Wife doesn't love me anymore

DavidP24

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I guess I am clutching but the thing that stands out the most to me is they had an amazing night round their friends house before this happened. There is a study that our happiness can be affected by how well our friends around us are doing, so simply by spending an evening with a seemly loving couple that seem to 'have it all' I can see how this would affect the OP's wife mind to lead to that sort of conversation...

I also do know it's easy to get in a rut and believe things/ think things that aren't actually true. With a clear head if she can honestly say she has never had love for the OP then I do feel it's best to move on, but who's to say when she has a clear head if she's in a depressive state ATM....

Happy for HIM but not for her

Scorpio33

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Just going to add my two cents.

There is a lot of pressure these days to have the 'perfect relationship'

A few of these are sterotypical, but bare in mind it is a generaliastion and not a 100% sticker on their back.

A woman in a marriage is expected to work, cook, look after children, keep a house, be supportive, caring, loving, stay in good health, maintain a 'healthy' sex life and be attracted to the same partner even years down the line, normally the family organisor liasing with both sides of the family for birthdays/xmas gifts and occasion, be best friends with each other.

A man is supposed to work, stay attracted to his partner, be loving, be romantic on occasions, again maintain a healthy sex life, come home from a long day and expected to cook/clean, do odd jobs around the house, help with the children, be supportive and understanding of her feelings, again be best friends.

There is a lot of pressure, but who would fall into all these catagories? After 20 years is every couple going to still be attracted to their partner? Are they going to be deeply in love like they first met? Are they going to have the same fun times as they did when they first met or compared to their best friends?

If the love is really 100% gone, and it wasn't just something she said on a bad night (which believe me despite posters saying so, can happen if someone is down and depressed they start to look towards their partner) then I think the relationship should be over, but personally, I'd still want to give her the benefit of the doubt she is in a bad place (as you have been) and maybe if she is given the chance to enjoy life again and out of the rut, she may feel differently. After being together for a long time, and being in a bad place, it's very easy to focus on the bad and wonder/doubt the whole relationship - esp since the night she said it, you had got back from a friends house if I'm wrong who I'm guessing, are a couple that go well together which brought the conversation up?

I haven't read all the posts, so I am clutching at straws a bit.

I absolutely agree with this.


Which is why when things are tough I never say that I don't love my wife. I always love her, even if at times it is difficult to see. So why would she even think things like that, let alone say them to me?

I have been doing lots of thinking (Ok, probably overthinking), and I think I need the answer to two questions:

1 - If she has felt like this for a long time, why bring it up now? Why not earlier? Why suffer for so long and not let me know how she felt?
2 - If she does truely want to make it work what do we both want to make it work and is that possible? Are both willing to put in the effort to change?

I suspect the answer to (1) is probably that she wanted to be sure how she felt, but I also suspect that something happened on a night out with her friends the other week. I am not saying she cheated, but that is a possibility. It is also possible that being out with her friends made her realise that she was happier without me around. There is also the possibility that she didn't want to say anything as she has all her comforts with me, the house, the kids etc. and didn't want to say anything through fear of losing all that.

I also suspect that the answer to (2) is that she wants me to put the effort in, but is unwilling to make any effort or changes herself. I agree that both me and her can't change who we fundamentally are and Love is about accepting the other person, warts and all. But if the current situation is not good for her, what can we both do to change that. If I am willing to put in effort, she should also be willing to make changes herself to make the relationship more enjoyable for me.

My head is still a bit of a mess. One moment I know that I want to be with her and make it work and would do anything to make it work, the next I think that it is clear she doesn't want to love me and is only with me as she has a good lifestyle.

I am using this forum as a way of getting my thoughts down, but also to make it clearer to me as to what I want, what course of action I want to take. I will not talk to friends or family about this, as they will simply side with me and reinforce my own views and it will no doubt create a rift between my wife and them.

justme111

The most obvious answer that comes to mind to question 1 is that she has not mentioned it before because she waited until you are in a better place emotionally. In any case that question is irrelevant and we can not reply to it because to make a good guess we would have needed to know all instances and outs of your life.
So you are bargaining now - "I am going to change only if you going to change". You either put your effort in it unconditionally or not. If you are going to be constantly making a point that she should change then you may as well end it now. The very purpose of you putting an effort in is to do it unconditionally. Looks like fear of "being taken for a mug" and feeling silly that you put an effort while she has not stops you. Think a bit re what you would want her to change. It seems it all is about feelings (not affectionate, said has not loved you - no other vices noted). While in your case what seems to need change are actions- expressing how you love her. What is easier to change with a conscious effort ?

