works, all planned in advance. I even went so far as to pick a location associated with Aphrodite.

My wife hates surpises and if you asked her beforehand she would very likely aligned herself with the bra-burners on here. In the event she loved it. Apparently, it's the only romantic thing I have ever done.

Oh I'm sure some women would love it. I however don't, for the reasons above, so I'd never do it regardless of what my gf wants. If that's a problem then we're not compatible!

gabriel1980

I just texted Fiancee's Dad and asked if I could come up to talk about something. Pretended I had a dentist's appointment so my girlfriend wouldn't be suspect.


I asked and he said yes.