Wife doesn't love me anymore

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Scorpio33 wrote: »

I also need to learn to respect my wife more. I unconsciously show behavior that makes my wife feel like I don't respect her. For example, talking down to her and admiring other women when I'm around her. At the time I don't even realise I am doing it, but I know that is no excuse. This needs to stop I know, so any advice here you can give, please let me know as it is very difficult to break old habits. I am a quite sarcastic person and I am like this way to everyone, not just my wife and I know I need to change.

From my perspective, I would like my wife to show me more affection and we need to have more intimacy. I am not talking about sex here, I am talking about words, holding hands, hugging, kissing, getting closer together and knowing the ins and outs of each other. I have asked my wife about this and she has said that she is not naturally an affectionate person and doesn't think she will ever be the person I want her to be. To me that sounds like she simply wants me to change, but is unwilling herself. I hope that I am wrong.
The other big thing I would like my wife to realise that I am not a mind ready. I am a very literal person and unless things are said to me, I most likely won't realise what is going on. I would love for her to open up to me more and for her to be more honest to me.

I don't think I would feel particularly touchy-feely towards somebody who talked down to me, gawped and made comments about the attractiveness of others and was sarcastic towards me, either.

You say you're a very literal person - if somebody did those things to you, would you feel that they cared, loved and respected you, or would you feel that they were constantly trying to knock you down?

Scorpio33

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I don't think I would feel particularly touchy-feely towards somebody who talked down to me, gawped and made comments about the attractiveness of others and was sarcastic towards me, either.

You say you're a very literal person - if somebody did those things to you, would you feel that they cared, loved and respected you, or would you feel that they were constantly trying to knock you down?

Oh I agree. The thing is I don't realise I am doing it. If I did then I could realise what I was doing and either stop before doing it, or remember what I did so I can learn the triggers for next time.

I want my wife to love me and that will only happen from me treating her right.

I know she is prepared to put the effort in and I am sure it is not too later to salvage the relationship.

But in the same token I need to do what is best for me. I can't change overnight and I need to know how I do this and what practically I can do to limit the negative items and enhance all the nice things I do.

I also have to work on the assumption that I can only change myself, not my wife, so I need to change myself and give it time. If in time after all the changes nothing improves then I need to assess if this is the right relationship for both of us.


I am searching for help as I know changes need to be made. Please if anyone can give me any practical tips, then feel free to get in touch.

FBaby

I can think of lots of things that we can do together, my concern is that it will be what I want. I guess I am scared of taking ownership of the whole thing through fear of not doing right. I don't want to be rejected. I need to learn that just the mere attempt of making an effort is what matters more than the actual activity.

That's a dilemma. What she might be looking for, consciously or not, is you showing that you can take initiatives and take a lead in your relationship if indeed, she felt that due to your depression, you relied more and more on her to do the 'thinking' in the relationship, making decisions etc... even if what you are suggesting is not exactly what she would have done.

At the same time, it could have the exact opposite outcome, and as you point out, she could feel that you are making efforts just to woe her back with no confidence that it will be sustain, ie. doing so for your benefit rather than hers, which would then come across as controlling.

You really need to talk, you need to listen (or guess well if she doesn't open up fully) and then make the changes, accepting that it is sustainability she is hoping for rather than the initial effort.

FBaby

I want my wife to love me and that will only happen from me treating her right.

Be careful not to let yourself believe that if you do everything to turn into the perfect husband, she will love you again, or worse, that you deserve that she loves you again.

At this stage, it is a gamble. Hopefully one that will pay off, but however easier it is to ignore, do keep in mind that you can't make someone love you.

DavidP24

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Oh I agree. The thing is I don't realise I am doing it. If I did then I could realise what I was doing and either stop before doing it, or remember what I did so I can learn the triggers for next time.

I want my wife to love me and that will only happen from me treating her right.

I know she is prepared to put the effort in and I am sure it is not too later to salvage the relationship.

But in the same token I need to do what is best for me. I can't change overnight and I need to know how I do this and what practically I can do to limit the negative items and enhance all the nice things I do.

I also have to work on the assumption that I can only change myself, not my wife, so I need to change myself and give it time. If in time after all the changes nothing improves then I need to assess if this is the right relationship for both of us.

I am searching for help as I know changes need to be made. Please if anyone can give me any practical tips, then feel free to get in touch.

I think you are under selling yourself

It seems to me that you are doing quite a lot more than a lot of men do

Look if you want to understand the differences between men and women go read the books on it "Men are from mars women are from venus" "Men lie women cry" etc etc etc etc

From what you have said I think this person is selfish, she will take all you have to give and the more you give her the less she will respect you because you are already giving more than 50/50

Relationships are 50/50, it takes two, two to want to fix it, two to communicate when things are not right, two to be honest from the start.