Scorpio33

justme111 wrote: »

The most obvious answer that comes to mind to question 1 is that she has not mentioned it before because she waited until you are in a better place emotionally. In any case that question is irrelevant and we can not reply to it because to make a good guess we would have needed to know all instances and outs of your life.
So you are bargaining now - "I am going to change only if you going to change". You either put your effort in it unconditionally or not. If you are going to be constantly making a point that she should change then you may as well end it now. The very purpose of you putting an effort in is to do it unconditionally. Looks like fear of "being taken for a mug" and feeling silly that you put an effort while she has not stops you. Think a bit re what you would want her to change. It seems it all is about feelings (not affectionate, said has not loved you - no other vices noted). While in your case what seems to need change are actions- expressing how you love her. What is easier to change with a conscious effort ?

Yeah, if you love someone, you love them unconditionally, warts and all.

But that must work both ways and I guess my reluctance to change unless she does comes from an anger as to what she has said. It feels as if its "I don't love you, and can't love you unless you be something you're not". I think that is wrong - she has to accept that she either loves me for who I am or she walks away. Yes, I want to better myself and yes I will make a conscious effort to change. There are things about her that I want to change, but I have not gone into those details as I can't do anything about those issues. Whenever I bring them up, she says that is not who she is and I should accept them. And I do accept them, as that is who she is. For example, I am very physically affectionate, she isn't. I would prefer more physical affection, but that is not who she is. I accept that, as she shows it in her own way.

The only thing to note is that the things about her that I like she has been doing less and less of and I have felt for a while that she is only with me as it is comfortable and familiar. Then she tells me she doesn't love me. But then she says she wants to stay with me and work on things. So I am so confused - is this merely a phase she is going through due to approaching 40? Is she low because my previous low moods have rubbed off on her? Or is it something more deep routed than that and she will never be happy? If that is the case, why does she not leave for her own happiness?

justme111

Because likely she is as confused as you are.
Look all this pondering of what she feels like is useless. You can not tell how you feel , let alone her. You either try or you walk away. You are reluctant to change unless she does - than walk away. Simples. If you decide to try and change you do not come up with " but you have to change also". If you are to do it this way you may as well walk now.
Ps. One can not be affectionate by decision. One has to feel affectionate to be one. She could not have changed that about her however much she tried because it is not a thing which can be changed by conscious effort.
You either try to create new circumstances and new you so that she would feel affectionate or walk away.

DavidP24

What you need to realise is that you two are on different pages.

You thought you had a fantastic time she clearly did not.

You think things have been happier, she is still unhappy

You want to be more intimate, she does not love you so that idea must sound repulsive to her

You think things have improved and she thinks it is time to tell you that she has never loved you, even before you were married.


So to your questions

1 - If she has felt like this for a long time, why bring it up now? Why not earlier? Why suffer for so long and not let me know how she felt?

Well we can only go by what you have said, from that it seems to me that she had her own selfish objectives and she still does. I think it might have been a method to push you away, to reduce your expectations, actually to blow them right out of the water. It is horrible being in a loveless or one sided marriage, for both sides. One side is living a lie the other is being lied to.

You can't unsay something like this, it is like throwing a grenade. Why Now, she has had enough, can't take any more, thinks there is something better, hopes there is something better, knows there is something better, is involved in something better. It does not matter WHY because it is done, you can't put the genie back in the bottle or close pandora's box.

So imagine this was a negotiation for a car, you are asking the customer if they want servicing, finance, etc, but they have not made a decision to buy, so you just look desperate when you propose doing more stuff. You have to go back to basics, does she want to even consider a normal fulfilling loving life with you. Only she can make that decision, but you are the last person in the world she wants to figure this out with because you are the problem.

You can "suspect" this and "suspect" that but what matters is how she actually feels. There is clearly more to her story than not loving you since before you were married, she has not confided in you during the good times, she won't now during this difficult time?

2 - If she does truly want to make it work what do we both want to make it work and is that possible? Are both willing to put in the effort to change?


Sorry "her wanting to make it truly work" is incompatible with the facts, work for her means she loves you as a brother (which basically means as a provider and house mate till she falls in love with someone else). Working for her means you accept whatever she deigns to give you, maybe because she does not want to be responsible for the upset to the kids or she just knows she will never get her own mortgage or maybe she loves her house.

WHAT ABOUT YOU ??

What about your needs, has she considered those? Probably not. That is why it is called SELFish.

There are some people who just want to be taken care of, she married you to get what she wanted, kids, part of that is that she needs you to provide, your recent trouble at work made her feel you may not be able to provide, it threatened her stability, the anxiety of that made her question the relationship and so the genie was let out of the bottle.

You are blaming yourself, thinking this is your fault, wondering what YOU can do to fix it, when in reality SHE is the one who build the relationship on a lie.

Right now there is no collections of actions that you could do because she is not on the same page, not considering reconciliation.

You supported her through the IVF which for most people is sheer hell or a lot lot worse. Now you have had your own troubled time, she could not discuss any anxiety that brought because it would make you feel worse about yourself or just because she did not feel like telling you.

Now she wants you as a best friend, well if this is how you treat a best friend, goodness knows how she treats enemies. Either way there is no romantic attraction there.

The ONLY way for this relationship to have ANY chance is for her to agree to go to relate.

Even if she does not agree, you can go without her, it may make her want to participate.

Right now, in your own words your are lost, confused, sad. don't know what to do, don't know how, probably over thinking, head is still a bit of a mess.

"One moment I know that I want to be with her and make it work and would do anything to make it work, the next I think that it is clear she doesn't want to love me and is only with me as she has a good lifestyle."

You are flipping between shock, denial, negotiation and on the edge of anger, these are all quite normal stages of bereavement.

For all the good intentions, we can only speculate, you can only speculate. You want to return to the happiness you thought you had, maybe that is possible with some serious work, but she will have to genuinely want that too.

You can't make someone love you and for some, they have lost faith, too much water or they never truly loved you in the first place, it is hard to win back something you never had.

Now because of the grenade it is going to be hard for you to ever trust her, those words will always haunt you.

You can't ask her or tell her your needs or terms because not only is she not on the same page but she has shown that she will lie, make vows that mean nothing to her and so on.

Now you have to be firm, be someone she can look up to or even not look down on, you recognise this is beyond either of you or both of you to work out without professional help.

If she will not participate, go yourself, if nothing else it will help you get your head on straight.

If she will not come then so be it, you can move on, find someone who really loves you, unconditionally, genuinely, equally, for you, your values, spirit and soul.

Looloo4007

So sad ,you only have one life you deserve to be loved ,I personally wouldn't stay with someone who didn't feel like thy loved me,you can't be happy with this and your kids can't be either they must know it's not a loving marriage 😕

DavidP24

Looloo4007 wrote: »

So sad ,you only have one life you deserve to be loved ,I personally wouldn't stay with someone who didn't feel like thy loved me,you can't be happy with this and your kids can't be either they must know it's not a loving marriage 😕

I agree, with all of that, although I suspect that kids oblivious unless there is a lot of arguing, even then it may be normal for them, what they have always experienced.

The thing is, we do we have kids, to further our DNA and bring up well adjusted human beings, staying in a loveless marriage based on deceit (that will inevitably come out one day) will shatter their illusions and could give them issues.

It is far better to get this done as early as possible, in as amicable way as possible.

It will be hard but the first part is to get professional help, then decided whether their is a way forward and the emotional cost.

Archergirl

Just read through most of this thread, I love that you are trying, but don't try too hard, is your wife trying too?
Maybe look at the situation in a few months and if your wife's attitude towards you has not changed walk away. Don't let her walk all over you, you deserve better.

justme111

It is difficult to advise as a few people have the impression of someone trying while I have the impression of someone who does not want to separate and is upset his wife does not love him - two very different things.
If you compare a happy marriage to a smooth sheet of paper than once that paper is scribbled on and a bit scrunched up you have an option of either binning it and looking for a new one or smoothing it down , rubbing the scribbles off , finding paints and making a beautiful painting. The paper may allow you to do it to a degree you would be happy with or not. If you pick the new one it is bound to become less shiny and straight as you fold it to keep it in your pocket. The issue is there is no God given right for a happy marriage. To get one one needs to work , specially after being a recipient of emotional energy instead of a donor while depressed for a few years. We do not automatically deserve all riches of love life, we have to give, not only receive. This bloke gives his wounded ego, "help" with household tasks, sarcastic remarks and demands of love.