She said she didn't love you, that would be fair enough if the fire had gone out BUT

She said she hasn't loved you for a long time, SINCE BEFORE YOU WERE MARRIED so the marriage vows were lies

#DISHONEST

Then she said

She only stayed with you as she knew you was her only chance of having kids and she wanted kids.

#SELFISH

Then you go on that

She also said that you are her best friend but there is no romantic attraction there. You said to her that you want her to be happy, even if that means splitting up and she said she didn't want to split up. She wants to stay.

OF COURSE SHE DOES, IT SUITS HER FINE, BENEFITING FROM YOUR MONEY, YOUR KINDNESS AND YOUR HEART, albeit that she can't reciprocate.

She suckered you for IVF, a home, you talk about intimacy but you make her skin crawl. She does not respect you, she does not trust you and she has never loved you.

To are a stepping stone onto what she wants

You blame yourself but there are people who are selfish, ungrateful and inconsiderate, you will never make her happy, she knew that the day you were married but she figured she would use you till something better came along.

AND YOU KEEP THINKING THAT IT IS YOUR FAULT!!

She has robbed you of your youth, will break your heart when you are eventually forced to split from your kids but she does not want to split because hey, she can squeeze a little more out of you and chances are she can't get a mortgage by herself.

You love her but that was a mistake, she does not love you, you are carpet, a sponge something she can use and abuse.

She is against counselling, well that is the ONLY way forward, but really just for you both to get the message. It is over.

You can't build a marriage on dishonesty

Get out while you are still young enough to find someone who is worth what you have to give and stop knocking yourself. She is the one who has been dishonest from day one.

tea_lover

David... the 1950s called, they want their attitude back.

DavidP24

tea_lover wrote: »

David... the 1950s called, they want their attitude back.

I know, I am only borrowing it!

Sorry if I am a hopeless romantic who believes that two people need to be in love with each other and honest from day one.

Actually it seems to me that she is the one from the 50's "lie back and think of England"

If she fell out of love after they were married I would have no problem but to marry and take vows, THAT IS WRONG.

It seems she has done everything for her own selfish reasons.

FBaby

I do agree with you David because I know some women who are doing exactly what you describe. One of our colleagues is the perfect example. Not a day go by she doesn't moan about her husband. He doesn't do this, he doesn't do that, he has disgusting habits, he bores her with his conversation, he falls asleep with his mouth opened in front of the TV which is highly unattractive, she is only intimate with him because that keeps him from pestering her for sex, and she has admitted that she doesn't love him but when asked why she stays with him, she giggles and says that he brings her comfort, companionship, he is good with the kids, and she rather that life than being a single mum and having little to enjoy or worse, having to work FT.

I really hope that this not the case for Scorpio's wife, but yes, such women do exist and I suspect there are more around, especially in middle class families than we believe.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Oh I agree. The thing is I don't realise I am doing it. If I did then I could realise what I was doing and either stop before doing it, or remember what I did so I can learn the triggers for next time.

I want my wife to love me and that will only happen from me treating her right.

I know she is prepared to put the effort in and I am sure it is not too later to salvage the relationship.

But in the same token I need to do what is best for me. I can't change overnight and I need to know how I do this and what practically I can do to limit the negative items and enhance all the nice things I do.

I also have to work on the assumption that I can only change myself, not my wife, so I need to change myself and give it time. If in time after all the changes nothing improves then I need to assess if this is the right relationship for both of us.


I am searching for help as I know changes need to be made. Please if anyone can give me any practical tips, then feel free to get in touch.

1. 'She's drop dead gorgeous' - THINK IT, don't say it. The odds are that she hasn't looked after a sick husband and two toddlers for the last year. If you're questioned about your expression, how about 'yeah, she's pretty, but she's not you'. In the period between seeing beautiful women, try saying your Mrs looks beautiful.

2. [wife does or says something a bit daft, possibly because she's tired or distracted]. DO NOT SAY 'if you had half a brain you'd be dangerous' or 'no, of course it's fine, I love my clothes being completely trashed by a moron'. You can think it. DON'T SAY IT. Try smiling and saying 'Oh, I do love you'.

3. If her face drops as you open your mouth, close it. If it's already too late, how about 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to come out as mean as it sounded'?


4. Seriously, I'd be amazed if she's had the energy or time for an affair, but do you think that the thought would even cross her mind with a bloke that spoke to her in the way you say you do - or do you think she could be more 'tempted' (for the want of a better word) by somebody who smiled at her, complimented her and didn't cut her down to size verbally?

stoozie1

My personal view: feelings are fickle and come and go, but commitment is deciding to love someone forever, and them you.